The first time I saw her was after I had one of my MRI's or tests that had taken me out of my room. I don't remember that test but I remember the gentlemen that pushed my bed and him telling me in such a calm voice that if it was ok with me, he would swing me by to see my daughter. She was waiting at the end of a hall and I wanted this guy to run so I could get to her faster but then I realized that would hurt so I didn't ask. She looked so different to me (older?) and this was the first time my heart ached to see family- realizing that I would be able to raise her and see them all grow. I noticed that someone had done her hair and I longed to be able to do that again. I still didn't comprehend the situation, didn't realize that if one thing had changed during the process I would not be alive but I felt overwhelmed to see her. I think Josh cried, I know I did.
Directly after all my surgeries, I still couldn't drink any water but my mouth was so dry. Like, I know what it would be like to live in a desert for a few days dry. There was a small sponge on the end of a stick that my Mom would dip in water and then put on my lips and tongue to give me a little relief. The first time she did it, I remembered it! It shocked me to remember something that I had never used before, only to learn that they had done this while I was in the MICU while I was still intubated. Something that small should not have made me so happy but man did it relieve that source of distress for me.
I believe the first room I was moved to after the ICU was on a maternity floor. Now this is my memory of this room, it could be totally wrong but here is an account of what I thought and felt during that time. My Mom sat next to me on the bed because I had a headache- one of the worst I have ever had. It hurt more when she touched me but I thought if she kept rubbing, it would go away and I really wanted it to go away because there were so many other places in pain too. I was so uncomfortable but they were doing everything they could to make me comfortable. Josh and my Dad were there and my Dad's parents. I remember my Grandma talking but I couldn't listen- it was too much to try and concentrate. My Mom was mad or irritated and then I noticed that my Dad seemed to be too but he just looked too tired to let any other emotion show but exhaustion. Josh just watched me but I didn't know why, he hadn't looked at me that smitten since we were engaged. :)
I asked my Mom to stop rubbing my head- I think I may have pushed her hand away because I just wanted the pain to stop and she left crying. Had I done that? Why was she crying? She went out to the hall and talked to a nurse, was she telling on me? She looked mad. (Since I was on a maternity floor, there was a baby basinet in my room and they could hear babies crying. She was begging this nurse to move me because once I realized what was going on around me, she knew it would break my heart to hear those sounds after losing Quincy. And it was already too hard for my family).
Then two nurses came in and I knew immediately that we liked them. I could tell by how everyone reacted but I couldn't place them. I don't think I had met them but Josh knew who they were and he loved them. He thought they were cool too- I could tell by how he treated them. They were really happy to see him and they all hugged and introductions were made. Windi and Amanda. I remember someone telling me that these ladies were my heros, had literally saved my life. Ok, I didn't know what that meant. My head still really hurt but these ladies were really nice and excited to see me. They explained that they were the ones who worked on me when I was on the helicopter. Someone suggested that they took a picture with Josh and I thought it was nice that they said yes. Little did I know that this would be my favorite picture and has a lot of meaning to me. Without these three, I would not be alive today. Windi said that she would come check on me again and I felt really safe and protected when she was around. I liked that. After they left, they took me to another room.
I still can't recall the conversation where Josh told me I had lost Quincy or they had to do a hysterectomy. I just knew it. He said that he had told me over and over. Every time I woke up, I wouldn't remember and he would have to tell me again. Live through it again. Watch my reaction again. He had so much patience and love during this time- regardless of the emotional pain he was going through. The next few days are all clumped together. I slept a lot so I never knew what time of day it was.
What I do remember most was the pain. I ached from the surgeries. I couldn't sit up, roll over or really move because of the emergency hysterectomy which left a stapled shut incision from my belly button down. (I'll spare you from looking at those pictures) There was a dull persistent pain in my lower back from just laying on the bed. My throat was mostly always on fire. Maybe from being intubated, maybe from not having a drink of water for days, could have been from being on oxygen- which made my nose dry. I was covered in bruises; IV's and the blood pressure cuff made my arms look like I had been hit multiple times- by a bus.
My family was there. A lot! I was never left alone and there were some days where Josh really needed to be with Oakland so my parents were stuck with me. I would tell them they could go but secretly prayed that they wouldn't leave me alone. If others were there talking, eating, laughing, I wouldn't have to let my brain go where it wanted to... thinking about Quincy and not being able to have anymore kids. At least every hour for the first few days a specialist was in my room to evaluate and re-evaluate where I was and what they needed to do to keep me moving forward.
On day 6 of the hospital I started to develop a fever and low blood pressure. Every little change would terrify me. I think my family was numb, even over the worry and being scared by this point but the days of my recovery were the scariest for me. After a very intense workup of CT scans and MRI's, they located a septic ovarian vein thrombus (blood clots in my ovaries). To keep the clot from potentially traveling to my lungs, they placed an inferior venacaval (IVC) filter and I would have to get back on blood thinner. Shots in my stomach.
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Before doing this surgery, they explained to me what would happen. With what I had been through, and what was ahead, I think they believed this was minor but I was a mess. A radiologist would use images to guide the filter into place in a large vein in the abdomen that returns blood from the lower body to the heart. Blood clots that develop in the veins of the leg or pelvis can occasionally break up and large pieces of the clot can travel to the lungs. The IVC filter traps large clot fragments and prevents them from traveling through the veins to the heart and lungs.
As with all surgeries, someone comes and grabs you and wheels you away from your family. I started having a panic attack and remember waiting in the hall as they cleaned the room I would be going in. A nice young man waited with me and as people entered and exited he tried to joke with me. But the nurse that prepped me for surgery could tell this was not easy for me and promised she would hold my hand the entire time. That room seemed so incredibly bright to me. I had had surgeries before but was always knocked out before entering the surgical room. I watched as everyone got ready, scrubbed up, but like she promised- she stayed put. Holding my hand and rubbing it with her thumb. She must be a Mom.
I don't think they put me all the way under for this surgery cause I remember the pressure of them inserting the filter and the Dr. talking through each step he did but I don't remember if she was actually holding my hand or feeling scared anymore so I'm not sure. When I became aware of my surroundings, she was there though to make sure I was ok. She even stayed with me until I was escorted back to my family. She didn't have to do that, but I can still see her smiling face when I think about her and remember feeling extremely loved during that moment, despite the fear that was in my heart. She is definitely a great professional but an even better women.
I didn't realize that I had this central line in my neck. I knew that they pumped medication in there and they had used it for the surgery but it never registered what it was. It probably would have freaked me out to know there was an IV hooked by my throat! I still have the smallest scar where it was but actually like it. As with any IV, when it's removed you don't realize how constricted that area of your body was. I remember getting the best nights sleep that night because I had one fewer place being held together by tubes, wires and needles.
When a fever would spike, blood pressure would drop, or heart rate would elevate again it felt like the end of my world. They wanted to do a CT scan at one point and wanted me to drink something to help identify what they wanted to look at. It was the foulest tasting drink ever and I still wasn't even eating so it pushed me over the edge- fast! My Mom was with me and took me for a walk to help distract what I was putting in my stomach. I remember getting back to the room and just sobbing. Begging her to not make me drink anymore and pleading for her to make the nurse say I had had enough. I felt like a little kid. I was going to throw it all back up and I remember just feeling like this was the worst thing that could ever happen. That stinkin' little drink.
Every day still I would get a little better, but sometimes would feel worse. I remember at one point it was just my Dad and I. I felt like my body had just had it. Not to mention my emotional state. I felt like I had to tell him to take care of Josh in case I died. Being so young, I hadn't ever voiced that to anyone (without it being a joke) so when my Dad came back into the room I begged him in a breaking voice, "Dad, if I don't make it will you please make sure Josh dates again and eventually marries for him and Oakland?" He smiled but could tell I was serious, and like every great Dad he reassured me that I would be ok. I had made it through the worst parts of this trial and I had been spared to be with Josh a little longer and raise Oakland until she was old. I think my meds kicked in then because everything faded out and I don't remember how the conversation ended.
It must have been at least a week since I'd been in the hospital and I was to the point that I could sit up pretty good....ok if I moved the bed it would sit me up pretty good. :) But the nurse came in and asked if I would like to go for a walk in the wheel chair. Josh, my parents and little brother Alex were there. It always took me a really long time to get from the bed to anywhere else but everyone was patient. Not only because of the surgeries but my legs and arms were just extremely week. I was also still on a lot of pain medication so was dizzy and sometimes not all the way there. I don't remember how it came about but they gave my family permission to take me out on the deck, outside! I had definitely forgotten that it was June and remember when the sun hit my face it was like magic. My body had adjusted to the cool hospital rooms so the warmth shocked me. I couldn't believe how great it felt on my skin and I missed it and realized that I longed for it. My family pointed out the platform that the helicopter landed on, showed me where they were standing waiting for me to arrive, we looked out over the beautiful valley and I didn't want to leave this magical place ever. I had such a different perspective already about this earth I was allowed to stay on.
From that point on I had ups and downs. Obviously they had to remove the IVC filter when it got closer to me going home. But they also had me up and walking with Physical Therapists every day. They eventually took out my catheter so I had to start getting up and trying to make my way to the bathroom.
The physical therapists showed me how to sit without putting too much reliance on my stomach muscles (that were non- existent), by rolling on to my side and then using my arm to push the rest of my body up. Now before I could do any of this to get out of bed, I had to unhook myself. I had pressure cuffs hooked to both of my legs to help prevent blood clots. In the beginning I wasn't able to undo those by myself because I just couldn't bend that far forward. I had to take the stand that held my fluids and medicine, hooked to me through all the IV's, so that had to come apart from the wall. It took me a good 10 minutes to actually get prepared to get out of bed, then quite a bit longer to hoist myself up (they didn't want anyone helping me so I got my strength back) and then make my way to the restroom.
My Dad had gone to grab a drink and I realized that I had to go really bad! Obviously I had to wait for him or hit the call nurse button but thought he would be back soon. Once he returned I told him he had to help me to the bathroom and by the time we unhooked me from the bed, I could not hold it any longer. Because I didn't have the muscles needed, about half way to the bathroom I just started going. Right there. On the ground. And all over my DAD! Now anyone that knows my Dad, knows that he is a gagger. Immediately I thought he was going to throw up. I started apologizing like crazy and between gags he was able to say, "Gag, no honey gag it's GAG fine. It gag happens, hahaha let's just get you GAG to the restroom... GAAAG." When I was finished, they were almost done cleaning up (Oh I feel SO bad!) and my Dad and I just sat there giggling for the next hour! We would get on another topic and he would just blurt out, "I can't believe you just peed on me!" and we would start laughing all over again. When telling everyone else about it (they didn't believe us) he would giggle and say, "At least you are alive. You can pee on me anytime."
Oakland was very intimidated by all the IV's and oxygen I was on so wouldn't get near me too often until all those things were removed. I remember the first time she snuggled in the bed with me... Every time I think about it I get so teary eyed. I put this little girl through so much when she was only 2 1/2. She was so strong and kept a smile on her face for me the entire time. I can honestly say that she is my best little friend and helped me get through this very hard time. When I ask her about this time frame, she always just says, "Oh yeah, when Papa Joe bought me my cow". (From the gift shop, one day he took her shopping). Sometimes she'll remember other pieces and ask me about them but for the most part, that cow was her lifeline.
I hadn't been able to shower this entire time (I'm sure I smelled lovely and hospital-ly) so when the time came for a shower, it must have been the greatest thing to happen to me EVER! My Sister, Amy, had brought a sponge and some amazing scrub. My Mom said that she would help because I still had a hard time doing small tasks alone and got lightheaded easily. I sat there just letting the water run over me. I'm pretty sure this was heaven. My Mom helped me wash my hair and did a pretty good job at keeping herself dry... just kidding. The women was fully clothed and soaked! But she knew this was such a big deal to me so didn't complain once. She washed my whole body and scrubbed/rubbed my back and toes. We scrubbed off goop from monitors and dye from surgeries. I felt like a new person after this.
Eventually they said that I was ready to start introducing food back into my body. I hadn't eaten in days but I wasn't hungry at all. In fact, food sounded quite repulsing. They let me select the options from the menu but I would wait until Josh was around so he would say what sounded good. I knew if he thought it sounded good I could sneak a suspicious amount to him while no one was watching and he wouldn't pay attention to how much he ate. :) I would take maybe one or two bites and feel stuffed! But would eat enough to keep my parents and Josh happy.
Josh's birthday came while I was still in the hospital. I remember feeling so bad that I didn't get him anything. I didn't really have rational feelings while in the hospital... but his parents got him a very good looking hoodie and I was extremely grateful that he got a gift. He kept telling me that the fact that I was alive was gift enough... such a nice boy.
Besides Josh and my parents, Ike and Amy were at the hospital the most. I remember waking up to them most of the time or hearing them out in the hall. I know Josh was grateful for it and I was happy to always have people around- especially them because they took care of my family while they were there. They lived near the hospital so I believe Josh ate most of his meals with them. A nurse had told us that we could go for a walk if we wanted and not just on that floor, but Josh could take me around the hospital to get me out of the area. We watched Oakland and Ike ride the escalators a hundred times and I could have watched them more, it made her so happy.
They raced through the skywalk and I remember Oakland telling me that Ike was her best friend. I was so glad that she was feeling loved, that he took the time to play with her and entertain her so that she wouldn't remember this time as sad or hard and I knew this was happening with whoever she was with.
It was so weird for me to see others just carrying on with their lives. Obviously being in the hospital they were there for a sick family member. Maybe a new baby being born or a surgery. But so many people were just walking around or sitting in the halls. Eating lunch or chatting with friends. I had been so sheltered in my room that this was so different for me and I realized that if the hospital was like this, then the rest of the world was literally still moving. We went to one of the hospital cafeterias and ate and then I just remember needing to sleep for hours after because it had taken all of my energy to be pushed in the wheel chair. :)
Nights were the hardest for me. Josh would normally stay late but then we would both agree that he should go be with Oakland. I was always relieved when one of my parents would stay. Even though I knew how extremely uncomfortable they must be. They weren't getting sleep but they would tell me that they slept better there then at home because if they were there they wouldn't worry. At home, they would just wonder if I was doing ok. I required sleeping pills to sleep at nights because my mind would just wonder and I would start to have major panic attacks or bad dreams once I did fall asleep.
I remember one time at night, Windi came to visit me (my airmed nurse). It was probably around 8 pm but I loved seeing her. She had become someone that I wanted to have around. She visited a lot and had given Josh her number in case we needed anything and to keep updated on us. Besides my family, I felt the most comfort when she was around and I realized that she would be one of my greatest friends forever. Even to this day, when I'm feeling scared or unsure- she is one person that I just want to have around because she has such a calming spirit about her. My Mom must have felt the same way because she never slept when I was awake and all of the sudden, Windi and I hear this abrupt fog horn sound coming from my Mom. :) She had fallen asleep. Fast and very soundly. I was put at ease to know that she could sleep soundly. Maybe for the first time in a couple weeks.
In the last few days of my stay, my parents would feel ok with going home during the day and letting others stay with me so they could catch up on sleep or shower or sit on a couch that wasn't hospital issued. I remember at one point having my Grandma come to sit with me. I didn't want to fall asleep because she was taking time out of her day to be with me but then I realized that she didn't care. She as content with just sitting in the room with me, watching TV or reading a book. I would doze in and out. Always feeling her love when I woke up. Seeing her smile at me or ask what she could do to take care of me. I kept thinking that I should be taking care of her instead of me ordering her around. I'm lucky to have my Grandparents still alive and will always cherish the one on one time with them- even under those circumstances.
Friends from work came and told me that they were so worried when they first heard, that they all rushed to the hospital. The staff actually let them in to see me in the ICU! (At that point they didn't think I was going to make it so I think were way more lenient on letting people visit) I can't even imagine looking at a friend like that so will forever be grateful that they came to comfort me. I guess I grabbed one of their hands and wouldn't let go so we all laughed about that. I remember they told me how good I looked (which I probably did vs. the ICU with a tube down my throat) but I thought they were joking because I had seen myself in the mirror!
My friends Sarah and Stacie came, but all I remember is that Sarah told me she would braid my hair for me (this was special to me because she had braided my hair for me when I was in the hospital after having Oakland) and that she brought me a bright blanket so that I had some color in my dull room.
Aunts and Uncles came, the younger cousins would always look at me a little iffy. I'm sure their parents had told them to not bug me or talk quiet because everyone was always so careful with me. It probably had to do with the fact that I was covered in bruises, pale skin, and sounded hoarse when I spoke too. Oh and that I should have died. I remember when my uncle, Shaun, came. He is a occupational therapist. I was convinced he was going to make me do some sort of leg stretch or jumping jacks across the room but he was just as kind as ever, which made me realize that I must be in bad shape if he didn't want to push me around. Lol.
Josh's sister, Taylor had come up from Cedar City. I remember thinking what a long drive that was and I felt so bad that she made that trip all the way for me. It proved to me how much she cared about my family and I admired and loved her for that.
My Mom told me that our neighbor President Johnson and his wife Jill came to visit me but I don't remember that at all. I guess during that time I was focused on a social worker that kept hovering over my room. She needed Josh to fill out and sign some papers so kept checking in on him but I didn't know so just thought she was a creepy lady stalking me. I called her the vulture lady and I remember her quite well!
When I could move around by myself, I was on my way back from the restroom. You know how attractive the hospital gowns are...? And how revealing...? Well when I was on my own, I had a hard time keeping the back portion of this wonderful outfit closed. And who should come walking in to see my entire back end!? That's right... my Stake President. He was so gracious to come and visit me, make sure I was ok and ask if there was anything he could do for me. So... I didn't even care. :)
Josh started getting super antsy by about day 10 of the hospital. He wanted me to come home so bad and they were all starting to get sick of the hospital. I wanted to go home too but felt so secure in the hospital, it scared me to leave. Besides that, I had to accomplish doing two tasks before I was able to come home and both were not on my list of items I felt like doing anytime in this life! 1. Getting the staples taken out of my incision. 2. Going number 2 in the restroom (sorry lots of information on that one).
The nurse came in to take the staples out and told me that it doesn't hurt too bad. Mostly the skin is numb around where they cut so I shouldn't feel much. Josh wasn't there and I'm deathly afraid of needles (great for what I had been through huh?) so the fact of them pulling staples out of my stomach made my insides turn. I convinced her to wait until Josh got there- I needed his comfort and to hold his hand. You know when you are younger and they tell you to squeeze someone's hand if it hurts? I'm pretty sure that is psychological but man does it work for me!
They literally have an instrument that looks like your average paper staple remover. She had to get between the skin and staple, clamp down to open the staple and then pull it out. Doesn't sound too bad right?... WRONG!!! OWWWW! I believe that is what it feels like to get stabbed in the gut! And only 30 more to go! I have a pretty high pain tolerance but blech. I was almost due for some pain medication so they gave me that and she said she'd come back in about half an hour. Super nice but that half an hour just gave my mind time to mull over that awful pain and plan on more. It was very miserable to say the least but actually felt very nice to have those out!
Now last but not least. Using the bathroom. It had been 12 days of being stopped up. Probably because of the surgeries, definitely because of the medication and possibly because doing any sort of pushing felt like my stomach was going to burst clean open. I had been on a lot of laxatives, pills, milk of magnesia, everything combined and nothing was moving. But that was the one thing holding me back so of course the hubby was very into asking me about that every two seconds. The night before I went home... I was so proud of myself! I called and texted my entire family and they were all very supportive in offering the correct amount of excitement for this task I had just completed! Now they could start the paperwork to get me home.
I couldn't be by myself, so we arranged for me to stay with my parents while Josh was at work. So they weren't having to move me a bunch we agreed that I would just live there for the next few weeks and Josh would go back and forth between taking care of our home and sleeping with me. Oh it felt amazing to sign that last piece of paper, say goodbye to all the nurses (I was actually really sad to say goodbye, they had taken the very best care of me) and get every last IV taken out. They gave me a brace to wear to hopefully help hold my stomach muscles for me and Josh and my Mom wheeled me, flowers and about 12 bags worth of stuff we had accumulated at the hospital out to the car.
And just like that, I was going home. My discharge diagnoses included several that are only seen on death certificates; suspected amniotic fluid embolism, cardiopulmonary failure, disseminated intravascular coagulopathy, intra- abdominal hemorrhage after uterine rupture, emergent abdominal hysterectomy, septic ovarian thrombus, factor V heterozygote, and IVC filter placement and removal. It all seemed so bizarre. Having gone through something like that, my emotions were obviously the thing I had to focus on now. My life had been turned upside down. I still had a long way to go to heal, my body was exhausted most of the time and I wouldn't have 3 nurses by my side constantly. I was nervous and anxious but ecstatic to finally be home.
I'm so glad you're blogging again. I've often wondered about you and how you are doing. I'd check your old blog from time to time hoping to see an entry . . .
ReplyDeleteI look forward to following your new blog. You are amazing. Blessings to you and your family.