Second chances don't come around too often...: Quincy

My pregnancy with Quincy was really different from the other two. I had been through both the loss of a baby and the birth of a baby so knew the feelings of both. The entire pregnancy I was full of gratitude in such an odd way. When nauseous, I would almost cheer! But at the same time anxiety took over at every turn. I used my Fetal Doppler multiple times a day- more than I would like to admit. :) Because of the blood clots I suffered after Oakland's birth, I had to be on an anticoagulant, enoxaparin. Which meant shots in the stomach every day... and I am Terrified of needles!!! But I was lucky to have a 2 year old who would hold my hand and sing during every one and a husband who was willing to administer them since I couldn't muster the courage to do it myself.

I don't keep very much down during the first trimester of my pregnancies but this was to the extreme (for me). I couldn't even keep water from coming back up. Four times I had to go in for liquid IV therapy due to dehydration and lost 10 pounds. About week 14 I started bleeding and was... distraught. Josh and I were up that entire night researching about what it could mean, what the odds were, percentages, how likely it was that I was having a miscarriage that late. We went in to the Dr. first thing the next morning and did an ultrasound. Oddly, everything looked great. The baby looked great. My OB has actually become someone that I trust above all else. He was my Dr. throughout Oaks pregnancy, delivered her and was my Dr. for Quincy. He quickly became someone that I relied on a lot through the two pregnancies and this was no difference.

I was in his office daily during that first week of bleeding and almost every other day as the bleeding continued through week 16. He would do ultrasounds at every single one to keep me sane. Because of the blood clots and being on a blood thinner, I was also considered high risk so was seeing a hematologist. I think I lived in Dr. offices during the later half of my first and beginning of second trimester. Which was lucky for us! I got to spend a lot of time watching this beautiful baby via ultrasounds and countless hours hearing the heart beat. And we found out we were having a BOY at 14 weeks!!

That is about when the bleeding stopped and since they could not locate the cause of it, all seemed well. For the next 7 weeks, life was perfect. I had become attached to this little boy and knew his movements well. Here is a picture of me at 20 weeks pregnant, right before my AFE.

You can read more about my AFE later, but that was the last I remember. Josh had to make the decision to sacrifice Quincy in order to keep me alive- on June 11, 2012. I don't really like how it's talked about in medical terms... he wasn't "viable" so he couldn't survive, they wouldn't let my family see him because of the process it took to "evacuate" him. Deep down I know the process, but I like to think about it so differently and pray that they took care of his cherished little body.

They were able to take hand and feet molds while I was still in the hospital recovering and brought those to me as soon as they were done. My Mom and Airmed Nurse / Friend / Comforter, Windi, fought hard to make sure I had these. They were perfect. He was perfect.

Because of that state I was in, Josh decided to have his body cremated. They weren't sure when and if they would have the opportunity to perform a funeral. Quincy was cremated on June 27, 2012...Mac's 4th birthday.

I had been released from the hospital by the time his ashes were ready to be picked up. Josh drove me to the hospital but going in and picking them up was something I wanted to do alone. Up to that point, I didn't have a single memory of him after pregnancy. And I wanted that. I met the kindest women in the chapel of the hospital. She let me open up the box and look at his ashes. She allowed me all the time I needed and answered every question that I had. I felt so much comfort and peace. There was not a time while I sat there that I felt sad or angry or any of the feelings you would expect to feel- it was just so calm and peaceful.

A few weeks later, our friends gave us a temporary marker to put at the cemetery. Josh and I have decided to wait to bury his ashes until we have made a better decision of what we want to do. With already having a plot where Mac is at, we have debated about burying him with his older brother, keeping the ashes until I pass and then burying them both with me, etc.