I always heard that the first year of marriage is the hardest.  The honeymoon period starts to fade, you are trying to develop a lifestyle together, and learn the art of negotiation. This may be comparable to the first year after having a baby. You are both exhausted, finances change and your attention shifts from each other to that of a new cuddly baby. Maybe it's the second year when reality has set in or not going as you imagined. Or the fifth?

Josh and I have been married for almost 8 years and it's possible that this year has challenged our relationshp in new ways and may just be our hard year. Weird right?

Year 1: Josh was traveling for baseball and distance made the heart grow fonder. The entire year was bliss.
Year 2: I was pregnant with Mac and could not have been happier, after we had him our relationship grew more than I can explain. We attached to each other and Josh was the reason I got through most of my days. We had lost a baby together and relied on each other to work out those tough feelings. He doted on me every moment, knowing the emotions I was going through and I had his constant attention.
Year 3: I was pregnant with Oakland and after having her, felt like we were in heaven. Knowing what it felt like to not be able to bring a baby home; we cherished the nights we were up with her, every diaper change and were grateful for the time we got to be together as a family. While dealing with blood clots, Josh stepped up to the plate and waited on me hand and foot. There was never a moment where he wasn't asking how I was doing, what he could do for me, reassuring me everything would be alright.
Year 4: We were in heaven with Oakland, the 3 of us bonded above any normal first child circumstance and Josh and I even battled over it being our turn on some of the hard first child moments. We bought our first house, Josh got his first (real) job, and we were on cloud nine living this perfect new baby, new house (we even got a dog), two income life.
Year 5: Josh was called to the bishopric of our ward. It reminded us how lucky we are to have each other around because he was gone more than usual. We prayed a lot together regarding the hard decision to get pregnant again and listening to all the medical and high risks of the pregnancy forced us to talk about some really emotional decisions that pushed us together.
Year 6: I was pregnant with Quincy and Josh turned in to the nicest nurse you could ask for. He gave me daily shots in my stomach (blood thinner) and was more than sympathetic to my every day needs. When we had the scare of miscarrying Quincy early on in the pregnancy he once again was at my side for anything and everything I needed. When I suffered the AFE... he saved my life. Nothing will bring you closer to a person than the moment you almost lose everything you have with them. He had to be my everything and physically take care of my needs. It made me so appreciative for him and because we almost lost each other, we were twitterpated all over again. I was so smitten, that I couldn't look at him without smiling. With Quincy gone too, Josh walked on egg shells around me. Always making sure I was comfortable and happy. Asking how I wanted to handle every situation, afraid of my emotional state.
Year 7: We went through the adoption process with each other and got Camden. It was the most magical thing to experience and made us realize how incredibly much we were meant for each other and how our kids were meant for us.

Now let's talk about this year... There have been no high pressure situations. No tragedies or dramatic action. No high anxiety situations. Nothing crazy taking place. Not much of anything taking place. I feel beyond exceptionally lucky to not have our minds on constant alert... but we are having to learn the art of communication outside of highly intense settings. Now don't get me wrong, Josh and I have an amazing relationship and something I find quite special but we are having to find reasons to dote on each other- and not because the other is sad or confined due to illnesses. We sometimes have to take time to be with each other because work and kids and life have just become busy.

I am realizing that the best years of marriage are the ones where you don’t let said life come in between you. We are learning the art of having a relationship off of the ordinary. We are attaining goals with each other on plain days of life rather than some of the hard days we have seen. Our life is devoid of tension so I'm having to acquire the skill of showing Josh fondness, to compliment him and tell him all the things I love about him. To praise him for the hard work he does so I can stay home with the kids. Whether your moments are currently crazy or uneventful, don't let life get in the way and LOVE that man or women you share it with. Remember all the times they rescued you from a bad day or comforted you when no one else could. Life is definitely all about learning... I'm still taking it one step at a time.

The Blank Mind

I have tried to write this post for exactly one week. Most of the time I just sit here. Other times I try to look up words that may describe how I have been feeling... but there aren't words. I may make one up.

Saturday morning I woke up on the other end of the phone. This time the phone call wasn't about me, but I wish it was because no one should ever have to lose a baby. The call I got was about a neighbor I grew up across the street from, Sonja. She was due with her fifth baby on the 9th of this month and last Saturday they were unable to locate the heartbeat of her sweet son Daniel. I went and saw her in the hospital, I visited her later in the week, I attended the funeral. 

I needed her to know that she wasn't alone, I wanted to help. I wanted to hold her kids. I therapeutically shopped for anything that may comfort her. My Mom held me up- literally- as I watched Sonja's heart break and mine all over again. I don't sleep at nights. It's all back. The memories, feelings, hurt in my chest. Not that it ever went away...but it's just back in the front of my heart.

Sonja's family is amazing. Her Sister is battling cancer, her son battled cancer, had his leg amputated and that boy still smiles and runs! Everytime I see him, I fall in love with my life. Her other kids are so sweet. They are kind and they have gone through things no one should have to. Her daughter is weeks younger than Mac and Sonja let me hold her in the hospital when she was born. Something that I will never forget and touched me more than she knew.

She is stronger than me. She spoke at Daniel's funeral, she has already blogged about what happened. This week has been full of emotions. But this I know. Everything that happens to us, good or bad, is a part of us. But it doesn't get to define who we are, we get to decide that.

My Sister-in-law came over the other night for a homework assignment but what she did for me, again, I don't know how to express. She let me talk, about my feelings, about all the repercussions, about Oakland. I'm not good at thanking people in person because I get choked up and stumble over words.

 I remember my parents, Josh and Oakland- at most every visit they came to in the hospital, after the first few days. Other visits are scattered but a memory I have a lot of is of this Sister and Brother-in-law. I don't remember details but I remember them there. My first major outing, they were there helping with Oakland and I. She texts me all the time to check in on me, and always follows up with how I'm doing- always at the right time. She does this with everyone in the family- she's great and I love her.

Josh and I are getting close to having our names published on lds family services site for adoption! So if you know anyone that is expecting, I would love to meet them.

On one last note. I attended my last scheduled doctors appointment on Monday. I have had one at least every week for the last 5 months. I'm off Coumadin, my blood thinner. They'll be running tests to see if I have any other clotting disorders to determine if I have to be on thinner the rest of my life. So... I have to wear a compression sock. :) I have chronic pain in my right leg and headaches because of the lacking blood flow. But I am here, alive, and enjoying every moment with Oakland and Josh. I am deciding how the good and bad will define me.

 

Original post by Me

Photo's by Melanie Isaac Photography

 

Oops! She did it again!!

Cali ended up in the hospital again!!  Thank goodness it was only for 24 hours, but it was still very scary!  She may be smiling in this picture, but she was hurting and VERY scared!

 

Cali was pulling her hair up to go to get her INR levels tested (how thick or thin her blood is) and came in to me and asked, "Is it weird that when I move my arm or breathe in real deep it hurts right here?"  She was rubbing the left side of her neck and when she moved her hand I noticed the swelling.  So, back to the ER!  The cool / interesting / funny thing about this trip was she ended up in the same trauma room with the same ER staff from her first time when she was life flighted.  None of the staff realized it at first, since they were just making sure she was stable and safe, and she looked completely different from the first time.  Once the commotion settled down, someone put 2 and 2 together and then all of a sudden Cali was famous!  They all came in to touch her, talk to her, cry with her, tell her how much they worried about her.  Some just stood at the end of her bed and shook their heads in disbelief that she had survived.  I guess in the ER the staff has to sign a paper saying they won't seek out any of the patients once they leave the ER so the staff had assumed that with as bad as Cali was when she left them, that she had passed away since they couldn't check to find out.  They were all very much in awe to see her not only alive, but looking so good.  One of the docs that worked with Cali in one of the ICU's was in the ER and her nurse asked her if she remembered Cali.  I happened to walk by just then, and when the doc said, "That name sounds familiar...?" I touched her shoulder and said, "Jo Nolast."  She got all excited, so glad she would get to see her again!

I took these pictures when Cali was getting a CT scan. As you can see there are a lot of machines and equipment and from what they tell us they used every bit of it with a whole bunch of people trying to figure out what was wrong with Cali. (We got a little taste of it; while we were there another trauma came in and we were only separated by a curtain.  It obviously wasn't as severe as Cali's was but it was still pretty organized chaos.)

Cali ended up having a few blood clots, the biggest one being behind her collarbone.  Again she was the talk of the ER because she was stumping the doctors.  Two days before this her INR levels were perfect (2.5) and this day they were 1.3; very thick so she was clotting even when they put the IV in her arm.  And her platelets were at 1100 - a far cry from the 400 when she left the hospital a week ago.  Not sure why her levels changed so drastically so quickly, but they are running tests for some different autoimmune diseases to see if she has any of them.  The doctors who didn't know what Cali had been through recently were all ready to send her home because the clot is in a safe place (for a clot) and they knew they could manage it with meds at home.  But the trauma docs once again went up to bat for us and insisted that if they didn't admit her, they would just put her in an ER observation room overnight so all of us - including them - would feel better about things.  So Cali and I spent the night up on the 4th floor.  She was released this afternoon - after a 24 hour stint in the hospital and is very grateful to be home... again!!

 

Original post by Natalie

Yard Sale

I apologize for the delay in posting about the yard sale as I know many have been anxious to hear about it. All I can say is that it was a very humbling event. The yard sale was packed with people all day long who were so generous with their payments and donations. Through the payments and donations received at the yard sale and through the donation funds, we've been able to reach our goal of raising enough money to cover Josh & Cali's medical expenses and we couldn't be more grateful. Many people from Josh & Cali's ward came to help throughout the day and what makes it so amazing is that they weren't even asked. They just showed up because of the love they have for Josh & Cali and because they wanted to do whatever they could to help. The yard sale was only meant to run until noon but because the crowds kept coming and coming, it remained open several hours longer. As a family we want to thank each and every one of you for your very generous donations and support. I know the amount raised for Josh and Cali will mean so much to them and we can't wait to present it to them.

UPDATE ON CALI: Cali was rushed to the ER again today because she was having a hard time swallowing and had a severe pain in her neck. It turned out to be a blood clot under her collar bone. She will be spending another night in the hospital and should be able to return home tomorrow. We ask for your continued prayers for Cali's physical recovery as well as Josh & Cali's emotional/mental recovery. This experience has really taken a toll on each of them, as you can imagine, and I know your continued prayers will help so much. To continue to follow Cali's recovery, you can visit Cali's mom's blog here: http://www.mikenatalieandalex.blogspot.com/

124 days down....156 to go...

Tomorrow I will be officially 18 weeks pregnant and 2 weeks blood free! I started my blood thinner this past week and so far things are going really well… besides the fact that I’m a complete nut case and check the baby’s heart beat at least 4 times a day (and I will not disclose how many times I normally do). :) Sorry I waited so long to update- I have turned in to a pessimist so kept thinking the “no blood” was “the calm before the storm”. No honestly, I’ve had some great support from Josh who has tried to keep me busy and have just been trying to relax and not stress myself out. Josh and I decided that I needed to cut back on my full time job so I resigned as the call center manager and am going to only be working 2 days a week once I can get someone trained for my position.

 

I have my 18 week appointment on Friday that I’m hoping to learn more about the pool of blood they found in the last ultra sound and will actually also meet with my maternal fetal medicine doctor to ensure things in that realm are going well. We found out 3 weeks ago the gender of our baby, but since I was only 15 weeks I’ll wait until Friday to ensure nothing grew or fell off… any guesses? :)

I keep wondering/wanting to know when I’ll understand what I need to learn from these trials right this second. I have learned that most women have scary moments, trouble, or anxiety during pregnancy. Not a lot just go 100% smooth. I’m also still very grateful that I can have kids but am more grateful to those in my life that are unable to, but still seem to be my biggest support- sometimes without knowing it. But besides those, here is a list of things that have changed my family and I during all of this.

1.    Oakland will be a Doctor as she knows more about giving/comforting during a shot than any nurse I've met and checks her sibling’s heartbeat more than I do!

2.   Family means more than the world to me. I found myself willing to give up my health, strength, comfort, anything to protect this little one.

3.   I need to focus more on my family that I have here. I terrified Oakland, and she aged 20 years just to help me, comfort me, and make sure I was happy daily.

4.    I have some exceptional friends and family members.

5.    And “… dark times and trials are important. Trials show us the beauty of God’s comfort. It’s through the comfort we receive from God during our difficult times that we learn how to comfort others. Sometimes the process of growing closer to our Heavenly Father comes along the path of heartache and pain.”

                        And last... I have the most extraordinary little family and wouldn't change a single one of them.

 

Original post by Me

Update? After two years it may be called something else?

Well it has been almost 2 whole years that I have posted anything! Why? Because life is crazy, I have a two year old, work full time and honestly almost always just sit here and cry when I start to blog. I don't really know why? It reminds me a lot of Mac is the only conclusion I can think of. I am blogging today because... I need to. I haven't written in a journal and this is the easiest way for me to document all that is going on. And this week a lot is going on.

I am pregnant! 15 weeks and 1 day to be exact. With Oakland and this pregnancy it always started out with fear. I get anxious, I'm nervous, and my portable heart beat monitor is my best friend. I know it's not likely that something similar to my experience with Mac will happen but I still have so many feelings that re-surface or magnify when I'm pregnant.

With this pregnancy, I've had to add on the concern of getting a blood clot. Josh and I had to plan this pregnancy because that meant going off of my current blood thinner, coumadin. I've been taking a shot known as Lovenox since September in preparation to have a baby and in January, found out I was pregnant! My OB dr. is quite the amazing guy (to say the least). He got me in early, scheduled me to meet with a fetal maternal medicine doctor and they got me prepared on a perfect does of Lovenox to prevent clots but also to not cause damage to the baby.

Taking the shots twice daily has been hard for me. I'm terrified of needles, the thought of inflicting pain twice a day is just not something I love. I sometimes feel like it's taking over my life too, I am bound to taking this or something will go wrong. However, I have learned a lot from my OB and fetal medicine Dr. about why I clot, more tests they have run and I get lucky to have a few more ultra sounds to ensure everything is still cooking right so it's had it's benefits... in a weird way. :)

I've been terribly sick this pregnancy. Had two liquid IV's to hydrate me again, been on Zofran for the past 2 months and relied a lot on my two year old. Sad, but she's actually quite the helper and super understanding. Since my first appointment until now I have lost a total of 4 pounds, but the baby is growing good, so that's not an issue (and better than the weight I gained with Mac :) )

On Monday morning I woke up with some slight bleeding (sorry this may be rated PG-13). It was only in the morning so I thought I would monitor it to see if it continued througout the day and it didn't. I was able to find the babies heart beat so I assumed it was just one of those off times. Tuesday morning at 2:00 a.m. I woke up with a lot of blood and immediately called the Dr on call to see what I should do (go off lovenox- would that even help?!) He told me to call first thing in the morning and set up an ultrasound.

That morning felt like a million years. All Josh and I could do was look up details on miscarriage and what to expect. Oakland woke up about 3 and climbed in to bed with us and could not understand why we were awake (and offered us some comic relief with her early morning grouchy comments). She kept asking what was wrong, why I was crying, and why the lights were on cause it was making her not sleep. We finally turned the lights off and when we thought she was asleep Josh told me that he would take her downstairs to watch Mickey Mouse if something happened, and she replied, "Dad I don't want to watch Mickey Mouse, I'm so tired, I just want to sleep". :) We all did, but I couldn't. So I laid there until 9:00 when the Dr. office opened.

We went in to meet with the Dr. (still was bleeding) and was actually scheduled to meet with another Dr. in the office because my regular Dr. was booked but he saw us and immediately told the nurse he would take us from here on out. We did an ultra sound and everything looked ok, baby's heart beat was strong, there wasn't any blood pooling... so he guessed it was just regular pregnancy bleeding but since I was on Lovenox it may seem stronger and last longer but to watch it and if it didn't slow down to come in on Thursday.

It didn't slow down... Wednesday I felt like it was the second day of my period. It was new fresh blood and lots of it. I continued to find the baby's heart beat throughout the day and at 4:30 my Dr. called me from his cell phone.

We decided it was time for another ultrasound and he scheduled me an appointment for 8:30 in the morning. I continued to bleed and check the heartbeat the rest of the night and this morning we went in again.

We did an ultra sound and this time were able to locate a pool of blood in the Uterus, just next to the water sac but not with the baby. That is definitely where the bleeding is coming from but still no sign of why I'm bleeding. The Dr. can see it's not coming from the baby but from me. It's still a concern though if the bleeding spreads or worsens. It was decided to take me off lovenox until the bleeding stops, in hopes that my blood will clot just enough to stop the bleeding and heal whatever the cause of the bleeding is from and risk the chance of a clot. I can't go on bedrest because I chance clotting now that I'm off blood thinner, so I'm on limited activity. Nothing strenuous activity, no lifting, no bumpy rides, or sitting in one place for a long time and lots of small calm walks to keep my blood a movin.

It's a waiting game. Right now there is over a 40% chance I will have a miscarriage, I'm still bleeding, I'm trying to not dwell on the worst but have to prepare myself for it. I want to hope for the best but am terrified to get my hopes up. I've re-lived my experience with Mac at least 1 million times. I'm trying so hard to not let Oakland see my emotions because she's having a hard time understanding it all. She tells everyone that I was very scared and am kind of sad. She asks me all the time if I'm ok, if I'm happy, if I'm healthy... this morning she told me she wants to hold the baby really bad. Me too Oak, let's pray for that 60%...

Original post by Me

Mommy Josh

I know the title of this post is a little interesting so let me explain... Josh has been the main care giver to Oakland for the last 4 weeks! And has done an amazing job!! The week after I had Oakland, I started noticing a pain in my leg that I just chalked up to sore muscles from walking around the mall with Josh the day before. I let it go until my right leg was three times bigger than my left and black and blue! I went in to the ER and was admitted with a blood clot that ranged from my abdomen to just above my knee.

I was in the hospital for a just under a week... As you can imagine, this was SO insanely hard. I just had a new baby that I wanted to be with more than anything in the world and couldn't. I was trying to pump my milk so that I could continue nursing when I got out. I was worried about Josh having to take care of this week old baby. I was worried about myself and in a ton of pain. Oak could only come visit for short periods of time because we didn't want her to get sick from all the germs that were in the hospital and I had a hard time holding her because of all of my IV's and the pain in my stomach.

After a week I came home but was on strict bedrest so Josh was still in charge of Oakland. A week later I made Josh take me back to the ER because the pain was getting worse and I felt like there was something wrong...sure enough the blood clot was not breaking up and had now extended from my abdomen to just above my knee, to my abdomen all the way down to my ankle. Our only option was to be admitted to the hospital again with no idea of how long I would be there this time.

I was having a really hard time staying positive and know a portion of that was being cooped up in a hospital and bed for the last couple of weeks. The only thing that kept me going was knowing how lucky I was to have a healthy baby girl waiting at home for me....

So after being in the hospital twice and on bed rest until about 4 days ago, I am finally starting to walk around!! I still have a hard time staying up for long periods of time and have to elevate my leg as much as possible after being up and moving but I am finally starting to be able to take care of myself and Oakland.

I always knew that I had a good man after Mac passed away and after all the help he gave me emotionally for that, but Josh just gets better and better every day. He took 100% care of Oakland for 4 solid weeks and put up with me bossing him around since I couldn't do anything for myself. He cleaned the house and kept up on the laundry and did his finals for school! I will never understand how I got so lucky to have him as a husband.

I also have to publicly thank my family and friends. From visiting me in the hospital and at home in order to keep my spirits up to helping take care of Oakland. From feeding Josh and I dinner to letting me invade their living room so that I could sleep comfortably and get some sunshine. For checking up on me and letting Josh hang out with them to get away from us nagging girls. :)

Life sure does throw a lot of curve balls at you and I haven't been ready for any of them!! I can tell you this though...I have learned something very valuable from every single hard situation that has come up but am ready to have a break for at least a little while and just hang out with my little 6 week old baby girl who is not so little anymore!!!

Now that I am back on track with life I will post some pictures of Oakland soon and updates on what her and Josh have been up to the last little while.

Original post by Me