The first time I saw this shirt on Tahnie's Instagram account, I literally cried.

It was everything I had been trying to sum up about my life the last 2 years. Even before that actually, the last 6 years. After losing Mac it hit me how quickly you can lose life. Lose the day you think you have tomorrow. That every day you are here, living a life with your family and friends is a miracle. Blood clots proved to me that no one is exempt from medical issues, unexpected illnesses or diseases. Health is a miracle. Life is so precious and can be cut so short. That lesson was engrained in my very soul when I lost Quincy and should have lost my own life. And how do you recover from so much loss? How do you recover from knowing that you should have died?

After the holiday's I always feel like I have to re-find myself. I miss the kids, I question if I am fulfilling this second chance at the life that I have been given, am I doing everything I can with the knowledge and love I've felt from my Heavenly Father?  I once heard that it's easier to keep yourself together then to build yourself back up if you lose it. This is very true for me. I have lost myself many times over the years; sobbed, wondered how I would get through it, wanted to have pity on myself. And those are not only some of the darkest times I can remember but it was incredibly hard to get out of that funk.

But when I remember that every person in my life may not be there the next? I may not be here tomorrow? Those days are valued very high. I know it's a privilege that I can not take advantage of. Today is a miracle. Tomorrow should be considered unexpected. And every day you live should be an amazing event.

http://todayisamiracle.bigcartel.com/

I have lived miracles. Miracles in child birth, in modern medicine. Miracles with adoption and unexplained events in the medical world. And this one phrase, Today is a miracle is what will carry me through 2015. I want to always remember Mac and Quincy, the good that they have taught me. I will always miss them but I want to miss them with a smile on my face because of what I have accomplished since they were introduced in my life. I need to remember that miracles happen, every day. I get discouraged when wondering if adoption will happen again for us but then I think of everything that took place to get Camden here and I know... a miracle.

My kids are miracles. My own life is a miracle. Today is a miracle...

Tahnie's insights below created the shirt that is now my very favorite piece of clothing and my 2015...

God blessed the broken road...

Sunday morning was a dream. I sat at the table, listening to Oakland and Cam giggling at each other while Josh made breakfast...In the background Rascal Flatts was singing "Bless the Broken Road..." I was in awe as I realized how God led me to each of my children through a very broken road, in my eyes. There have been many moments when Josh and I have reflected back on situations dealt to us and realized that without everything that happened, we would not have each of our children. How can I not be grateful for that?

This time of year is always bittersweet for me. Maybe the magic of the season brings me closer to the spirit, which in turn makes me feel closer to my two angel babies? It might be watching the other two enjoy the enchantment of it all that makes me yearn to see those babes I miss so much? I always feel that emptiness and wonder how I can honor them each holiday. I have a longing to show them how much I love them. All that magic and enchantment is always marked by elements of sadness.

But then days like Sunday happen and I realize, I can't do this but I'm doing it anyway. I am legitimately content. There are hard times and moments when I cry huge mommy tears for the losses I have suffered. But my eyes have been opened to the good things in life that I probably would not have paid attention to before. Mac and Quincy would want me to be happy and love life, regardless of their death. My Heavenly Father has blessed my life, every road I have taken, the detours, the rocky roads, directed me which fork to take, and helped me climb every hill.

So I am going to face their absence this season with; smiling when Cam throws ornaments like baseballs, hide that stinkin elf on the shelf, sing Christmas carols at the top of my lungs, eat all the yummy treats that make it into my house, smile as much as humanly possible, spread some Christmas cheer, maybe even build a snowman with the kids (despite my "love" for snow)... And all of you? Give your kids a big hug for me on Christmas, I am really missing mine. And please be safe (if and when it actually snows!!)

Do we thrive off the crazy?

I always heard that the first year of marriage is the hardest.  The honeymoon period starts to fade, you are trying to develop a lifestyle together, and learn the art of negotiation. This may be comparable to the first year after having a baby. You are both exhausted, finances change and your attention shifts from each other to that of a new cuddly baby. Maybe it's the second year when reality has set in or not going as you imagined. Or the fifth?

Josh and I have been married for almost 8 years and it's possible that this year has challenged our relationshp in new ways and may just be our hard year. Weird right?

Year 1: Josh was traveling for baseball and distance made the heart grow fonder. The entire year was bliss.
Year 2: I was pregnant with Mac and could not have been happier, after we had him our relationship grew more than I can explain. We attached to each other and Josh was the reason I got through most of my days. We had lost a baby together and relied on each other to work out those tough feelings. He doted on me every moment, knowing the emotions I was going through and I had his constant attention.
Year 3: I was pregnant with Oakland and after having her, felt like we were in heaven. Knowing what it felt like to not be able to bring a baby home; we cherished the nights we were up with her, every diaper change and were grateful for the time we got to be together as a family. While dealing with blood clots, Josh stepped up to the plate and waited on me hand and foot. There was never a moment where he wasn't asking how I was doing, what he could do for me, reassuring me everything would be alright.
Year 4: We were in heaven with Oakland, the 3 of us bonded above any normal first child circumstance and Josh and I even battled over it being our turn on some of the hard first child moments. We bought our first house, Josh got his first (real) job, and we were on cloud nine living this perfect new baby, new house (we even got a dog), two income life.
Year 5: Josh was called to the bishopric of our ward. It reminded us how lucky we are to have each other around because he was gone more than usual. We prayed a lot together regarding the hard decision to get pregnant again and listening to all the medical and high risks of the pregnancy forced us to talk about some really emotional decisions that pushed us together.
Year 6: I was pregnant with Quincy and Josh turned in to the nicest nurse you could ask for. He gave me daily shots in my stomach (blood thinner) and was more than sympathetic to my every day needs. When we had the scare of miscarrying Quincy early on in the pregnancy he once again was at my side for anything and everything I needed. When I suffered the AFE... he saved my life. Nothing will bring you closer to a person than the moment you almost lose everything you have with them. He had to be my everything and physically take care of my needs. It made me so appreciative for him and because we almost lost each other, we were twitterpated all over again. I was so smitten, that I couldn't look at him without smiling. With Quincy gone too, Josh walked on egg shells around me. Always making sure I was comfortable and happy. Asking how I wanted to handle every situation, afraid of my emotional state.
Year 7: We went through the adoption process with each other and got Camden. It was the most magical thing to experience and made us realize how incredibly much we were meant for each other and how our kids were meant for us.

Now let's talk about this year... There have been no high pressure situations. No tragedies or dramatic action. No high anxiety situations. Nothing crazy taking place. Not much of anything taking place. I feel beyond exceptionally lucky to not have our minds on constant alert... but we are having to learn the art of communication outside of highly intense settings. Now don't get me wrong, Josh and I have an amazing relationship and something I find quite special but we are having to find reasons to dote on each other- and not because the other is sad or confined due to illnesses. We sometimes have to take time to be with each other because work and kids and life have just become busy.

I am realizing that the best years of marriage are the ones where you don’t let said life come in between you. We are learning the art of having a relationship off of the ordinary. We are attaining goals with each other on plain days of life rather than some of the hard days we have seen. Our life is devoid of tension so I'm having to acquire the skill of showing Josh fondness, to compliment him and tell him all the things I love about him. To praise him for the hard work he does so I can stay home with the kids. Whether your moments are currently crazy or uneventful, don't let life get in the way and LOVE that man or women you share it with. Remember all the times they rescued you from a bad day or comforted you when no one else could. Life is definitely all about learning... I'm still taking it one step at a time.

Speaking is kinda awesome!

Sorry it has been so quiet on my blog lately... I have been buuusy! We have had 3 nasty illnesses floating around this joint, we put our house up for sale so I have been cleaning and organizing like crazy, I took on another baby to babysit (so now have 6 throughout the week), visited Cam's birth family, took a trip up to Idaho and then I have spoken at 3 different young women in excellence/ relief society activities. So in my spare time, I am living it up with my littles.

 

I wanted to express the gratitude I feel for being able to share some of my life experiences with youth around Utah and other women through my church. And I can tell you this. It is blessing my life far more than anyone else.

 

 



 

Oakland started noticing me studying, taking notes, watching movies and stories to help with the presentations that I wanted to do. And it shocked me that she wanted to join in... I have always studied while the kids have been asleep because I get the most out of it, but wow! Little kids pay attention. She gets out her Book of Mormon, ask questions about why I am speaking and what I share. It's been a great opportunity for me to share my testimony with her when SHE is asking and curious...

 

 

Then there are the youth... The very first time I spoke outside of my own ward, I was in tears majority of the time. Every time since it has been the same story. And it wasn't due to the message I was sharing- it was the spirit and the LOVE I felt from our Heavenly Father for each one of those special girls. I catch glimpses of their personality and remembering what I struggled with at their age, I know how much stronger they have to be. The love He has for them is never changing, never ending and one of the most powerful feelings I have ever felt.

 

 

My second Young Women in Excellence, it dawned on me that I have the greatest support system in this whole entire world. My Mom, Dad, Sister, Brother in Law and Grandma have come to listen and what touched me the most was to realize that they have felt the hard times with me and let it strengthen their testimonies. They remember the wall of love that surrounded Mac, and the feelings of the thousands of prayers and fasting offered on my behalf while going through my AFE. They know I'll be with my two boys again and they remember their spirits.

 



The more I attended, the more I saw talented, hardworking, humble young women. Some prepared the theme, decorations, desserts, and program themselves. Others went out of their way to make every single girls feel included. Most are earing their Young Womanhood Recognition medallion, multiple are even going for their Honor Bee. But most of all, they are strengthening their testimonies and talents. They are learning skills that will help them be future Moms and Leaders of this church.

I have made some serious friends. I have met athletes, girls on the color guard, cooks, straight A students and others who are quirky and love themselves! And love each other. No matter how different we all are, no matter how different each of our trials and adversities are, the church unifies us! These girls are kind to those who seem different, they have made friends through the Young Women program that they probably wouldn't have through school. They are all so friendly and lovely and I know that they are loved beyond measure by a Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ who want them to succeed.

Talking to everyone after I speak has been something I look forward to. Some share their struggles, others their thoughts on what I say. They tell me about trials that they have made it through and assure me that I will too, miracles they have seen in their lives. I have even had some amazing books recommended to me. It is so humbling to see others cry on my behalf and thank me for saying just the right thing when they don't know the impact they have had on me from a short conversation. There are some amazing women who have had brain tumors, divorced parents, been bullied, lost loved ones, moved around their entire lives... and they are there. They know who they are and who they want to be. The reason I would speak every single night if I could? Meeting all of them...

 

Each one that I have been to, has been packed with decorations, months of preparation, food and the spirit. It has made me want to fulfill my calling in the church 100 times more because I see the dedication these leaders have. I can feel the love coming off of them as they speak to their young women and fellow sisters. I see how each night is directed to those in the room, how our Heavenly Father assists to make that evening help someone keep going. And how prayer and contemplation was present in every single event.

 

Knowing the service that was offered my family over years of trails plays a huge role in who I am today.  I will forever be grateful for those who have filled the gap in my memory when I lost Quincy. I feel a connection in my heart to those who have cried for the loss of my boys, or prayed for the comfort I have felt.

 

I know that each one of us have felt abandoned, heartbroken, alone. But I also KNOW that Jesus Christ understands our sufferings because he experienced them. Christ suffered more than any of us, and he knows the intensity of our afflictions. That is why He understands and can help us. I have learned through everything how to draw on the powers of the atonement, and have felt encompassed by my Heavenly Fathers peace.

 

I desire every day to be more like Christ and let his light shine through me. The experiences that I have gone through in my life so far have refined me and made me want to be a more dedicated daughter. And not because he spared my life but because I have made covenants with him that I want to follow and serve him.

 

Jesus Christ is our savior, our Redeemer. I admire the powerful and overwhelming way he has communicated love to me in my life. I pray every day that I can continue to allow him to direct my life. He knows my sacrifices.

 

Don’t give up on the Lord- his promises and blessings are eternal.

Tomorrow is not promised to anyone, young or old...

My friend, Cassie, recently shared with me a part of the Sunday I'll never remember but can't forget.

 

  "I sat by you in sacrament. Do you remember? It's ok if you don't. It's so insignificant for you that day, but I'll always remember. We kept laughing at Josh for some reason. Maybe cause he was making funny faces at the speakers or something. I remember how healthy and beautiful and happy you looked."

I don't remember any of that, but not because it was insignificant like she mentioned- but because of the medication I was given before transport on the helicopter. Before she told me this, I liked to think that I was kind to those I saw at church that day, said hello to friends I passed in the hall, felt the spirit, participated in the lesson maybe? I know on Saturday I loved the lake with my family, we enjoyed dinner together, we talked we laughed.

My parents used to have a rule that whenever they or one of us were fighting, we were not allowed to get in the car and leave. They always told us that you would never want to have something happen on that note, or let the other person suffer through the last thing they said in a fight if you got in a car accident.

So the most important thing Cassie said was that I looked happy and I laughed with her. If that would have been my last day, then that literally would have been within my last few hours- I'm so glad it was! I'm grateful that while everyone has some regrets or things they wish they would have done differently, I was currently in LOVE with life and my family and my friends. And I'm even more grateful that I have my second chance to try and improve myself and love this life even more every day!

We don't know what is going to happen to us tomorrow. Tomorrow is not promised to anyone, young or old. That is one thing that I can give evidence to! I know how precious life is. So, what if today was the last day you had on this earth? Will people remember you being happy, positive, kind, helping them, smiling, radiant? Or will they remember that you yelled at them, or weren't grateful, or were unkind to a stranger?

Please, for my sake, hug and kiss your loved ones goodbye and then pull them back for another hug and kiss. Spend time with your friends. Laugh at jokes. Prepare yourself to return to God's presence. Hold your hubbies hand. Have a conversation with an old friend. Serve someone. Dote on your kids. Say all your I love you's, sorries, thank you's, forgive me's now!!

And have an incredibly awesome October!

Cam was far more interested in the pumpkins and trying to stay awake than smiling for me!

Everyday angels on earth...

September 3 I met some very important angels on earth, the rest of my set. These 5 people started off the miracle that saved my life. And those two lil babes have kept me going after...

After the story regarding my Amniotic Fluid Embolism was published in the AirRescue Magazine, Amanda and Windi wanted to make sure the 911 dispatchers received a copy because they were such a huge part of it. They decided to meet up with them and then show them the presentation that My Girls have given at the AMTC for the last two years and we were invited!

Last year, I listened to the 911 call Josh made to the dispatchers. I have lost 5 days of memory during that time so this was the first thing that made it real for me. My heart felt like it was going to burst open when I heard Josh pleadingly say my name. It was torn when I heard Oakland crying in the background. I was hurt and confused when I heard myself making a prolonged, low, inarticulate sound that could only be from intense physical suffering. But more than that, I was in awe of how Josh held his composure together. How he thanked the operator multiple times throughout the call. How she kept him calm, distracted but focused, and guided him through CPR.

 

 

Amanda and Windi, (above) and whom I refer to as My Girls most the time, were the ladies that life flighted me to the hospital. They got up and thanked everyone in the room. Sheriffs, officers, 911 operators, my pilot, etc. and pointed out Courtney. As I turned to see who she was, my eyes filled with tears and it felt like my heart was going to jump right out of my mouth. I couldn't focus so turned back around to try and compose myself. Then I turned to see her again, and when she looked at me, all I could do was mouth, "Thank you." How can you properly thank someone for such an impactful moment in your life? All day, everyday, she is painting a picture for those first responders arriving at scenes all over Tooele. She is listening to horrific calls, sometimes not knowing the outcome, and she is doing all this to help others. Or in my case, start the process of saving a life.

 



 

 

 

After the presentation, they played the 911 tape again. Josh and my Mom won't/can't listen to it so took the kids out of the room. And a typical example of my relationship with Windi took place. Her protecting me. Sitting and comforting me while I listened to the call again. This picture captures the way I view our relationship so wonderfully...perhaps I will have it framed. :)

 

Now, what none of us expected was the news and media to be there! Some of these pictures are blurry but I had to add them still because of how crazy that day was. The emotions were running high, we were trying to keep ourselves composed, all while talking about how amazing each other were/are.

As a side note, I really loved this camera man, Winston. He was rad.

Then my family was able to tour where the magic happens, Courtney walked us through an example call. The system they have is amazing. It gives them questions to ask, which moves them to the next question, which prompts them to say or start something else. When trying to determine if my breathing was normal, it gave her the power to enter in each breath I take to the system to help her. I never knew that so much took place in those calls.

 

 

The camera man pictured above (I don't remember his name!) talked to me after for a minute and told me, "I listen to a lot of 911 calls for my job and meet a lot of families, but not all of them have the same effect that today has brought on me. It took a lot for me to keep my emotions in check while listening to your call, Josh and Courtney are amazing."

 

I agree, Josh and Courtney are amazing. Yvonne is amazing. Windi and Amanda are amazing. My Dr's and Nurses are amazing. My family is amazing. My friends are amazing. My life is amazing.

 

KSL story

 

Fox 13 story

And of course, I have to thank my Mom who drove to Tooele to meet these fabulous people, only to keep Camden happy, watch Oakland and take pictures for me. She's kind of like Superwomen.

Pregnancy and child birth is the most common miracle…

Growing up I had this dream of how my life would play out. I would marry the love of my life young, we would immediately start having kids and I’d be a stay at home Mom. We’d live in a big house with a huge porch and a white picket fence. And of course, I would have at least 10 kids by the time I was 30.

Now some of this came true, I was married by age 19 to the man that fits perfectly in my dreams. We got pregnant 7 months after we were hitched, so were well on our way to having our own football team of kids. Obviously we are still not in that huge house, I don’t even have a porch but all of that seems to be an obtainable goal in the future. What no one ever prepares a girl for is this…

You cannot get pregnant.

I did not realize the enormous extent of this statement. I knew people that adopted, I knew couples that “waited” until they were older to have children, and I know some that have never had children. But do you realize how often this is the case?! When I first found out that I would never be able to have kids again, it was a footnote to the rest of what I was living through at the time. As those things have passed, I am more aware of the want I have to become pregnant again. But that is where I am lucky. I can say "again". I know so many that have never been able to experience this thing called pregnancy. And the weight that I carry in my heart is multiplied by 10 for those ladies that I love so much.

I have never experienced a "normal" pregnancy. My first was stillborn. I got blood clots after my second. I survived an AFE with my third, and lost him. And now I am 27 and have had a hysterectomy since the age of 24. I feel like there is so much that I could feel sorry for myself about. But then I remember, I had the privilege of announcing to my family 3 pregnancies and 3 genders. I can describe what it feels like to have a baby kick inside of me. And I can testify to the miracle of growing a child.

And that is just what it is... pregnancy is the most common miracle. You see it every day. Some of us live it multiple times. But of the 7 kids on Josh's side of the family, 3 of us have biological kids, 3 of us have adopted, 4 of us have never been pregnant and 4 have struggled with infertility issues. It gets easy to ask "why" and say "if only" but I want to testify that I know God does not make mistakes and will always be with us.

In every trial and difficult moment that I faced came the real test, my ability to endure. I love the quote by President Thomas S Monson regarding this, "...A fundamental question remains to be answered by each of us: Shall I falter or shall I finish?" I have to ask myself this question almost every single day. And the conclusion that I come to most days? God knows I am tough enough. The separation from my children is temporary, the sealing power has made that possible and is the knowledge that sustains me. And if I remain consistent in being prayerful, full of patience, diligent in keeping the commandments of God at all times, faithful, and have hope and charity- He will bless me. He will rejoice with me. And He will never abandon me.

So for those of you that have biological kids, for those of you who have had the opportunity to get pregnant or still have that- do not take one minute of that for granted. Listen to our Heavenly Father regarding your family and trust what he tells you. And those of us who can not have kids?... same advise. Listen to our Heavenly Father. For those of you suffering a loss, illness, adversity, just hard times, I'll leave you with this...

Dark times and trials are important. Trials show us the beauty of God's comfort. It's through the comfort we receive from God during our difficult times that we learn how to comfort others. Sometimes the process of growing closer to our Heavenly Father comes along the path of heartache and pain.

Allow Him to direct your lives.

 

Why do the hardest days seem to last the longest? And the difficult weeks never end?

The past 2 weeks my emotions have been literally thrown all over the scale...

Panic. Helplessness. I watched a dear friend go through the devastation of losing her baby at 16 weeks gestation. A little boy, named Sky. When I first found out, I could still hear the echoes from the days I lost both of mine. It was overwhelming to want to help her so intensely but know she may want the space. I wanted to hold her and sob but then I needed to show strength. I know that you don't ever recover, you just survive so my heart was breaking for her. I wanted to take it all away. I didn't want her to suffer, or have to feel the want of a baby. There is still so much I want to tell her, mostly about my testimony. Our Heavenly Father knows that we are touch enough. And that little boy is lucky to have her as his Mom because she is exceptional.

Anxious. Then Oakland started preschool. I have to admit that I rely way too much on her 4 year old self. She has pulled me through my hardest days and given me the comforting words I've needed when I have been down. She has allowed me to cry on her shoulder while assuring me that everything would be ok. It is hard for me to let her go for those 7 1/2 hours a week because she is my best little friend and my emotional stability. Can I get through those hours without her?

Sad. Another dear friends, friend lost her 15 month old daughter. I don't know them personally but ache for them. I want to donate all the money in the world to help with medical and funeral costs to help ease the stress, however, know that will not free them from the pain in the hearts. #bubblesforellie

Excited. Grateful. I met the dispatchers that took part in saving my life. Have you ever had someone actually be the reason you are alive today? It is an overpowering feeling. And I had almost every single one in the same room as me this past week. Josh, who was home, called 911 and did CPR. Courtney, who walked Josh through CPR, ensuring the lack of neurological damage I have today. Yvonne, who immediately requested air support, guaranteeing my Girls the time they needed to get me the appropriate medical help. Amanda, who's quick decision to intubate me secured my quick transport to the hospital and again kept my brain in tact. Windi, who used her knowledge to suggest an AFE and then save me emotionally, to this day. This week, I will write a detailed post about that day, but it was beyond anything you could imagine. And very emotional.

Scared. Another friend has been holding her breath the past 15 weeks about her pregnancy. My mind has been going crazy with fear until this past week where she learned that her 1 in 4 chance of losing her baby was leaning towards the happy outcome. She has already lost two little ones that hold a very special place in my heart because of what their Mama has taught me and the friendship we sparked because of them.

Happy. Every moment was worth it because I have people who genuinely care about me and who I would do anything for. I know we will be with our families again. I know that my Heavenly Father loves me and will always be there during my hard times. I know that no matter the emotional roller coaster we are on, our Savior understands and will help us through it. Helen Keller once said, "Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming it." These weeks have proven that to me- there are some strong families and women in our midst.

Tornadoes

I have never seen a tornado in person. I am sure that I don't understand the intensity of those even seen on movies or TV. You can read about them and know that they are nature's most violent storm but there are family, friends, other amazing people who have actually had to live through such a heartbreaking ordeal. They cause fatalities. They devastate neighborhoods in seconds.

Now think of your own devastating tornadoes. The tornadoes of life. It may be divorce, loss of a loved one, sickness, a car accident, losing a job, cancer. It could even be breaking up with a boyfriend, not being able to keep up on the housework, failing a class. There are so many different degrees of tornadoes; F0-F5 and they can have a halting effect on each individual person.

But in life there is not a national weather service to determine where your tornado fits on the scale. Maybe it would be easier if there was a report stating that you are currently going through an F4 tornado. But life isn't that simple. We could both experience that same tornado but I walked away with minimum damage and your home got destroyed. Every single trial, mishap and hardship is like this.

I have met some amazing women and families that have lost children; as a stillborn, after living a few hours or even well into their childhood. And every single one of us deal with it differently. It's torn apart relationships, it has brought others together. I am part of a support group for those that have experienced an AFE in their life. It's shattering. Our storms range from both Mother and child surviving to families losing both to permanent neurological damage to children suffering as a result. Going through the adoption process; I have met many that have had failed adoptions, successful adoptions, or even waited years.

Four enormous things that I have learned through these events and am currently trying to do....

1. We never know what storms someone else is going through.
    The thing about trials, is that not all of them are outwardly noticeable like a tornado cutting through your neighborhood. There have been times when friends of mine have been going through the hardest times of their lives and I did not even know. We all have stories of when we really didn't think we'd make it to the next day and someone dropped off a plate of cookies or sent you a text just because. Now I can attest that life is busy. There are days that my kids don't even make it out of their pajamas. But everyone can do something. I want to be that person that lightens someone's day, even just a little bit. I want to be that person that is kind to everyone, no matter how kind (or not) they are. I want to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. I want to smile at a stranger every single day.

2. Happiness is a choice.
     Now I'll tell you what... it is not an easy choice. There are days that I could stay inside all day. In my bed. But I notice the days that I serve my littles or the people in my life, are days that I'm not all that depressed. As we lose ourselves by serving others, we discover our own happiness. We see the joy that we bring to those who are in need and that joy can't help but bounce back on us. Now there may be some times that it goes unnoticed, anonymous or even the people we intended it for won't be grateful. But just the act of turning away from our own internal battles and turning towards someone else can help us truly feel joy.

     I have a distinctly different point of view than most because I have lost two very precious souls in my life and escaped death. There is not a day that goes by that I can't count my blessings. I've been given the gift to see the world as such a beautiful place. I can't take things for granted because I almost lost it all and I cherish my kids on earth because I have two in Heaven. Now, obviously, I am no where near perfect and I'm not saying the days aren't hard sometimes but I am grateful for the knowledge I have to repent and try again to be kind the next day or influence someone on a positive note. And I can truly say that I am happy.

3. Know your limits but stretch them.
    I still feel like there are times that my body is just not where it should be after my AFE. I'm still recovering physically and emotionally from losing my boys. So I do have to set limits for myself. I know how hard I can push myself every day but I never overdo it. I have learned to say no when necessary and then make up for that 10 fold on the good days. However, I now love to try new things and stretch myself outside of my comfort zone.

    For instance, if you knew me when Josh and I first got married you would probably describe me as quiet, kind but someone who stays in the background. Josh and I taught a marriage and family prep class for our church and I'm pretty sure I said two words the entire time- and that was when Josh was out of town on a baseball trip. I just didn't like putting myself out there, it made me very anxious. I didn't go out of my way to make new friends, or welcome new members. I tried to stay in as much as possible. Now I realize how short life is. How I only survived some days because of my neighbors and friends. One smile would change my entire day. A new face would remind me that there are so many good people in this world where tornadoes happen. Honestly, I stretch myself every day to be a constant happy, welcoming person. And it's making me a better, happier person.

4. Love your body.
  I'm sure you have all heard the saying that you are a tiger and have earned your stripes? AMEN! Love everything about yourself- your scars, layers, structure, feet. I love reading different articles that have come out on this subject. Our bodies are some seriously exquisite things. Mine has grown 3 beautiful kids. Mine fought to keep me alive. Mine manages the pain of blood clots. Mine has scars and extra skin and love handles and veiny legs.

But I am grateful for it because I am here today. Those lovely love handles remind me that I have amazingly gorgeous kids. The scars remind me every day that I survived, I am a warrior. And most of all, my Heavenly Father loves me and trusts me with this body. He wants us to be happy in all our uniqueness. He is proud of what our bodies do and look like. And he loves us, he wants us to love ourselves!

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Everyday there are hundreds, thousands of tornadoes in your life, family and neighborhood alone. Be conscious about those around you, choose to be happy, stretch yourself to be a better person every day and LOVE the way you look and who you are! This world is great. Today is great. You are alive and beautiful!!!

Live all the days of your life...

Tim McGraw sings a song... "Live like you were dying". I'm sure most of you have heard it, I heard it plenty before my accident. But today, it made me cry. Hard enough that I had to turn the radio off in order to drive. The situations in my life have taught me to love life no matter what the circumstances. And not only love life, but actually live all the days of your life. This song is me. I'm not living like I'm dying, but I'm living like I got that second chance. It made me realize all the things in life I wanted. Don't wait!

Be a better friend, a better son, a better worker, a better Mom. Quit your job if you hate it, go back to school if you want to. Be happy with your life and have no regrets. Do the next right thing, help a neighbor, think about someone else every day before you think of yourself. Write thank you or love notes, be spontaneous, kiss, create memories that you would be sad if you didn't have. Turn off your phone while talking to your kids, actually play with them.

My sister will love me for quoting Dumbledore so... he tells Harry, "It is not our abilities that show what we truly are. It is our choices." It doesn't matter what has happened to you, it matters what you do with what has happened to you. Live your life like you got a second chance. Trust me, there is no other way to live...

Original post by Me

Get To

A man by the name of Frank lives by two simple words. These words have been my past month and a half, even though I didn't realize it until I heard them. I know when you experience life changing moments, you live differently for a time. I hope I can always live my life around these two words as it has made me happier than I could realize- even being hospitalized, bed ridden, sore, sad, hurt, and scared.

Get to.

They remind us to be grateful for everything. "Instead of saying, 'I have to go to work today', Frank tells himself, 'I get to go to work'. Instead of saying, 'I have to get groceries,' he gets to. Instead of saying, 'I have to take the kids to baseball practice,' he gets to. It works for everything". I have done this most with small tasks that are harder for me than I think they should be. I get to. And aside from the smaller things- I get to watch Oak grow up. I get to be a mom and all that comes with it, cleaning, cooking, laundry, taking the kids to practice, shopping for them. I get to teach Oakland how to pray, serve, love. I get to have two perfect little boys...I get to adopt.

Every day I'm getting stronger. I don't sleep as much, I get to help Oakland with a few things throughout the day and even have done some laundry by myself. I know they seem so small but to me they are huge steps. Josh and I have "story time" each night because I am so curious about everything. When did people arrive at our house- police chief, paramedics, air med, our Bishop, his wife who took Oakland for us- what was Oakland's reaction, who did he call first after 911, how he made the decisions he did, who spent the most time with him at the hospital, was he scared... The more I learn, the more I realize how close I was to not coming back. A lot of people know more about the situation than I do, I simply don't remember. From being sedated, maybe. Maybe from being protected as most things you would not want to remember. My body went through a lot.

I got a miracle. And I'm not wasting a minute of it.

Original post by Me