Original Post by Erin

Happy Birthday Mac!

It was one year ago today that my little nephew was born. Stillborn. I've never had a very good memory, but I can remember June 27th, 2008 as if it were yesterday. It's a day I will never forget, because it's the day I was blessed to hold an angel!

Mac, for as long as I live, I will never forget the feeling in the room when I held you for the first and last time. It's the closest thing to heaven I've ever felt. You were the purest, most holy little person I have ever held in my arms and I feel so honored to have been able to share those brief moments on earth with you.

I want you to know that during the few moments I held you in my arms, you forever changed me. As I looked at you, I saw the person I want to become. I saw into the eternities and was reminded of what's really important (the gospel & family) and that everything else in life (aka: the "temporary stuff") should never take priority over "eternal stuff."

Most importantly Mac, you brought me closer to my Savior. You helped me learn that hard times, sacrifice, and suffering are important and necessary steps in our journey to becoming more like our Savior and for that I am especially grateful.

Mac I love you! I miss you every time we get together as a family and you are not there. I miss that you and Bryson will never get to play together on this earth. But I know you are where you are suppose to be, fulfilling the special mission God has prepared just for you--a mission on the other side that only you are qualified to fulfill.

Mac, you have touched so many lives on the earth you never even lived to see! Someday your parent's will tell you all about it. You are amazing and have blessed us all!

I love you and can't wait to see you again!

Love,
Your Aunt Erin

My Sweet Husband

Josh asked me how I was doing today and handling my emotions at work and we had a little conversation about it but then Josh says to me, "You're a strong girl, I'm amazed by you." Josh, I love you... how would I ever get through anything without having that little nudge of support from you every day!

Original post by Me

Missing Mac

I really missed Mac today for some reason... In 20 days he would be one years old! I have a one year old- how crazy is that? I've realized that as time has passed, I don't miss him less, and the hurt doesn't go away...I have just learned how to live with it and how to make myself better because of it. I see Josh with other kids and can't even imagine how much I would fall in love with how he plays with our kids. I wonder what Mac would look like, and how big he would be. I wonder if he would drive my little brother crazy because he'd always want to take his toys and chew on them. I wonder how he would get along with his cousins.

I wonder how my life would be different always putting a kid in a car seat, or waking up to take care of him at nights. I wonder what his cry would sound like- or better yet his laugh (would it be like Josh's lol) and I hope more than all of the stuff I wonder about, I hope that everyone knows how much I love him and how much I love the people that care about him.

Original post by Me

Our Big Surprise...

While we were in Hawaii my parents called to let us know that Mac's headstone got set in! You may remember that they originally just put in a little index card sized paper that said his name and the date he was buried. Josh and I had decided that we wanted to wait until Mac's first birthday to put in his real headstone, and so Josh's sister and her husband bought us a temporary headstone that could be there in the mean time. I remember how much that meant to me when they gave it to us for Christmas...I was amazed that they would think of us in such a selfless way and help us enjoy our Christmas without Mac.

When my Mom called to let me know that this new one was in- I couldn't help but break down and cry. It is such a huge milestone in our lives. I never thought I'd be in the situation that I am in, but I was so happy to finally have his official headstone. Happy about a headstone?! I couldn't believe it... but I was happier then than I had been this whole year! Something for Mac to have that is all his own. When we went in to design it they threw around some ideas- gave us our options and then sent us home with a rough draft.

Everything that I would suggest, Josh would acknowledge, let me know it was a good idea but... and then he'd shoot out his idea. We did this back and forth for a while when Josh turned to me and said, "Ya know- I haven't done a lot for Mac and I feel like this is the one thing I can do just for him." After that I did not say another word and Josh designed the entire headstone by himself. It was so touching and I had never thought of it that way... Mac's headstone means more to me now than anything- something just for himself that Josh played the main part in. Mac's Birthday is next month, so his Birthday present came in a little early but it was just the boost I needed.

Original post by Me