This week has been a real eye opener for me and I wanted to share some of my feelings with those of you that follow our blog or even read it occasionally. I haven’t really blogged about my Mac feelings for some time but this week was super eventful and really life changing for me.
For those of you that don’t know Josh plays baseball for UVU and their season started on Thursday (yah)! I didn’t realize until he left that right now he is my life line. I was a WRECK the first night I was alone and then was disappointed in myself because I thought I had come so far and felt like I went back a huge step. I didn’t realize how unstable I am when I’m alone because I haven’t been since Mac passed away. I never realized this but when I’m at work- I’m with my co-workers and friends, when I’m at home- Josh is there, during lunch- I’m normally at my Mom’s with her. I started watching and noticed that there are so many instances where I am on the verge of tears (or a major melt down :))and someone comes to my rescue without even knowing it. I had no idea how many times a night I still wake up with nightmares but with Josh there I just roll over to cuddle with him and fall back asleep. I didn’t realize how much I think about how empty my house is without a baby but then Josh will cheer me up somehow. And I had no idea how much I had planned on having Mac around when Josh left on his baseball trips- I had it all planned out in my head only to realize that I was alone that night.
I ended up staying at my parents house the next couple of nights because I couldn’t stand to be alone. I got to asking myself- am I really ready to have another baby? That has been my thought process for the last couple of days… Josh and I have been trying for over 6 months now to get pregnant again, 4 of those months we have done ovulation tests and I have been taking prenatal vitamins. I’ve been really discouraged and struggling a lot with the fact that we haven’t been able to. This week I realized that this whole time I have not wanted another baby- I want my baby…I want Mac. I thought that if I had another one it would “fix” me or I would feel better about it, but honestly I shouldn’t feel that way because no one else is going to heal my heart the way I wanted it too and I want the next kid to be just as special.
Monday a new Niece arrived into the Hinckley family- Zoey Lou Hinckley. It was an…emotional day for Josh and I because we were filled with excitement and love for this new little baby but it was so hard. Zoey was born in the same hospital that Mac was, so it was the same floor, the same waiting room, the same people. I was so caught up in the excitement waiting for Zoey to be born that I wasn’t paying attention to my surroundings until I saw the nurse that helped me through labor, Wendy. I told myself that there was no way she could remember us because of an experience I had with my Dr. so wasn’t going to go over and say hello, but Josh marched straight over. She turned to him and said, “I was wondering when you were going to come say hello, how is Cali”. She remembered me- and not only me but my name! I could tell by the way Josh reacted that it was safe for me to go over so I went over and gave her a huge hug- honestly I didn’t want to let go. This women stayed strong for me, tried to make jokes to keep us laughing, and was genuinely kind during labor.
When I walked in to the room to see Zoey my heart melted for that sweet little spirit and it was such a bitter sweet moment. The feeling between that day and June 27th were so entirely different and yet I realized that they were both just as special. Zack and Heather were so happy and had such a strong spirit about them, Josh’s Mom was in the room with us and was so sensitive to our feelings and handed Zoey right over to me. Heather then turned to me and said that they had named her Zoey Lou in hopes that she would have some of the strength that I had. (Everyone in my family calls me Lou- parents, brothers, sister, Josh, aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and all my close friends) I didn’t even know what to say- it was one of the greatest experiences for me to hear that and I was so touched!
I had this sick feeling about hospitals, Dr’s, having a baby that I needed to get over. Everything that happened this week pushed me a hundred steps closer to healing. I am so grateful that Zoey Lou has come in to our lives at this time to help me through all of this and for her parents who are amazing people and have helped me in a way they will never know. I am so glad that Josh is playing ball- no matter how hard it is- because it can only make me stronger. It’s amazing to me to know the friends and family that I do and their great support through all the hard times. So I guess at the end of the week, I'm just grateful for the additional trials that I go through even though I thought my "turn" for trials was over. Keep 'em coming because I am growing more and more with each one!! :)
Original post by Me
Mac Feelings
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Happy Valentines Day from the Hinckleys!!
Since our Anniversary is so close to Valentines day we just decided to spend the day together and made a trip to see Mac. There was already a heart plate and his windmills when we got there (and the pine cones of course). My parents had taken him a balloon and left a magic marker there for everyone to write on but we think they must have blown away because they weren't there when we showed up.
Josh won't let me take flowers up to Mac because "boys don't like flowers, they like hot wheel cars" but I like them so much, so we compromised- flower petals. I'm sure he would love sticking them in his mouth at this age!! And I couldn't pass up that cute stuffed animal and since it was on sale Josh let me get it. Maybe for St. Patty's day he'll get a car. :)
Original post by Me
Sunday, January 25, 2009
President Dwight Eisenhower once said, "There is no tragedy in life like the death of a child, things never get back to the way they were."
I still can not decide if they don't get back to the way they were for the worst, or the better. Recently I've come to the conclusion that it's both. On one side of the spectrum, I've learned more from this experience than I have through anything else in my entire life, however, on the other side- I'm always torn up inside.
I've tried so many things to help myself get on in the every day world, to stop the nightmares, to feel better about yet another month without a kid, to stop crying every day, so this month I tried something else...I haven't been to Mac's grave since the beginning of January. Before I hadn't even missed 2 days, and I thought it might help....it didn't.
Original post by Me
I still can not decide if they don't get back to the way they were for the worst, or the better. Recently I've come to the conclusion that it's both. On one side of the spectrum, I've learned more from this experience than I have through anything else in my entire life, however, on the other side- I'm always torn up inside.
I've tried so many things to help myself get on in the every day world, to stop the nightmares, to feel better about yet another month without a kid, to stop crying every day, so this month I tried something else...I haven't been to Mac's grave since the beginning of January. Before I hadn't even missed 2 days, and I thought it might help....it didn't.
Original post by Me
Monday, December 29, 2008
So I've been meaning to post about this since Christmas, however, I really wanted it to be in the ground before I showed pictures of it! We celebrated Christmas Eve with the Hinckley's and I'm going to admit- it was a hard day!! All I could think about was not having a kid to open presents with...it was pretty brutal. But if any of you know any of the Hinckley's they all have a different way of cheering you up. It's amazing. To add on to that, my Family randomly showed up to join in the festivities! yah!!
Well Santa came and I was so glad that Mike and Erin let Bryson sit on my lap. I know that he's not MY kid but it was nice to have A kid to hold while santa came in. I hope they don't mind because I'm sure that is something every Mom wants to do but it meant more than I can even express that they let me do that. When Santa was done with all of the little kids he said that he had one more present and asked Josh to come up. All I heard was, "we are short one this year aren't we", and I was in tears. They remembered Mac as one of the Grandkids! This is what was inside of McKallister's present...
It's a temporary headstone!!!! Josh and I have picked out the one that we wanted but have been having a real struggle because Josh wants something there, but I want to wait for Mac's Birthday to put in the real one so this was perfect! I can not thank Santa enough for the thought that went behind this. I can not even express how selfless the members of Josh's family are- to think of us during the crazy holiday season. I've been sitting here for the last 10 minutes trying to word how I feel but there are not words. I LOVE my FAMILY!!
The day went on and there was yet another surprise. Rachel had made a dvd for Josh, Mac, and I to have for Christmas. It was pictures of the temple with recordings of our family throughout expressing their feelings to us. I can not tell you the spirit that was felt in that room as I listened to every member of my family say a little something. The entire time all I could think was, "Dang Mac, you are one lucky kid to have a family like this. How did we end up with such special people in our life".
On Christmas day I thought the tears were over...haha I had you fooled too huh? :) My Brother Colby, Dad, and Sister Taylor had made a disk of them singing a version of "I am a Child of God", but the words go along with a child that is already in Heaven who is now waiting for His family. I've been trying to figure out how to put it on Mac's blog so that everyone can listen- when it's up I'll let ya know. My big brother had then found talks/quotes of prophets and apostles saying something about those who have already passed away and placed that throughout the song. It was amazing!! My family is very talented when it comes to music and I realized then that is the best way for my Brother to help me. We have never had a sit down about everything that happened but he knew just what I needed. It was perfect.
My cute little mother then put a story in Mac's stocking. (Her and I are a lot in common and are excluded in the music talent so she found another way to make my Christmas great! :)) She had written a story about Mac's first Christmas with his friends Maverick (who is buried next to Mac up at his grave) and Jesus. It was a childrens book and she did fantastic!! My Mom is totally kid geared and I think she had my future kids in mind when writing this. It is for sure one that I will keep around and Love her so much for being able to put her feelings down on paper in that way.
On Christmas day and the day after it snowed like crazy up at Mac's grave and when we had gone up there earlier the snow was up to my knees so we didn't think there was any way we would get to it for a couple of days. Boy were we wrong....
I never realized that you probably didn't know that this marker in the picture below is a little bit larger than the size of a sticky note. A dirty, not readable, sad, sticky note...so out with the OLD
And in with the new!!! Yah!!
Josh, Cali, and Baby Mac
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Mac would be 6 months old today!....My sister-in-law, Erin, made a comment that she could not believe he would be that old already and asked me if it got any easier. I thought I would share my thoughts with everyone on that because I'm sure it varies for everyone that goes through losing a loved one.
I still think about McKallister every day but not any less or more than I did before. He's still always in the back of my mind and every little thing reminds me of him. I still think about what life would be like if he were here but never wish to change what happened. I still have days that I cry so hard that I wonder if I'll ever stop. I still think about that day as if it were yesterday. I still hurt inside and my heart aches. I still miss Mac and Love him more than ever!
I don't think it's any easier than it was 6 months ago, but I've learned more than could ever have been imagined with this situation. I've learned that my Family has not forgotten Mac and that he is counted in the Grandkid, cousin, and nephew count. I've learned that when I am doing what is right I feel comforted and the more I pray about the whys and what ifs, the hurts and fears, the sorrow and loneliness, the more I feel them turn in to trust that this happened for a reason. I have found that when I rely on my Family members and friends and talk to them about my feelings or thoughts- it helps them not build up inside. I think that it will always be hard and always hurt, but I'm hoping that we are able to teach our future kids all that we have learned from Mac and that it will bring us all closer together.
Happy 6 months Birthday my baby Mac!!
I still think about McKallister every day but not any less or more than I did before. He's still always in the back of my mind and every little thing reminds me of him. I still think about what life would be like if he were here but never wish to change what happened. I still have days that I cry so hard that I wonder if I'll ever stop. I still think about that day as if it were yesterday. I still hurt inside and my heart aches. I still miss Mac and Love him more than ever!
I don't think it's any easier than it was 6 months ago, but I've learned more than could ever have been imagined with this situation. I've learned that my Family has not forgotten Mac and that he is counted in the Grandkid, cousin, and nephew count. I've learned that when I am doing what is right I feel comforted and the more I pray about the whys and what ifs, the hurts and fears, the sorrow and loneliness, the more I feel them turn in to trust that this happened for a reason. I have found that when I rely on my Family members and friends and talk to them about my feelings or thoughts- it helps them not build up inside. I think that it will always be hard and always hurt, but I'm hoping that we are able to teach our future kids all that we have learned from Mac and that it will bring us all closer together.
Happy 6 months Birthday my baby Mac!!
Sunday, December 7, 2008
We went up to Mac's grave to take down the Thanksgiving decorations and put some up for Christmas!!
This is my family, Kierra and Colby, Dad and Mom, Alex, Mac and I- Josh is behind the camera.
That night we got the opportunity to attend a candle light vigil in memory of those who have lost children. We will for sure have to let everyone know about it ahead of time next year because it was a really awesome experience (sorry to all of those that I told too late, that was my bad and I promise to keep everyone updated further in the future from now on). My Mom, Grandma and Grandpa Maughan, Josh and I went up to it and I was amazed how many people attended. It was really important to me to see how many people are in the same boat as us and be able to hear the speakers talk about our losses.
I was really excited because we got to hear from Julie Williams. For those of you who don't know her- she's one of the people that I am the most grateful for in my life. She came to the hospital and donated her time and talents to take pictures of our family and McKallister. She did an amazing job and provided me with the most memorable and sacred pictures of my son. I will forever be thankful for her and absolutely adore her!!! She did a great job and it really made my night!
Original post by Me
Sunday, November 30, 2008
So when I was growing up and someone had lost a loved one they would always say that the Holidays are the hardest and I never knew why...this year that sentence has a whole new meaning for me.
I have been so emotional and honestly grouchy about everything and to everyone.
Sunday I was struggling with missing Mac. I went to my grandparents house and was hysterical, crying, and upset.
Tuesday, We went in for tithing settlement and on the page they give you it has all of your information, including kids. I swear it was like capital letters stating NO CHILDREN!!! It hit me so hard and when we got home I called my Dad in tears so upset that they would write that on the tithing settlement pages! I felt like they were rubbing it in that I didn't have kids here on this earth.
Thanksgiving was Mac's 5 month Birthday so of course that was hard for me. I wondered all day what I would be doing with him- would I let him try pumpkin or banana pie? Would he be fussy from not having a nap because of all the family and noise? Would my cousins fight over who got to hold him?
Friday Josh and I went in and picked out a headstone. We have wanted to pay for it now and have that be our Christmas present and then have them set it in June for his first Birthday. When we walked into the main office it was like nothing I could explain. I have never felt so sick in my life.... the only other two times I have been there was a few days after his birth when we were picking out a casket and then on the day of his burial. My stomach felt sick and all of the emotions I felt on that day rushed back to me. I felt anger, sadness, frustration, hurt. I was angry that we were picking out a headstone for my son's Christmas present.
On Saturday I started- ya know? (sorry to all the men that are reading this or those who are private about this matter- me, I'm very open and if I don't tell you- Josh probably will :) ). So right now I am the farthest away from being pregnant as I possibly could be. I have found myself questioning all day what I am doing wrong, why it is not my time to start a family here on this earth, what could I do different to have what I want the most, and how can I be unselfish about it.
Today, we went to one of our friends baby blessings and they asked Josh to be in the circle. All day today I have been on the verge of tears. You know that muscle that you use to hold back from crying? I call it my tear muscle- well it's been getting the biggest work out today! It took everything I had to hold back from falling apart right there in sacrament meeting. I felt jealous, sad, heartbroken, lost, hurt, and upset.
So this Holiday season I find myself....a wreck. However, I have also found myself grateful for those things that got me through each of these new trials.
My Dad for letting me cry and be angry on the phone. For raising my voice and telling him it's not fair. For comforting me and telling me that I accepted this trial and am stronger than he is. For him being the greatest dad ever.
My Family for keeping me entertained and my mind off the sadness of the day and hanging out with me. For blessing Mac and all he's taught us in the family prayer. For allowing me to cry and not ask why. For visiting his grave and being great aunts, uncles, cousins, and family to him. For comforting me.
Josh for holding my hand through "picking out a birthday present". For his laughing and saying that he wished Mac could pick out his own headstone. For taking me to his grave afterwards but being too cold, giggling and running away screaming behind him, "love you Mac". For putting up with me.
Sarah for asking me how it went when I got back to work. For knowing that I have hard days and always giving me the hugs that I need. For telling me that she still thinks about Mac. For being there for me. For being my Friend.
Taylor for letting me talk to her about the girl moments and agreeing with me that it sucks! For not judging me when I express my frustration. For not ever telling me that she knows what I'm going through and still cheering me up.
The Brady's for inviting Josh to stand in the circle. For showing their love and happiness towards their new baby girl. For allowing me to feel the spirit and joy for their new family. For smiling.
All of you that just read this really long post and the support, love, and friendship you have shown Josh and I.
Mac for being dang cute and completely PERFECT.
Original post by Me
I have been so emotional and honestly grouchy about everything and to everyone.
Sunday I was struggling with missing Mac. I went to my grandparents house and was hysterical, crying, and upset.
Tuesday, We went in for tithing settlement and on the page they give you it has all of your information, including kids. I swear it was like capital letters stating NO CHILDREN!!! It hit me so hard and when we got home I called my Dad in tears so upset that they would write that on the tithing settlement pages! I felt like they were rubbing it in that I didn't have kids here on this earth.
Thanksgiving was Mac's 5 month Birthday so of course that was hard for me. I wondered all day what I would be doing with him- would I let him try pumpkin or banana pie? Would he be fussy from not having a nap because of all the family and noise? Would my cousins fight over who got to hold him?
Friday Josh and I went in and picked out a headstone. We have wanted to pay for it now and have that be our Christmas present and then have them set it in June for his first Birthday. When we walked into the main office it was like nothing I could explain. I have never felt so sick in my life.... the only other two times I have been there was a few days after his birth when we were picking out a casket and then on the day of his burial. My stomach felt sick and all of the emotions I felt on that day rushed back to me. I felt anger, sadness, frustration, hurt. I was angry that we were picking out a headstone for my son's Christmas present.
On Saturday I started- ya know? (sorry to all the men that are reading this or those who are private about this matter- me, I'm very open and if I don't tell you- Josh probably will :) ). So right now I am the farthest away from being pregnant as I possibly could be. I have found myself questioning all day what I am doing wrong, why it is not my time to start a family here on this earth, what could I do different to have what I want the most, and how can I be unselfish about it.
Today, we went to one of our friends baby blessings and they asked Josh to be in the circle. All day today I have been on the verge of tears. You know that muscle that you use to hold back from crying? I call it my tear muscle- well it's been getting the biggest work out today! It took everything I had to hold back from falling apart right there in sacrament meeting. I felt jealous, sad, heartbroken, lost, hurt, and upset.
So this Holiday season I find myself....a wreck. However, I have also found myself grateful for those things that got me through each of these new trials.
My Dad for letting me cry and be angry on the phone. For raising my voice and telling him it's not fair. For comforting me and telling me that I accepted this trial and am stronger than he is. For him being the greatest dad ever.
My Family for keeping me entertained and my mind off the sadness of the day and hanging out with me. For blessing Mac and all he's taught us in the family prayer. For allowing me to cry and not ask why. For visiting his grave and being great aunts, uncles, cousins, and family to him. For comforting me.
Josh for holding my hand through "picking out a birthday present". For his laughing and saying that he wished Mac could pick out his own headstone. For taking me to his grave afterwards but being too cold, giggling and running away screaming behind him, "love you Mac". For putting up with me.
Sarah for asking me how it went when I got back to work. For knowing that I have hard days and always giving me the hugs that I need. For telling me that she still thinks about Mac. For being there for me. For being my Friend.
Taylor for letting me talk to her about the girl moments and agreeing with me that it sucks! For not judging me when I express my frustration. For not ever telling me that she knows what I'm going through and still cheering me up.
The Brady's for inviting Josh to stand in the circle. For showing their love and happiness towards their new baby girl. For allowing me to feel the spirit and joy for their new family. For smiling.
All of you that just read this really long post and the support, love, and friendship you have shown Josh and I.
Mac for being dang cute and completely PERFECT.
Original post by Me
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
