My Sister in Law, Amy, invited all of us Sisters (on Josh's side) to go to Washinton DC while she worked on some schooling out there. To say it was a blast is an understatement!! Lately I get really bad travel anxiety- not when I'm with Josh and the kids but when I'm away from them. I get too far in my own head and imagine everything awful that could happen while we are apart.

But being with all of my Sisters was truly something I needed on a level I didn't even know. It was amazing to re-acquaintance myself with them. To remind myself why I love each of them so much. To remember all the brilliant qualities they each have, that have all separately worked together to get me through the hard trials. So here are just a few pictures from this trip that I'll never forget. (Don't even get Josh started on how many pics I took... it's kinda a source of disbelief in his mind) :)

The buildings were amazing...

The memorials were humbling and beautiful...

The food was delish!

But the company was the best part...

 

I even found my name sign...

 

 



Uh, Hinckleys... Where are we going next?!

The day I "met" Nicole...

I follow a sweet gal, Hailey, on instagram and she posted this blog post about the scary side of social media. It scared the daylights out of me. I had multiple people send me the link and warn me that this could happen to me, as I have a few followers that I do not know. I had originally chosen to keep my instagram and blog open to the public because I thought if I could just touch one person, I would feel complete.

Then I worried that I was being selfish and not protecting my family. My kids especially. It pulled me back into the scary part of my head and I prayed for days about making everything social media private. Then I "met" Nicole. I actually met her best friend, Brittany. She posted on one of my pictures, "Please pray for my friend Nicole who is in critical condition of having an AFE on Saturday. I'm so happy to hear you survived.... I'm reading your blog now...Thank you for sharing. Your story gives me more hope."



It stopped me in my tracks. I knew that I had to keep social media up and going because my prayers had been answered, and my story just gave someone hope in the most fearful time of their life. But I was grateful for Hailey. For her sharing her experiences and warnings about what can come from not being careful on social media. I knew that I needed to change some things and always put my family first. It was exactly what I needed.

Nicole was originally in a coma. Neurologists were worried that her long term prognosis was not good. Brittany tried so hard to keep her faith but couldn't imagine not hearing her laugh anymore. Or Nicole's daughter not having her around. We talked about miracles but how hopeless we both felt. But as our Heavenly Father would have it, she just passed her hearing and vision test! Which are huge accomplishments after what her brain has been through. She communicates well for the most part and her cognitive skills are healing. She'll be in intense physical therapy for a while... but WOW! She is amazing. Strong and is not going to let anything get in her way. She is truly amazing in my eyes and I am so astonished and thankful that social media could bring us together. It can be used for such good....

Amniotic Fluid Embolism Awareness Day

If you search “Amniotic Fluid Embolism” (AFE) on google, you will see this. “…the leading cause of death during labor or shortly after birth”.

Those are the first words Josh read when he wanted to know what an AFE was… as I was being life flighted away from him. He had never heard of it before, my family had not known of its existence. And yet some case studies will show a 90% mortality rate of anyone who suffers this. My discharge diagnosis in 2012 was as follows;

—  Amniotic fluid embolism

—  Cardiopulmonary failure

—  Disseminated intravascular coagulation

—  Intra-abdominal hemorrhage after uterine rupture

—  D&E of 21 week old fetus

—  Total abdominal hysterectomy

—  Septic ovarian thrombophlebitis

—  Factor V heterozygote

—  IVC filter placement and removal

Most of these are only found on a death certificate. AFE is so rare but so hurtful to every single family that comes in contact with it. Families are left without a mother and/or baby, survivors are left in a persistent vegetative state or lifelong physical and emotional scars. Today my family and friends are wearing blue and pink- to raise awareness, to help the AFE foundation spur clinical research for this poorly understood complication.

If you wear one of these colors, tag me and #1in40000 #AFEAwareness and I will love you forever! And probably cry. XoXo…

 

 

 

My breakdown breakthrough

AH! I have missed blogging so much because… WE MOVED!

 

January and February were some of the busiest months I have ever known. I babysit some neighbor kids during the day so on an average day I have 6 kids roaming the house. It was insane trying to keep the house clean, leave at the drop of the hat for a walk through, and try to pack here and there. We had multiple situations like this one; I loaded up the 5 kids and we decided to sit in the McDonald’s parking lot with ice cream cones while someone was checking out our house. Without warning, one of the little girls I babysit threw up all. over. me. All over the car, car seat, diaper bags, herself. Everywhere. And I do NOT do puke. Not even my own. As I got out of the car, covered in this mess, a nice gentlemen stopped and offered me a roll of paper towels and the most sympathetic smile he could muster.

I also started helping a friend of mine that just had a baby with her Singers Company two days a week, I still watched my 6 kids a day, preschool, gymnastics, being a Mom and Wife, packing, inspections, final walk throughs, Dr. appointments to work out surgery dates for Camden (he had a hernia and some other male issues they needed to fix).

I was also feeling really lost at the thought of moving from the home where all my memories of Quincy resided. With Mac, my thoughts turn from the pregnancy to the hospital and the graveside. I have so many memories, as well as pictures and can visit those places as often as I need to. With Quincy, I just had the 21 pregnancy weeks in our house with him and that scared me. Would I be leaving those memories behind? Would I remember everything if I wasn’t surrounded by those scenes every day?

The smallest things would push the anxiety I thought I had under control over the edge. One night I had the most overwhelming breakdown. After sobbing in the car for hours that night…things started to get better.

I found my peace again and with the help of some very close friends and Josh, I was able to pull myself out of this awful funk I was in. And then I started to see the goodness in every single situation I had encountered.

I saw the nice man’s smile as I was covered in throw up, knowing he didn’t have to stop but in awe that he was kind enough to! I realized that if I showed up at any number of my friend’s houses crying, covered in throw up, they would have invited me in gladly and cleaned me up. We sold our house, so the last minute (dropping what we were doing, cleaning, getting 6 kids in the car) moments stopped. Friends would randomly show up to help me pack or invite us to get out of the house and help with the extra kids without complaint. Singers Company fell into place and went smoother than I thought it would. Josh’s friends came in the middle of the week to help us move, Young Men from our ward arrived later and carried things in our house. And I realized that my memories of Quincy would never be lost. Ultrasounds, movements, seeing Oakland’s excitement. Those were stored in my mind forever.

My breakdown breakthrough was this… Don’t withdraw from the very people who can help us. The smiling gentlemen, friends who don’t care if you are covered in puke, a husband who would drop anything to offer you a priesthood blessing, family who listens without judgment, a Heavenly Father who will help you gain spiritual perspective. And find the goodness in every stressfully foggy situation.  

 “God, who knows our capacity perfectly, placed us here to succeed…. When we have been weighed and found wanting, let us remember that we were measured before and we were found equal to our tasks; and, therefore, let us continue, but with a more determined discipleship. When we feel overwhelmed, let us recall the assurance that God will not overprogram us; he will not press upon us more than we can bear.” Elder Neal A. Maxwell.

Miracle...

The first time I saw this shirt on Tahnie's Instagram account, I literally cried.

It was everything I had been trying to sum up about my life the last 2 years. Even before that actually, the last 6 years. After losing Mac it hit me how quickly you can lose life. Lose the day you think you have tomorrow. That every day you are here, living a life with your family and friends is a miracle. Blood clots proved to me that no one is exempt from medical issues, unexpected illnesses or diseases. Health is a miracle. Life is so precious and can be cut so short. That lesson was engrained in my very soul when I lost Quincy and should have lost my own life. And how do you recover from so much loss? How do you recover from knowing that you should have died?

After the holiday's I always feel like I have to re-find myself. I miss the kids, I question if I am fulfilling this second chance at the life that I have been given, am I doing everything I can with the knowledge and love I've felt from my Heavenly Father?  I once heard that it's easier to keep yourself together then to build yourself back up if you lose it. This is very true for me. I have lost myself many times over the years; sobbed, wondered how I would get through it, wanted to have pity on myself. And those are not only some of the darkest times I can remember but it was incredibly hard to get out of that funk.

But when I remember that every person in my life may not be there the next? I may not be here tomorrow? Those days are valued very high. I know it's a privilege that I can not take advantage of. Today is a miracle. Tomorrow should be considered unexpected. And every day you live should be an amazing event.

http://todayisamiracle.bigcartel.com/

I have lived miracles. Miracles in child birth, in modern medicine. Miracles with adoption and unexplained events in the medical world. And this one phrase, Today is a miracle is what will carry me through 2015. I want to always remember Mac and Quincy, the good that they have taught me. I will always miss them but I want to miss them with a smile on my face because of what I have accomplished since they were introduced in my life. I need to remember that miracles happen, every day. I get discouraged when wondering if adoption will happen again for us but then I think of everything that took place to get Camden here and I know... a miracle.

My kids are miracles. My own life is a miracle. Today is a miracle...

Tahnie's insights below created the shirt that is now my very favorite piece of clothing and my 2015...