My little boy has changed my life in a way that I never knew was possible. I love him more than I ever knew you could love someone. And I miss him more than feelings or words can express. Now that I have Oakland in my life, I realize how much I actually did miss with him and it makes me cherish every last second with her. From changing poopy diapers, to feeding her, to watching her smile that crooked smile of hers, cuddling with Dad, and snuggling with me- I LOVE it all! During the entire hospital stay there were things that kept sticking out to me that were so different from the two deliveries. Here are just a few that were big deals to me...

1. Mac- just a "contraction" tracker was hooked up to me, Oakland- I got to listen to her heartbeat the entire time!

2. Mac- I had a hospital band. Oakland- I had a band indicating that I could take a baby girl to and from the nursery and Josh and her had matching ones.

3. Mac- they woke me up every 2 hours to check blood and blood pressure status. Oakland- they woke me up every two hours to a screaming little girl that wanted her Mom.

4. Mac- people came to the hospital to visit Josh and I and a little boy that would never grow up on this earth. Oakland- people came to the hospital to visit my sweet little girl that would be here forever!

5. Mac- I got to dress him once at a cemetary. Oakland- I got to dress her up in warm clothes to take her home

 

 

 

6. Mac- I was heartbroken. Oakland- I was ecstatic!

 

 Josh and I decided that on the way home from the Hospital we needed to take Oakland to Mac's grave to say hello. We found the nicest little surprise announcing Mac being a big brother! It really struck Josh and I that Oakland would be the luckiest girl to grow up with a big brother that would always be looking out for her. We sat in the car and just cried. Tears of pure joy that we had one too perfect little boy and a perfect little girl. I always wondered if I could love her as much as I love Mac, and that day I got my answer...I love both of my kids SO insanely much and feel lucky to be their Mom.

 

Original post by Me

 

 

Introducing Oakland

I am the luckiest girl alive right now! I'm sitting here blogging while my Husband and new baby girl are cuddled up on the bed watching a movie. Not at a funeral. Not crying tears of pain and hurt. This time, I got to bring a healthy little baby girl right in to my home. I have never been happier in my entire life!! Here are a couple of pictures but there are so much more that I wasn't sure how long it would take me and I wanted to make sure I got some posted soon!

These are the first pictures of Josh and I with Oakland (story and feelings to come in a later post but you can probably get close to them with these pictures.)

 

I had to add this picture because of the meaning it has for Josh and I. When I delivered Mac, this was something I would never have with him...him hold my finger and open his eyes at me. That was one of the first things Oakland did for me. She opened her eyes and looked right in to mine and then reached up and took hold of my finger like a reassurance that she wasn't going anywhere. This picture is when Josh took her to get bathed and I adore it!

 

Original post by Me

She's Here!

Josh and Cali have graciously deemed me the privilege of being the first to announce via blog the arrival of Oakland Mae Hinckley! I just returned from the hospital and she is absolutely gorgeous! I will let Josh & Cali share with you the details of Oakland's birth on their blog in a few days, but I at least wanted to get some pictures posted of the little beauty for you all to see!

 

 

 

Just 45 minutes old! I'm sure Mac had a lot to share with her before sent her here to earth. What a little blessing she is!

 

Original post by Erin

 

Mac's Walk

October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month and some time during the month the Share organization holds a "walk of remembrance and hope". We went last year for the first year and really enjoyed it so went again this year. They normally hold a little ceremony to start it off and had someone sing a song that I don't know the title or most of the lyrics but I wrote down a few that really hit me. "Heaven is your home and it's all you'll ever know." "You'll kiss our tears away when we come home to stay." "You'll just have Heaven before we do".

Then a lady got up and gave a little talk- she had lost one of her twin daughters and then years later a son during her pregnancy with them. She said that the thing that stuck to her the most is how your world seems to stand still but everyone around you keeps moving. Josh brought this up to me again today and said that he has been thinking a lot about that because you really do feel that way. You can't think or focus on anything else except for that even though people are still going to work and school and living their every day lives.

I don't know if you can see this first picture but they make shirts and will put your babies names on it. Mac's is the last name on the first row and then the second picture is Josh and I walking around the cemetery with everyone else that came to the share walk.

Thank you for everyone that came! We really appreciated your love and support and for taking time on your Saturday to be there with us. I think through all of what we have been through I have relied on my family and friends- not only for moments of support like this but even simply letting me talk about Mac or counting him as a nephew or thinking about him during the day.

I don't really know how to explain it but when people are so willing to come be with us during something that may seem small to them, it changes my life. Mac passing away made my life go in a completely different direction than what I had EVER planned and the support of others makes me realize that direction isn't bad, just different.

 

The last part of the walk is that everyone gets a balloon to write a message for their baby and then they read the names of your child off and you release their balloon. I wish you could see the last picture better- it's such a humbling sight to watch all of the hundreds of balloons float away. We did a balloon release at Mac's funeral, so that always reminds me of him and has a special place in my heart.

 

 

Original post by Me

Mac is going to be a BIG Brother!!

You heard me right… I’m pregnant! I have so many feelings about this topic that I don’t even know where to start, so I’ll just start with the details. I am 17 weeks along and we have been to 3 Dr. appointments, all of which have been terrifying, exciting, breathtaking, and crazy. I have to say that my Dr. has been amazing and totally understanding of the situation. He knows that my nerves are totally out of wack and is doing everything he can to help me get through that part of the pregnancy. He isn’t the same Dr we had when I delivered Mac but at the first appointment he just sat down with us and talked about everything. It made Josh and I feel so good and I trust him completely now. That same appointment he let us do an ultrasound so that we could see AND hear the heartbeat- our baby just looked like a little peanut at the time and while I was nervous for that appointment, I think I was more nervous to find a Dr. that I liked and just verifying that the test was right!

At our second appointment we just listened to the heartbeat, talked about how we were doing, and our Dr. told us that he would be willing to take me 2-3 weeks early depending on my nerves, if I developed preeclampsia again, and if the babies lungs were fully developed. I was telling Josh that I honestly was nervous for those appointments, but it was never the beginning of the pregnancy that scared me because that went so smoothly for me. This last appointment was another story.

I went in yesterday, right on my 17 week mark and the two days before I started to get really…. Afraid and anxious. I just kept telling Josh that I needed everything to be ok. I needed the reassurance that we’d made it 4 more weeks. I realized that I was starting to get attached to this little one and didn’t want to, afraid of loving so much and so hard- then losing so suddenly. I know the chances of the same thing happening are so unlikely but I had the worst anxiety and ended up crying all night, afraid for the next morning. When we got to the Dr. I was still just so nervous- it took everything I had to hold back tears, I just needed to see or hear a heartbeat. I’ve realized that Ultrasounds are my biggest fear now.

 

Josh kept telling me to stop bouncing my knee or doing whatever I was doing because it was making him so nervous. When the Dr. came in he just started to look for the gender to see if we could tell what it was, and I was not even slightly interested because I hadn’t seen the heartbeat yet. As soon as he showed it to us- a wave of relief came and I just started balling. I turned to Josh and said “good thing”- he laughed but we both knew that I was not kidding. Lol.

That brings me to our next bit of good news…IT’S A GIRL!!!!!

I have pictures, but don’t have a scanner to get them on to my computer so will post them shortly. Because I’m only 17 weeks, we didn’t get to do the full ultrasound so that’ll be our next appointment- when I’m 21 weeks but our Dr. did do a couple of measurements, enough to tell us that she’s in the 66 percentile for height so far and is measuring within 5 days of her due date- December 17^th. Which means that she’s healthy!!

 

I kind of thought that getting pregnant would, not replace Mac, but I think we all thought it would take away some of that pain… I can tell you that it didn’t take away any feelings about what happened. I still miss Mac, I still wish he was here, and I still cry for him. What it has changed though is the chance that I get to be a Mom- here on this earth. I’ll finally get to have that baby that I’ve been waiting for and that I expected to have a year ago. I am glad that we are having a little girl too because her and Mac are two different people, different spirits- she’s not here to replace him in any way and I’m nervous that if I had a boy, he naturally would. I am excited to be a Mom of a little boy and a little girl!!!

 

Original post by Me

Mac's Day

 

 

Original Post by Erin

Happy Birthday Mac!

It was one year ago today that my little nephew was born. Stillborn. I've never had a very good memory, but I can remember June 27th, 2008 as if it were yesterday. It's a day I will never forget, because it's the day I was blessed to hold an angel!

Mac, for as long as I live, I will never forget the feeling in the room when I held you for the first and last time. It's the closest thing to heaven I've ever felt. You were the purest, most holy little person I have ever held in my arms and I feel so honored to have been able to share those brief moments on earth with you.

I want you to know that during the few moments I held you in my arms, you forever changed me. As I looked at you, I saw the person I want to become. I saw into the eternities and was reminded of what's really important (the gospel & family) and that everything else in life (aka: the "temporary stuff") should never take priority over "eternal stuff."

Most importantly Mac, you brought me closer to my Savior. You helped me learn that hard times, sacrifice, and suffering are important and necessary steps in our journey to becoming more like our Savior and for that I am especially grateful.

Mac I love you! I miss you every time we get together as a family and you are not there. I miss that you and Bryson will never get to play together on this earth. But I know you are where you are suppose to be, fulfilling the special mission God has prepared just for you--a mission on the other side that only you are qualified to fulfill.

Mac, you have touched so many lives on the earth you never even lived to see! Someday your parent's will tell you all about it. You are amazing and have blessed us all!

I love you and can't wait to see you again!

Love,
Your Aunt Erin

My Sweet Husband

Josh asked me how I was doing today and handling my emotions at work and we had a little conversation about it but then Josh says to me, "You're a strong girl, I'm amazed by you." Josh, I love you... how would I ever get through anything without having that little nudge of support from you every day!

Original post by Me

Missing Mac

I really missed Mac today for some reason... In 20 days he would be one years old! I have a one year old- how crazy is that? I've realized that as time has passed, I don't miss him less, and the hurt doesn't go away...I have just learned how to live with it and how to make myself better because of it. I see Josh with other kids and can't even imagine how much I would fall in love with how he plays with our kids. I wonder what Mac would look like, and how big he would be. I wonder if he would drive my little brother crazy because he'd always want to take his toys and chew on them. I wonder how he would get along with his cousins.

I wonder how my life would be different always putting a kid in a car seat, or waking up to take care of him at nights. I wonder what his cry would sound like- or better yet his laugh (would it be like Josh's lol) and I hope more than all of the stuff I wonder about, I hope that everyone knows how much I love him and how much I love the people that care about him.

Original post by Me

Our Big Surprise...

While we were in Hawaii my parents called to let us know that Mac's headstone got set in! You may remember that they originally just put in a little index card sized paper that said his name and the date he was buried. Josh and I had decided that we wanted to wait until Mac's first birthday to put in his real headstone, and so Josh's sister and her husband bought us a temporary headstone that could be there in the mean time. I remember how much that meant to me when they gave it to us for Christmas...I was amazed that they would think of us in such a selfless way and help us enjoy our Christmas without Mac.

When my Mom called to let me know that this new one was in- I couldn't help but break down and cry. It is such a huge milestone in our lives. I never thought I'd be in the situation that I am in, but I was so happy to finally have his official headstone. Happy about a headstone?! I couldn't believe it... but I was happier then than I had been this whole year! Something for Mac to have that is all his own. When we went in to design it they threw around some ideas- gave us our options and then sent us home with a rough draft.

Everything that I would suggest, Josh would acknowledge, let me know it was a good idea but... and then he'd shoot out his idea. We did this back and forth for a while when Josh turned to me and said, "Ya know- I haven't done a lot for Mac and I feel like this is the one thing I can do just for him." After that I did not say another word and Josh designed the entire headstone by himself. It was so touching and I had never thought of it that way... Mac's headstone means more to me now than anything- something just for himself that Josh played the main part in. Mac's Birthday is next month, so his Birthday present came in a little early but it was just the boost I needed.

Original post by Me

Happy Easter!

 

Mac has the GREATEST grandparents in the entire world! They both came and put out some decorations so that Mac could celebrate Easter with us and even left him some cute notes. I have to say that Easter has been hard- I guess I should have expected that since every holiday so far has but who knew that we would be decorating McKallisters grave instead of dying Easter eggs with him? I've had a lot of experiences lately that have made me grateful for the gospel and the knowledge that I have. Today I am especially grateful for my savior and Jesus Christ. They have taught me so much in the last 10 months about Eternal Families and have made me proud to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Without the gospel and my family I don't know where I would be today and for that I am grateful. Happy Easter Egg hunting!!

Original post by Me

Mac Feelings

This week has been a real eye opener for me and I wanted to share some of my feelings with those of you that follow our blog or even read it occasionally. I haven’t really blogged about my Mac feelings for some time but this week was super eventful and really life changing for me.

For those of you that don’t know Josh plays baseball for UVU and their season started on Thursday (yah)! I didn’t realize until he left that right now he is my life line. I was a WRECK the first night I was alone and then was disappointed in myself because I thought I had come so far and felt like I went back a huge step. I didn’t realize how unstable I am when I’m alone because I haven’t been since Mac passed away. I never realized this but when I’m at work- I’m with my co-workers and friends, when I’m at home- Josh is there, during lunch- I’m normally at my Mom’s with her. I started watching and noticed that there are so many instances where I am on the verge of tears (or a major melt down :))and someone comes to my rescue without even knowing it. I had no idea how many times a night I still wake up with nightmares but with Josh there I just roll over to cuddle with him and fall back asleep. I didn’t realize how much I think about how empty my house is without a baby but then Josh will cheer me up somehow. And I had no idea how much I had planned on having Mac around when Josh left on his baseball trips- I had it all planned out in my head only to realize that I was alone that night.

I ended up staying at my parents house the next couple of nights because I couldn’t stand to be alone. I got to asking myself- am I really ready to have another baby? That has been my thought process for the last couple of days… Josh and I have been trying for over 6 months now to get pregnant again, 4 of those months we have done ovulation tests and I have been taking prenatal vitamins. I’ve been really discouraged and struggling a lot with the fact that we haven’t been able to. This week I realized that this whole time I have not wanted another baby- I want my baby…I want Mac. I thought that if I had another one it would “fix” me or I would feel better about it, but honestly I shouldn’t feel that way because no one else is going to heal my heart the way I wanted it too and I want the next kid to be just as special.
Monday a new Niece arrived into the Hinckley family- Zoey Lou Hinckley. It was an…emotional day for Josh and I because we were filled with excitement and love for this new little baby but it was so hard. Zoey was born in the same hospital that Mac was, so it was the same floor, the same waiting room, the same people. I was so caught up in the excitement waiting for Zoey to be born that I wasn’t paying attention to my surroundings until I saw the nurse that helped me through labor, Wendy. I told myself that there was no way she could remember us because of an experience I had with my Dr. so wasn’t going to go over and say hello, but Josh marched straight over. She turned to him and said, “I was wondering when you were going to come say hello, how is Cali”. She remembered me- and not only me but my name! I could tell by the way Josh reacted that it was safe for me to go over so I went over and gave her a huge hug- honestly I didn’t want to let go. This women stayed strong for me, tried to make jokes to keep us laughing, and was genuinely kind during labor.

When I walked in to the room to see Zoey my heart melted for that sweet little spirit and it was such a bitter sweet moment. The feeling between that day and June 27^th were so entirely different and yet I realized that they were both just as special. Zack and Heather were so happy and had such a strong spirit about them, Josh’s Mom was in the room with us and was so sensitive to our feelings and handed Zoey right over to me. Heather then turned to me and said that they had named her Zoey Lou in hopes that she would have some of the strength that I had. (Everyone in my family calls me Lou- parents, brothers, sister, Josh, aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and all my close friends) I didn’t even know what to say- it was one of the greatest experiences for me to hear that and I was so touched!

I had this sick feeling about hospitals, Dr’s, having a baby that I needed to get over. Everything that happened this week pushed me a hundred steps closer to healing. I am so grateful that Zoey Lou has come in to our lives at this time to help me through all of this and for her parents who are amazing people and have helped me in a way they will never know. I am so glad that Josh is playing ball- no matter how hard it is- because it can only make me stronger. It’s amazing to me to know the friends and family that I do and their great support through all the hard times. So I guess at the end of the week, I'm just grateful for the additional trials that I go through even though I thought my "turn" for trials was over. Keep 'em coming because I am growing more and more with each one!! :)

Original post by Me

Happy Valentines Day!

Happy Valentines Day from the Hinckleys!!

 

Since our Anniversary is so close to Valentines day we just decided to spend the day together and made a trip to see Mac. There was already a heart plate and his windmills when we got there (and the pine cones of course). My parents had taken him a balloon and left a magic marker there for everyone to write on but we think they must have blown away because they weren't there when we showed up.

Josh won't let me take flowers up to Mac because "boys don't like flowers, they like hot wheel cars" but I like them so much, so we compromised- flower petals. I'm sure he would love sticking them in his mouth at this age!! And I couldn't pass up that cute stuffed animal and since it was on sale Josh let me get it. Maybe for St. Patty's day he'll get a car. :)

 

Original post by Me

Quote...

President Dwight Eisenhower once said, "There is no tragedy in life like the death of a child, things never get back to the way they were."

I still can not decide if they don't get back to the way they were for the worst, or the better. Recently I've come to the conclusion that it's both. On one side of the spectrum, I've learned more from this experience than I have through anything else in my entire life, however, on the other side- I'm always torn up inside.

I've tried so many things to help myself get on in the every day world, to stop the nightmares, to feel better about yet another month without a kid, to stop crying every day, so this month I tried something else...I haven't been to Mac's grave since the beginning of January. Before I hadn't even missed 2 days, and I thought it might help....it didn't.

Original post by Me