Birthdays

Since the loss of Mac and Quincy, I have received 6 phone calls telling me of others who have suffered the loss of a child. Mostly friends or family wanting some insight on how to help...

Now I must say that everyone's situation is different, everyone's feelings are different, because everyone's baby is a special individual. And every one of those sweet spirits are important in this world in their own way. They touch our hearts in the most tender ways. When seeing pictures, holding their adored bodies and meeting their parents it brings back floods of memories.

When called, I mostly give advise for the day of, days to come, funeral and immediate feelings the parents will deal with, as far as I have experienced. But my birthday was this past week so in connection with that, I want to share my thoughts on having someone close to you lose a loved one- especially children.

Both of my boys birthdays are in June, so when that month rolls around I am pretty much considered useless to the human race. Their birthdays are hard for me to deal with, I re-live the worst moments of my life. I replay the looks on my families faces as they each enter the room. Emotions fill my heart and make it hard to breath at times. But what is worse than that are the days leading up to their birthdays. The anxiety I feel about one specific topic is unbearable....

I am terrified that no one will remember.

These two boys left such an enormous impact on my life, they are my kids and there are limited memories that I have of each of them. I feel guilty for expecting others to remember their birthdays, or Quincy's due date but I honestly am horrified of the day that rolls around and no one texts to tell me they are thinking of them, or that I will be alone in my feelings of want for them. I don't want others to feel it as an obligation, I just honestly pray that they will never be forgotten. I cherish them and I think like all Mom's, we want others to adore our kids as well. I'll never be able to post their accomplishments or new haircuts. I'll never be able to have others admire their kindness or success in sports. All I have is their birthdays.

Now some of their birthdays have gone by without a hitch or were planned in advance. On Quincy's first birthday, we were bringing Camden home from the hospital. On Mac's fourth birthday, I was just out of the hospital and my family threw me a surprise party at his grave. On Mac's second birthday, I spent it with both sides of my family at the lake enjoying the sun. But on some birthdays, I know nothing is planned and inner turmoil takes over.

But along with every birthday, I have been blessed with someone who followed the spirit. There is simply no other explanation for it. This year was no different. The day before my AFE anniversary my friend, Stacie, called and left me a message. "I know you probably already have plans but in case you don't, we should go on a hike!" What she doesn't know is that I hadn't answered the phone because I was having a full on break down. She saved me that day.

We hiked Ensign Peak, which was Stacie's idea, so that we could overlook the hospital that saved my life. What I didn't even realize is that it would also show the path the helicopter took to get to my house!

Kim, Stacie, Sarah and the kids seriously took my mind off of the hardships of that day. We laughed while we hiked (ok some of us tried really hard to just control our breathing- ME!), they all sacrificed their day, others went along with something they wickedly hate to do, and one may have injured their face. But for me, it was a memorable anniversary to add to my list with people that I truly LOVE!

 

We may have looked insane, hiking with 9 kids under 5!

 

After we got to the top, Stacie pulls out this tribute and by the end we were all in tears. Every time I read it, I end up in tears. It pretty much speaks for itself....

 

 

I will never be able to thank them all properly for that day, but I hope that they will always know the enormous place in my heart they will remain forever. The day may have been just another day for them, but the emotions I feel about it can not be described in a simple post. They are my friends. Good people through and through.

 

 The following day, Quincy's birthday, my Mom and I went to Liberty Park with the kids to do something fun. Something Quincy probably would have enjoyed.

 

 

 Being with my family is a choice way I will always want to spend the boys birthdays. And we have a tradition on their birthdays to go on a big ferris wheel to sing Happy Birthday to them when we get to the top! And then take a goofy picture.

 

 

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McKallister's birthday rolled around and first thing in the morning was a knock at the door. I am sure flower delivery ladies get all sorts of reactions when they drop off a beautiful bouquet of flowers but I do not think she was prepared for the flow of tears that greeted her!

 

 

Our long time friends Jory and Lace have done this more than once, but every time it hits an emotional nerve. The flowers, to me, are more for Mac then they are for Josh and I and they prove me wrong- someone will always remember Mac! This was just what I needed to jump start my day and somehow these amazingly kind hearted friends knew that. And then the texts, messages, calls flooded in. And I was reminded how lucky I am to have certain people in my life.

 

Mac shares a birthday with an extraordinary friend's little boy, who was born a year after. So on that day I got to hang out with more friends and Oakland got to "celebrate Mac's birthday", Mickey Mouse style.

 

 

Mac's death was personal for Sarah, so I know she never minds but man does it show me how good people are that she allows Oakland and I to be there on her son's birthday and knowing that she doesn't care that Oak believes part of the celebration is for Mac, makes her astonishingly great.

 

I have been blessed beyond words for my family and with the friends that I have- some as close as family. So instead of some very harsh and sad days haunting my future, I will be comforted by these very tremendous people in my life and the memories they created for two very cherished boys.

 

So back to my advise... just be the person that remembers. Send them a text or call them to make sure they aren't alone that day. And not just in this situation, but in all situations. Just be a friend. Be the friend that you want for yourself on hard, lonely, crazy days. Be a friend they will remember for the rest of their life.