Josh. Cali. McKallister. Oakland. Quincy. Camden. Murphy.

Why did this happen to me?

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

When Mac first passed away, I think everyone's first thought was "Why". Sometimes you just can't help it. I wondered why I wasn't good enough to be a Mom, or what I had done to cause this to happen. I wondered why I had gone through the entire 9 months of pregnancy, only to have a life with Mac cut short because of a cord accident. I wondered why God would do this to me? Why does he not love me enough to keep me from feeling that pain. I think everyone tends to do this when life gets tough.

Today though, I say this...

Why did God love me enough to trust me with his choice spirits and allow me to have Oakland on this earth to raise? What did I do to cause this to happen- be lucky enough to have two amazing kids. Why did I go through the doubts and hurt thinking I wasn't good enough when I know now what I do? Why would God do this to me? Why does he LOVE me so much that he would let me feel pain so that when Oakland was born, I know the hurt I could have felt and can feel the gratitude, pure love, and happiness towards our kids.

A wise women once said, "We can ask "why?" and "if only..." all we want, but it won't change the reality that Mac just wasn't meant to stay with us. No matter what would have happened differently, the outcome would have remained the same. God does not make mistakes. Mac was simply not meant to be here. He was too perfect to stay. His spirit was so pure that he had to be called home before enduring the trials and pains of this world. He fulfilled his earthly mission in the short time he was here and has returned to his heavenly home."

I say, "We should ask "why?" about the good things in life every day, because Heavenly Father loves us enough to bless us on a daily basis. No matter what does happen in our lives, God does not make mistakes. Some things are meant to happen, to teach us and to help us grow. We need to strive to be perfect. Our family needs to look up to Mac and his spirit that is so pure and live through the trials and pain of this world so we can be with him again some day. We need to fulfill our earthly mission in the time we have so we can also return to our heavenly home."

Why am I and my family healthy?
Why do I get the opportunity to raise such an amazing little girl?
Why do I have such a great job?
Why do I have a husband that loves me?
Why do I get the chance to see snow and smell rain?
Why do I get the privilege to live in a day where there are wondrous things happening in the church?
Why do I deserve this? Why is this happening to me? HOW did I get so lucky...

Original post by Me

Mommy Josh

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

I know the title of this post is a little interesting so let me explain... Josh has been the main care giver to Oakland for the last 4 weeks! And has done an amazing job!! The week after I had Oakland, I started noticing a pain in my leg that I just chalked up to sore muscles from walking around the mall with Josh the day before. I let it go until my right leg was three times bigger than my left and black and blue! I went in to the ER and was admitted with a blood clot that ranged from my abdomen to just above my knee.

I was in the hospital for a just under a week... As you can imagine, this was SO insanely hard. I just had a new baby that I wanted to be with more than anything in the world and couldn't. I was trying to pump my milk so that I could continue nursing when I got out. I was worried about Josh having to take care of this week old baby. I was worried about myself and in a ton of pain. Oak could only come visit for short periods of time because we didn't want her to get sick from all the germs that were in the hospital and I had a hard time holding her because of all of my IV's and the pain in my stomach.

After a week I came home but was on strict bedrest so Josh was still in charge of Oakland. A week later I made Josh take me back to the ER because the pain was getting worse and I felt like there was something wrong...sure enough the blood clot was not breaking up and had now extended from my abdomen to just above my knee, to my abdomen all the way down to my ankle. Our only option was to be admitted to the hospital again with no idea of how long I would be there this time.

I was having a really hard time staying positive and know a portion of that was being cooped up in a hospital and bed for the last couple of weeks. The only thing that kept me going was knowing how lucky I was to have a healthy baby girl waiting at home for me....

So after being in the hospital twice and on bed rest until about 4 days ago, I am finally starting to walk around!! I still have a hard time staying up for long periods of time and have to elevate my leg as much as possible after being up and moving but I am finally starting to be able to take care of myself and Oakland.

I always knew that I had a good man after Mac passed away and after all the help he gave me emotionally for that, but Josh just gets better and better every day. He took 100% care of Oakland for 4 solid weeks and put up with me bossing him around since I couldn't do anything for myself. He cleaned the house and kept up on the laundry and did his finals for school! I will never understand how I got so lucky to have him as a husband.

I also have to publicly thank my family and friends. From visiting me in the hospital and at home in order to keep my spirits up to helping take care of Oakland. From feeding Josh and I dinner to letting me invade their living room so that I could sleep comfortably and get some sunshine. For checking up on me and letting Josh hang out with them to get away from us nagging girls. :)

Life sure does throw a lot of curve balls at you and I haven't been ready for any of them!! I can tell you this though...I have learned something very valuable from every single hard situation that has come up but am ready to have a break for at least a little while and just hang out with my little 6 week old baby girl who is not so little anymore!!!

Now that I am back on track with life I will post some pictures of Oakland soon and updates on what her and Josh have been up to the last little while.

Original post by Me
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