Josh. Cali. McKallister. Oakland. Quincy. Camden. Murphy.

Pregnant and Infant Loss Awareness

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

October is one of the months that plays with my emotions. There are some days and some times that I just really miss those two boys of mine. October 11, 2012 was the date my Dr. was going to induce me with Quincy. October 15 is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day and the entire month is set up to remember those who have lost babies and children way too soon. Days and months like this, I hurt for those Mom's that have been through similar situations and wonder how they are holding up. And I always think, "what would Mac and Quincy look like" "what would they be doing now"....

This year my prayers were answered in a round about way with Quincy. I am LDS and so I hold a calling in my ward, Nursery Leader. About midway through the year, the Primary Presidency moved some of the younger Nursery kids up to my class (we have 3 nurseries because there are so many kids ages 18 months to 3 years!). One holds a really special place in my heart because her Mom and I were pregnant at the same time, due the same month. Little Miss Saylor always comes and sits on my lap first thing. She hugs me throughout the class and always seems to know just what I need from a little friend Quincy's age. She'll hold my hand and tell me funny things that makes her nose crinkle. I am lucky to be able to watch her grow up and have a small taste of what Quincy would be doing... There are two other boys that also celebrate their birthdays in October and I watch them every Sunday in wonder! Saylor likes the books and bubbles, Rafe likes cars and ring-around-the-rosie, Noah loves to run and get his hands on any toy! Would Quincy wrestle with the boys? Would he want to sit on my lap the whole time? Would he share his snacks with the other kids? Would he be naughty? :) I am grateful for a Bishopric who didn't know this need of mine, but followed the spirit and I was placed in this calling at the perfect time!
Happy 2nd Birthday Saylor, Noah, Rafe and Quincy!!
On Quincy's due date, the 11th, I just made sure we were hanging out as a family. We went shopping in the mall (which is really fun with Oakland but not so fun with Josh and Camden. Haha) then went to Texas Road House with my parents and Brother for dinner. Spending time with loved ones on those hard days is the only thing that gets me through them. I am always tempted to stay home and watch tv all day but once I get out and moving, the days always turn out to be the best!

On October 15th, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day, I was having a really emotional day. I was aching for women I had met who had lost children, three just this year. I was realizing the holidays were coming and I wouldn't have Mac and Quincy there. I was kind of putting myself in a rut of pity. And then two of my best friends saved me from some simple texts that meant the world to me and reminded me that I wasn't alone...


I have been blessed with who the Lord placed in my life in every situation I have gone through. Friends and family members who have played significant roles in getting me through the hard times with a smile on my face. I love that about our Heavenly Father. He gives us trials and hardships to overcome but he also gives us resources to help push us through. Man, am I grateful to know the separation from my boys is temporary and the fact that I am able to hug and love on Oakland and Camden every single day. To cap off a hard couple of weeks, I had a girls night out with some of the most caring, hilarious, talented, compassionate, thoughtful, crazy ladies you will ever lay eyes on!!
Missed those of you who couldn't make it, let's do this again soon!!!


This little light of mine...

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

....I've gotta let her shine.

Oakland wasn't born yet when we had Mac, she was 2 1/2 when we had Quincy, and 3 1/2 when we got Camden. For a long time she was really confused about pregnancies, babies, adoption, why some got to stay and others didn't. I remember having multiple conversations where we would cry together. She would ask every pregnant women if their baby was going to heaven with Mac. Then she would randomly tell strangers that two of her brothers were dead, most of whom would look at me with big questioning eyes. She had conversations with women, asking if they were going to give us their baby. I'm sure people wondered what I was teaching her. I wondered if it was the right thing to be teaching her about.

But then I realized something... Mac plays a huge role in our family so we talk about him a lot, we visit Mac's park, we know other families who have lost babies. She was present when I had my AFE, she watched Josh perform CPR on me, she understood that Quincy passed away like Mac. She suffered the failed adoption with us, she thought she had a sister, she held her and loved her. Then Oak witnessed the miracle of adoption. She sees my scars and knows that "Mom's tummy is broken", she wonders when we will "get" another baby. I blame myself that she had to grow up way too fast.

And then that realization makes me realize something else... She has portions of the gospel of Jesus Christ rooted in her. Her relationship with our Heavenly Father at this age is amazing. She believes she will be with her Brothers again and asks me all the time when Jesus will come again so she can be with them. She has learned a lot about agency and that everyone gets to make choices of their own and sometimes it effects others. She got to enter in the temple with us when we were sealed to Camden and I love that she got to feel such a strong confirming spirit at her age. She is learning to stay strong and positive in the face of trials. Her ability to know when I am having a hard day is inspiring but even more so is her constant want to serve those who are suffering. She listened to all four sessions of Conference this weekend because she wanted to know what the Prophet needed her to do so that she can see her Brothers and be with us forever.

The other night she said the prayer for our family and the first words out of her mouth were, "Please bless Mom to always be healthy and not miss Mac and Quincy so much".  Later she told me how much she missed them. We went to a pumpkin patch and she said that she wished more than anything that Mac could be there with her. And it dawned on me, she has learned to pray for others. While she misses them and wants to have them here, she also knows that I do and asked our Heavenly Father to bless ME!
I talk about her spunk and confidence often, she is loud and playful, she helps around the house, but more than that...she SHINES! This girl is going to accomplish amazing things in her life and I hope she touches many as she does so...she already has inspired me.

Tomorrow is not promised to anyone, young or old...

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

My friend, Cassie, recently shared with me a part of the Sunday I'll never remember but can't forget.
  "I sat by you in sacrament. Do you remember? It's ok if you don't. It's so insignificant for you that day, but I'll always remember. We kept laughing at Josh for some reason. Maybe cause he was making funny faces at the speakers or something. I remember how healthy and beautiful and happy you looked."

I don't remember any of that, but not because it was insignificant like she mentioned- but because of the medication I was given before transport on the helicopter. Before she told me this, I liked to think that I was kind to those I saw at church that day, said hello to friends I passed in the hall, felt the spirit, participated in the lesson maybe? I know on Saturday I loved the lake with my family, we enjoyed dinner together, we talked we laughed.

My parents used to have a rule that whenever they or one of us were fighting, we were not allowed to get in the car and leave. They always told us that you would never want to have something happen on that note, or let the other person suffer through the last thing they said in a fight if you got in a car accident.

So the most important thing Cassie said was that I looked happy and I laughed with her. If that would have been my last day, then that literally would have been within my last few hours- I'm so glad it was! I'm grateful that while everyone has some regrets or things they wish they would have done differently, I was currently in LOVE with life and my family and my friends. And I'm even more grateful that I have my second chance to try and improve myself and love this life even more every day!

We don't know what is going to happen to us tomorrow. Tomorrow is not promised to anyone, young or old. That is one thing that I can give evidence to! I know how precious life is. So, what if today was the last day you had on this earth? Will people remember you being happy, positive, kind, helping them, smiling, radiant? Or will they remember that you yelled at them, or weren't grateful, or were unkind to a stranger?

Please, for my sake, hug and kiss your loved ones goodbye and then pull them back for another hug and kiss. Spend time with your friends. Laugh at jokes. Prepare yourself to return to God's presence. Hold your hubbies hand. Have a conversation with an old friend. Serve someone. Dote on your kids. Say all your I love you's, sorries, thank you's, forgive me's now!!

And have an incredibly awesome October!
Cam was far more interested in the pumpkins and trying to stay awake than smiling for me!

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