The first time I saw this shirt on Tahnie's Instagram account, I literally cried.

It was everything I had been trying to sum up about my life the last 2 years. Even before that actually, the last 6 years. After losing Mac it hit me how quickly you can lose life. Lose the day you think you have tomorrow. That every day you are here, living a life with your family and friends is a miracle. Blood clots proved to me that no one is exempt from medical issues, unexpected illnesses or diseases. Health is a miracle. Life is so precious and can be cut so short. That lesson was engrained in my very soul when I lost Quincy and should have lost my own life. And how do you recover from so much loss? How do you recover from knowing that you should have died?

After the holiday's I always feel like I have to re-find myself. I miss the kids, I question if I am fulfilling this second chance at the life that I have been given, am I doing everything I can with the knowledge and love I've felt from my Heavenly Father?  I once heard that it's easier to keep yourself together then to build yourself back up if you lose it. This is very true for me. I have lost myself many times over the years; sobbed, wondered how I would get through it, wanted to have pity on myself. And those are not only some of the darkest times I can remember but it was incredibly hard to get out of that funk.

But when I remember that every person in my life may not be there the next? I may not be here tomorrow? Those days are valued very high. I know it's a privilege that I can not take advantage of. Today is a miracle. Tomorrow should be considered unexpected. And every day you live should be an amazing event.

http://todayisamiracle.bigcartel.com/

I have lived miracles. Miracles in child birth, in modern medicine. Miracles with adoption and unexplained events in the medical world. And this one phrase, Today is a miracle is what will carry me through 2015. I want to always remember Mac and Quincy, the good that they have taught me. I will always miss them but I want to miss them with a smile on my face because of what I have accomplished since they were introduced in my life. I need to remember that miracles happen, every day. I get discouraged when wondering if adoption will happen again for us but then I think of everything that took place to get Camden here and I know... a miracle.

My kids are miracles. My own life is a miracle. Today is a miracle...

Tahnie's insights below created the shirt that is now my very favorite piece of clothing and my 2015...

God blessed the broken road...

Sunday morning was a dream. I sat at the table, listening to Oakland and Cam giggling at each other while Josh made breakfast...In the background Rascal Flatts was singing "Bless the Broken Road..." I was in awe as I realized how God led me to each of my children through a very broken road, in my eyes. There have been many moments when Josh and I have reflected back on situations dealt to us and realized that without everything that happened, we would not have each of our children. How can I not be grateful for that?

This time of year is always bittersweet for me. Maybe the magic of the season brings me closer to the spirit, which in turn makes me feel closer to my two angel babies? It might be watching the other two enjoy the enchantment of it all that makes me yearn to see those babes I miss so much? I always feel that emptiness and wonder how I can honor them each holiday. I have a longing to show them how much I love them. All that magic and enchantment is always marked by elements of sadness.

But then days like Sunday happen and I realize, I can't do this but I'm doing it anyway. I am legitimately content. There are hard times and moments when I cry huge mommy tears for the losses I have suffered. But my eyes have been opened to the good things in life that I probably would not have paid attention to before. Mac and Quincy would want me to be happy and love life, regardless of their death. My Heavenly Father has blessed my life, every road I have taken, the detours, the rocky roads, directed me which fork to take, and helped me climb every hill.

So I am going to face their absence this season with; smiling when Cam throws ornaments like baseballs, hide that stinkin elf on the shelf, sing Christmas carols at the top of my lungs, eat all the yummy treats that make it into my house, smile as much as humanly possible, spread some Christmas cheer, maybe even build a snowman with the kids (despite my "love" for snow)... And all of you? Give your kids a big hug for me on Christmas, I am really missing mine. And please be safe (if and when it actually snows!!)

Do we thrive off the crazy?

I always heard that the first year of marriage is the hardest.  The honeymoon period starts to fade, you are trying to develop a lifestyle together, and learn the art of negotiation. This may be comparable to the first year after having a baby. You are both exhausted, finances change and your attention shifts from each other to that of a new cuddly baby. Maybe it's the second year when reality has set in or not going as you imagined. Or the fifth?

Josh and I have been married for almost 8 years and it's possible that this year has challenged our relationshp in new ways and may just be our hard year. Weird right?

Year 1: Josh was traveling for baseball and distance made the heart grow fonder. The entire year was bliss.
Year 2: I was pregnant with Mac and could not have been happier, after we had him our relationship grew more than I can explain. We attached to each other and Josh was the reason I got through most of my days. We had lost a baby together and relied on each other to work out those tough feelings. He doted on me every moment, knowing the emotions I was going through and I had his constant attention.
Year 3: I was pregnant with Oakland and after having her, felt like we were in heaven. Knowing what it felt like to not be able to bring a baby home; we cherished the nights we were up with her, every diaper change and were grateful for the time we got to be together as a family. While dealing with blood clots, Josh stepped up to the plate and waited on me hand and foot. There was never a moment where he wasn't asking how I was doing, what he could do for me, reassuring me everything would be alright.
Year 4: We were in heaven with Oakland, the 3 of us bonded above any normal first child circumstance and Josh and I even battled over it being our turn on some of the hard first child moments. We bought our first house, Josh got his first (real) job, and we were on cloud nine living this perfect new baby, new house (we even got a dog), two income life.
Year 5: Josh was called to the bishopric of our ward. It reminded us how lucky we are to have each other around because he was gone more than usual. We prayed a lot together regarding the hard decision to get pregnant again and listening to all the medical and high risks of the pregnancy forced us to talk about some really emotional decisions that pushed us together.
Year 6: I was pregnant with Quincy and Josh turned in to the nicest nurse you could ask for. He gave me daily shots in my stomach (blood thinner) and was more than sympathetic to my every day needs. When we had the scare of miscarrying Quincy early on in the pregnancy he once again was at my side for anything and everything I needed. When I suffered the AFE... he saved my life. Nothing will bring you closer to a person than the moment you almost lose everything you have with them. He had to be my everything and physically take care of my needs. It made me so appreciative for him and because we almost lost each other, we were twitterpated all over again. I was so smitten, that I couldn't look at him without smiling. With Quincy gone too, Josh walked on egg shells around me. Always making sure I was comfortable and happy. Asking how I wanted to handle every situation, afraid of my emotional state.
Year 7: We went through the adoption process with each other and got Camden. It was the most magical thing to experience and made us realize how incredibly much we were meant for each other and how our kids were meant for us.

Now let's talk about this year... There have been no high pressure situations. No tragedies or dramatic action. No high anxiety situations. Nothing crazy taking place. Not much of anything taking place. I feel beyond exceptionally lucky to not have our minds on constant alert... but we are having to learn the art of communication outside of highly intense settings. Now don't get me wrong, Josh and I have an amazing relationship and something I find quite special but we are having to find reasons to dote on each other- and not because the other is sad or confined due to illnesses. We sometimes have to take time to be with each other because work and kids and life have just become busy.

I am realizing that the best years of marriage are the ones where you don’t let said life come in between you. We are learning the art of having a relationship off of the ordinary. We are attaining goals with each other on plain days of life rather than some of the hard days we have seen. Our life is devoid of tension so I'm having to acquire the skill of showing Josh fondness, to compliment him and tell him all the things I love about him. To praise him for the hard work he does so I can stay home with the kids. Whether your moments are currently crazy or uneventful, don't let life get in the way and LOVE that man or women you share it with. Remember all the times they rescued you from a bad day or comforted you when no one else could. Life is definitely all about learning... I'm still taking it one step at a time.

Pregnant and Infant Loss Awareness

October is one of the months that plays with my emotions. There are some days and some times that I just really miss those two boys of mine. October 11, 2012 was the date my Dr. was going to induce me with Quincy. October 15 is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day and the entire month is set up to remember those who have lost babies and children way too soon. Days and months like this, I hurt for those Mom's that have been through similar situations and wonder how they are holding up. And I always think, "what would Mac and Quincy look like" "what would they be doing now"....

This year my prayers were answered in a round about way with Quincy. I am LDS and so I hold a calling in my ward, Nursery Leader. About midway through the year, the Primary Presidency moved some of the younger Nursery kids up to my class (we have 3 nurseries because there are so many kids ages 18 months to 3 years!). One holds a really special place in my heart because her Mom and I were pregnant at the same time, due the same month. Little Miss Saylor always comes and sits on my lap first thing. She hugs me throughout the class and always seems to know just what I need from a little friend Quincy's age. She'll hold my hand and tell me funny things that makes her nose crinkle. I am lucky to be able to watch her grow up and have a small taste of what Quincy would be doing... There are two other boys that also celebrate their birthdays in October and I watch them every Sunday in wonder! Saylor likes the books and bubbles, Rafe likes cars and ring-around-the-rosie, Noah loves to run and get his hands on any toy! Would Quincy wrestle with the boys? Would he want to sit on my lap the whole time? Would he share his snacks with the other kids? Would he be naughty? :) I am grateful for a Bishopric who didn't know this need of mine, but followed the spirit and I was placed in this calling at the perfect time!

Happy 2nd Birthday Saylor, Noah, Rafe and Quincy!!

On Quincy's due date, the 11th, I just made sure we were hanging out as a family. We went shopping in the mall (which is really fun with Oakland but not so fun with Josh and Camden. Haha) then went to Texas Road House with my parents and Brother for dinner. Spending time with loved ones on those hard days is the only thing that gets me through them. I am always tempted to stay home and watch tv all day but once I get out and moving, the days always turn out to be the best!

On October 15th, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day, I was having a really emotional day. I was aching for women I had met who had lost children, three just this year. I was realizing the holidays were coming and I wouldn't have Mac and Quincy there. I was kind of putting myself in a rut of pity. And then two of my best friends saved me from some simple texts that meant the world to me and reminded me that I wasn't alone...

Stacie

I have been blessed with who the Lord placed in my life in every situation I have gone through. Friends and family members who have played significant roles in getting me through the hard times with a smile on my face. I love that about our Heavenly Father. He gives us trials and hardships to overcome but he also gives us resources to help push us through. Man, am I grateful to know the separation from my boys is temporary and the fact that I am able to hug and love on Oakland and Camden every single day. To cap off a hard couple of weeks, I had a girls night out with some of the most caring, hilarious, talented, compassionate, thoughtful, crazy ladies you will ever lay eyes on!!

 

Missed those of you who couldn't make it, let's do this again soon!!!

 



 

This little light of mine...

....I've gotta let her shine.

Oakland wasn't born yet when we had Mac, she was 2 1/2 when we had Quincy, and 3 1/2 when we got Camden. For a long time she was really confused about pregnancies, babies, adoption, why some got to stay and others didn't. I remember having multiple conversations where we would cry together. She would ask every pregnant women if their baby was going to heaven with Mac. Then she would randomly tell strangers that two of her brothers were dead, most of whom would look at me with big questioning eyes. She had conversations with women, asking if they were going to give us their baby. I'm sure people wondered what I was teaching her. I wondered if it was the right thing to be teaching her about.

But then I realized something... Mac plays a huge role in our family so we talk about him a lot, we visit Mac's park, we know other families who have lost babies. She was present when I had my AFE, she watched Josh perform CPR on me, she understood that Quincy passed away like Mac. She suffered the failed adoption with us, she thought she had a sister, she held her and loved her. Then Oak witnessed the miracle of adoption. She sees my scars and knows that "Mom's tummy is broken", she wonders when we will "get" another baby. I blame myself that she had to grow up way too fast.

And then that realization makes me realize something else... She has portions of the gospel of Jesus Christ rooted in her. Her relationship with our Heavenly Father at this age is amazing. She believes she will be with her Brothers again and asks me all the time when Jesus will come again so she can be with them. She has learned a lot about agency and that everyone gets to make choices of their own and sometimes it effects others. She got to enter in the temple with us when we were sealed to Camden and I love that she got to feel such a strong confirming spirit at her age. She is learning to stay strong and positive in the face of trials. Her ability to know when I am having a hard day is inspiring but even more so is her constant want to serve those who are suffering. She listened to all four sessions of Conference this weekend because she wanted to know what the Prophet needed her to do so that she can see her Brothers and be with us forever.

The other night she said the prayer for our family and the first words out of her mouth were, "Please bless Mom to always be healthy and not miss Mac and Quincy so much".  Later she told me how much she missed them. We went to a pumpkin patch and she said that she wished more than anything that Mac could be there with her. And it dawned on me, she has learned to pray for others. While she misses them and wants to have them here, she also knows that I do and asked our Heavenly Father to bless ME!

 

I talk about her spunk and confidence often, she is loud and playful, she helps around the house, but more than that...she SHINES! This girl is going to accomplish amazing things in her life and I hope she touches many as she does so...she already has inspired me.

Birthdays

Since the loss of Mac and Quincy, I have received 6 phone calls telling me of others who have suffered the loss of a child. Mostly friends or family wanting some insight on how to help...

Now I must say that everyone's situation is different, everyone's feelings are different, because everyone's baby is a special individual. And every one of those sweet spirits are important in this world in their own way. They touch our hearts in the most tender ways. When seeing pictures, holding their adored bodies and meeting their parents it brings back floods of memories.

When called, I mostly give advise for the day of, days to come, funeral and immediate feelings the parents will deal with, as far as I have experienced. But my birthday was this past week so in connection with that, I want to share my thoughts on having someone close to you lose a loved one- especially children.

Both of my boys birthdays are in June, so when that month rolls around I am pretty much considered useless to the human race. Their birthdays are hard for me to deal with, I re-live the worst moments of my life. I replay the looks on my families faces as they each enter the room. Emotions fill my heart and make it hard to breath at times. But what is worse than that are the days leading up to their birthdays. The anxiety I feel about one specific topic is unbearable....

I am terrified that no one will remember.

These two boys left such an enormous impact on my life, they are my kids and there are limited memories that I have of each of them. I feel guilty for expecting others to remember their birthdays, or Quincy's due date but I honestly am horrified of the day that rolls around and no one texts to tell me they are thinking of them, or that I will be alone in my feelings of want for them. I don't want others to feel it as an obligation, I just honestly pray that they will never be forgotten. I cherish them and I think like all Mom's, we want others to adore our kids as well. I'll never be able to post their accomplishments or new haircuts. I'll never be able to have others admire their kindness or success in sports. All I have is their birthdays.

Now some of their birthdays have gone by without a hitch or were planned in advance. On Quincy's first birthday, we were bringing Camden home from the hospital. On Mac's fourth birthday, I was just out of the hospital and my family threw me a surprise party at his grave. On Mac's second birthday, I spent it with both sides of my family at the lake enjoying the sun. But on some birthdays, I know nothing is planned and inner turmoil takes over.

But along with every birthday, I have been blessed with someone who followed the spirit. There is simply no other explanation for it. This year was no different. The day before my AFE anniversary my friend, Stacie, called and left me a message. "I know you probably already have plans but in case you don't, we should go on a hike!" What she doesn't know is that I hadn't answered the phone because I was having a full on break down. She saved me that day.

We hiked Ensign Peak, which was Stacie's idea, so that we could overlook the hospital that saved my life. What I didn't even realize is that it would also show the path the helicopter took to get to my house!

Kim, Stacie, Sarah and the kids seriously took my mind off of the hardships of that day. We laughed while we hiked (ok some of us tried really hard to just control our breathing- ME!), they all sacrificed their day, others went along with something they wickedly hate to do, and one may have injured their face. But for me, it was a memorable anniversary to add to my list with people that I truly LOVE!

 

We may have looked insane, hiking with 9 kids under 5!

 

After we got to the top, Stacie pulls out this tribute and by the end we were all in tears. Every time I read it, I end up in tears. It pretty much speaks for itself....

 

 

I will never be able to thank them all properly for that day, but I hope that they will always know the enormous place in my heart they will remain forever. The day may have been just another day for them, but the emotions I feel about it can not be described in a simple post. They are my friends. Good people through and through.

 

 The following day, Quincy's birthday, my Mom and I went to Liberty Park with the kids to do something fun. Something Quincy probably would have enjoyed.

 

 

 Being with my family is a choice way I will always want to spend the boys birthdays. And we have a tradition on their birthdays to go on a big ferris wheel to sing Happy Birthday to them when we get to the top! And then take a goofy picture.

 

 

.........................................................................................

 

McKallister's birthday rolled around and first thing in the morning was a knock at the door. I am sure flower delivery ladies get all sorts of reactions when they drop off a beautiful bouquet of flowers but I do not think she was prepared for the flow of tears that greeted her!

 

 

Our long time friends Jory and Lace have done this more than once, but every time it hits an emotional nerve. The flowers, to me, are more for Mac then they are for Josh and I and they prove me wrong- someone will always remember Mac! This was just what I needed to jump start my day and somehow these amazingly kind hearted friends knew that. And then the texts, messages, calls flooded in. And I was reminded how lucky I am to have certain people in my life.

 

Mac shares a birthday with an extraordinary friend's little boy, who was born a year after. So on that day I got to hang out with more friends and Oakland got to "celebrate Mac's birthday", Mickey Mouse style.

 

 

Mac's death was personal for Sarah, so I know she never minds but man does it show me how good people are that she allows Oakland and I to be there on her son's birthday and knowing that she doesn't care that Oak believes part of the celebration is for Mac, makes her astonishingly great.

 

I have been blessed beyond words for my family and with the friends that I have- some as close as family. So instead of some very harsh and sad days haunting my future, I will be comforted by these very tremendous people in my life and the memories they created for two very cherished boys.

 

So back to my advise... just be the person that remembers. Send them a text or call them to make sure they aren't alone that day. And not just in this situation, but in all situations. Just be a friend. Be the friend that you want for yourself on hard, lonely, crazy days. Be a friend they will remember for the rest of their life.

We can't direct the wind, but we can adjust the sails...

“We can’t direct the wind, but we can adjust the sails. For maximum happiness, peace, and contentment, may we choose a positive attitude.” Thomas S. Monson

In one day I was able to cross off more than a dozen items that no one adds to their bucket list (Ok maybe riding in a helicopter is on some, but not under those circumstances) and very few can say they experience by age 24. Still unconscious, still waiting for a surgery that no one wanted to hear the doctors say...

That morning they took some members of my family back to explain just what an Amniotic Fluid Embolism is. In short terms? The amniotic fluid somehow gets in to the blood stream. Once it reaches the heart, you go in to cardiac arrest. Most of us go into a coma immediately and some research shows that up to 90% don't make it through this first phase. Most that do survive will have neurological damage but also start to hemorrhage, or excessively bleed due to a condition called DIC (disseminated intravascular coagulation). DIC causes blood to leak from the body because it can no longer clot. This was the stage I was in and the solution would be to take Quincy, this baby that I loved so much. There was no way he could survive this pregnancy but I still had a chance.

The morning of the 11th. Day two in the hospital before any surgeries.

My Mom talks about how hard it was for Josh to struggle through this decision. How he knew what he had to do but the pain was evident in his eyes. This boy... He has played a very significant role in my life since the day I met him. Many people ask if I have ever felt angry at him or resentful, but there is so much love towards him that there isn't any room for anything else. He made the hardest decision a parent could on his own because they were afraid to wake me up- afraid of how I would respond and what it would do to my health. But he made them, he couldn't do this without at least telling me.

My Mom said, "I'll never forget how Cali looked at Josh;  with such love and devotion, and you could tell he was her strength.  I was just off to the side holding her hand being the third wheel until she signed, "Baby."  Then Josh looked at me with absolute terror in his eyes which made Cali look my direction.  I don't know which one of us told her the doctors would have to take the baby to save her life, but I'll NEVER forget the pain, the anguish that we all felt in that room while Cali screamed "NO!!!"  in sign language, without a sound coming from her because of the breathing tube, but with that word reverberating through the room.  Then silence.  They had put her back under."
They took me back then. Most of both of my families were there while I was in surgery. I have many questions about this time that I'm afraid to hear the answers to so have never spoken them aloud. Even to Josh. They sometimes haunt me, but I have to trust that the doctors that took care of me took more care of Quincy. Please.

When I returned to the MICU, I was brought out of the coma but still was intubated. My brother Colby was in my room for a bit, but came running into the waiting room saying, "Cali is signing something and we can't understand her."  My Mom came running in to see what I was trying to communicate.  I was asking about Quincy and about Oakland. The interesting part of this is at that time there were multiple specialists in my room to discuss how much neurological damage I could have / should have suffered.  After watching my Mom and I talk back and forth for a minute, they left shaking their heads saying, "If she can sign and communicate with someone, she will be just fine!"  Add another miracle to the list.

I still have no memory of any of this. I could tell the story forwards and backwards because of how many times I have asked my family and friends to repeat it. It's like watching a movie 300 times. You can tell the story, you feel happy or lonely, pain or sadness along with the actors but that's all it is- a movie you can quote.

I made a second trip to the OR when the bleeding didn't stop, but they confirmed that they had successfully cleaned out my uterus. They then added a "balloon" to my uterus to help keep it's shape and to hopefully minimize, if not stop the bleeding I was experiencing.

I stabilized for 3 hours. During that time everyone left. My parents and Josh stayed. Our friend Tyler came to visit and Josh was convinced to go out with him and eat some dinner. During the 7:00-8:00 hours, the ICU is closed to visitors. This way the staff can swap out, update each other on the patience and we decided to also force the family to go eat. My parents just went to the cafeteria to eat and then came back up to the room set up for my family. At 8:00 sharp they started back to the ICU to be with me since Josh was gone. But there wasn't the silence in my room that they expected, rather it was alive.

My blood pressure had plummeted and my heart rate sky rocketed. An ultrasound at my bedside determined that there was a large amount of free fluid in my abdomen. I had to return to the OR for a third time, but they needed Josh's permission.

My Dad had to leave the room, it was just too much for him. Between him, my Mom and Josh they each had their moments where one was strong and the other two... weren't. I'm lucky that I had one of them by my side during every moment of this time. But I didn't understand this until later.

When Josh got there - and remember he's 6'5" and 250+ lbs talking to a doc who is no taller than 5'8" and quite thin - he stood face to face with the doctor as the doc explained that I was bleeding internally and they wanted to go in and stop the bleeding, but they may have to do a hysterectomy if they couldn't control the bleeding.  Josh had had it by that point.  He stood as tall as he could, got as close to the doctor as he could and said, "Just take the damn thing out!"  The doctor stayed strong, but noticeably cowered a bit while explaining they would only do a hysterectomy if there was no alternative. While Josh signed the paperwork, my Mom came in and took a picture. She couldn't get very close but she was convinced this would be the last picture she had of me.

As they wheeled me away, Mom grabbed Josh's arm and they went to get Dad and Colby (my Brother, who had shown up at the perfect time to be with my Dad) then went to a surgical waiting room to await the outcome. Slowly the rest of my family arrived and waited but more than that, supported Josh. My OBGYN who had delivered Oakland, was going to deliver Quincy and kept my sanity during the last two pregnancies was there among my family. I have had the most amazing professionals take care of me in my life and he is one of them. 

They were in the waiting room way too long without any news so called the crisis phone line, who guaranteed a call back. Minutes passed; the family was talking, crying, laughing, the TV on in the background. Just trying to pass the time without worrying themselves sick.

The phone rang and my Mom answered to someone from the operating room who told her that I had gone through a lot of blood, that they had had to revive me a few times (she believes he said 4 times) but I was still alive and someone would be out to talk to us soon.  As they hung up the surgeon came in.

He explained to the crowd that I had just barely survived the surgery. Only after an estimated blood loss of 4,200 ml and receiving 14 units of packed red cells, 13 units of fresh frozen plasma, 4 units of platelets, and one unit of cryoprecipitate (combined for more than 2 times the volume of blood a body holds) and reviving me multiple times. They discovered a large 5 cm defect in my uterine wall, necessitating the hysterectomy. Post- surgery and I was finally not bleeding and stable once again so they transferred me to the surgical ICU.

Obviously everyone knew how this outcome would effect me (and them) emotionally when I woke up but the consensus in the room was that of relief. After losing Mac, having blood clots after Oakland, and now this- future pregnancies would have been a major source of stress, fear, anxiety...!

Slowly, everyone left for the night and Josh and my parents were allowed to see me in the ICU. Knowing I was stable and going to be kept in a medically induced coma, they encouraged them all to go home and rest.

First thing that next morning they called my family to urge them to come quickly, they had taken me off the vent and things didn't look good. Josh was the first there and whatever the issue had been had cleared up by then. I was awake but in and out. A lot of medical personnel came in and out checking blood levels, temperature, heart rate, etc. At one point I even smiled, but then my family noticed that the left side of my face wasn't moving accordingly. The Doctors had been watching this and as they did over the next few days they realized that it was just a crooked smile I did/ do when not feeling well but trying to be positive.

Still not having any memory at this point, I am glad that I was still myself. Trying to smile when I could. Being polite to the Dr's and nurses who came in. And having my family around me every time I was awake (and asleep) to tell me these moments and recount what took place. These past few days completely changed my life, how I thought it was going to go, and what I had planned for myself. I would never have imagined this would happen but I also wouldn't change it. I grew insanely close to my family. I have memories of this time with my daughter that are cherished. I made new friends. My outlook on life is something I hold very close to my heart. And my testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ was solidified.

To be continued...

Diagnosis was just the start of saving me...

My Brother in Law, Brandon raced to the church where Dad was having a meeting. It was being held in the chapel, where Brandon's Dad was conducting and had just started the meeting. Everyone saw Brandon come through doors, wearing jeans and a somber look. As my Dad turned and saw him standing in the doorway, he knew he was there for him and it must be bad for Brandon to come get him out of a meeting. In the blink of an eye everything was about to change. As Brandon bent down and instructed my Dad to come with him, they met in the hall only for Dad to hear "It's Cali. She's not breathing and they are flying her to the hospital".

Mom was on her way back from dropping Alex (my Brother) and their food off at my Grandma's house (they just live 3 houses away) and met my Dad in a hug. They still hadn't heard from Josh as to where AirMed was taking me so changed their clothes and waited in anticipation until the phone finally rang.

I was stable the entire ride to the hospital; still intubated, sedated, oxygenated, and ventilated but they noticed the hardness of my belly had turned into rapid growth. One hour and five minutes from Josh's initial 911 call, they could not have arrived at the hospital with more perfect timing. My parents, Taylor and Brandon had arrived 20 minutes before I did, and watched as my helicopter landed and I was wheeled to the Emergency Department. My girls could hear my Mom yelling for me, to know that she was there and told me that I was not alone and to not worry.

This is actually a picture of MY helicopter landing from my Mom's cell phone as they watched me arrive.

 

 

As I was making my way to the trauma room (picture from a later visit to the ER) the head nurse rounded up the staff that would be working on me. One recalled to me later that he would get excited for trauma's. They helped pass the time, he was able to really help people and the high from his adrenaline was something he lived for. As he started to show his excitement the head nurse turned to him and said, "You won't like this one, it's a 24 year old pregnant Mom, who is not going to make it."

 

I defied them all that day but not before my world came crashing down...

 

I had started to steadily lose blood. Josh had arrived at the hospital by now, along with his family and the rest of mine. They just waited in the waiting room with a social worker, who updated them as frequently as he had information. Doctors would come in with questions; How is her health, what medications is she on, how was her health as a child, is there a family history of ___? Does she have a history of seizers because they are pretty sure there was one in the ER, and Josh thinks I had one while he was working on me. They would come and go, sometimes looking more confused than before and preparing my family for the worst- IF she lives, she might be a vegetable...

 

Eventually they moved my family to the Medical ICU floor, where a conference room was reserved for them to be in. I can't even begin to imagine this time... waiting, anticipating, their minds running wild on them while Dr's eliminated one thing after another. Still not knowing if I was out of the woods.

 

 

This picture of my Dad is one of few I have of family members during this time frame and it breaks every piece of my heart. Being a Mom, I can't even imagine knowing your kids are suffering, knowing they are going through hard times physically and emotionally, but most of all- not know if you will ever see them again. I am really close to my family and knowing they were going through anything even slightly unpleasant on my account shatters me.

 

After hours, they finally allowed Josh to see me. Josh explains it in broken sentences when I ask him... " It isn't what I would consider a good time of my life. Cali, it's not something I want to talk about. Feelings? Scared, sad, anxious- You think of your worst nightmare and tell me words for it." I guess I don't blame him. When I think about it happening to someone I love, I get sick. This was the first time they saw me.

 

 

I was in a medically induced coma, I was still intubated (the tube down my throat) to breath for me, although I was only on a small amount of forced air which meant I was trying to breath on my own. The monitors on my head were to measure brain activity as well as check for any seizers.

 

What they had determined was that my INR was elevated and an Ultrasound showed I had suffered from a Placental Abruption, which led to the Amniotic Fluid Embolism- just as Windi had expected. They needed to do surgery but because of my INR, they continued transfusions throughout the night to normalize it. My family was sent home, they were going to need sleep for the days to come and there was nothing happening that night...

Getting me off the ground...

Part 1 of my Amniotic Fluid Embolism Journey...

It was such a hot day by the lake that day but the kids were having so much fun swimming and using the paddle boat. My Sister-in-law asked me how I was feeling this week of my pregnancy, and I was so excited to report that I was much better. Obviously still nauseous, not keeping anything down - but the bleeding had stopped. All I was feeling was super grateful that it was over. After losing Mac and having blood clots after Oakland's birth, I was a nervous wreck this whole pregnancy! At least a dozen Ultra-sounds, more appointments with my Dr. and the at home heart beat machine (fetal Doppler) Josh got me attached at my hip. But I was officially half way through the pregnancy! So I smiled at my Sister and told her I was perfect.

*3 days later*

Uh, my body hurts so much. Why do I feel so groggy? Wasn't I just at the Lake? Wait, I know I lost Quincy, the pain in my heart. They did a hysterectomy, the pain on my stomach. How do I know this stuff? My throat hurts too. I open my eyes and see Josh, Dad, Mom, Dr's or nurses all around. What in the world happened...

*2 days earlier with the accounts from family, medical personnel and friends*

My daughter, Oakland, and I had just gotten home from church and were taking our weekly nap together. Josh was the second counselor in our Bishopric for our Church, so had stayed back to fulfill a part of his calling. The Bishop kindly offered to stay and take over for him so he could get home with us, and of course Josh took him up on it! He checked on us, made himself a pizza and then went downstairs to watch TV. When I called him on his phone he giggled to himself, thinking I was going to ask him to come upstairs and grab me something. (Did you know that you can totally get away with that stuff when you are pregnant! :) ) But all he heard was me breathlessly telling him I couldn't breath.

He ran upstairs, calling 911 on his way up. You could hear the panic rising in Josh's voice, but he somehow managed to stay calm long enough to answer the 911 operators questions. What's your name, where do you live... It wasn't until she asked what the problem was that you could hear his voice break. "I don't know".  I'll never forget the pleading and love that was palpable as he said "Cali". Over and over...with no response.  He thought for sure he was losing me and wasn't sure anyone would get there in time to help save me. I was breathing but weirdly. He couldn't find a pulse so the operator instructed him to start CPR. "1...2...3...4....I need help" She assured him someone was on the way but she needed him to stay calm and continue compressions. The worst part is that Oakland was there. In the room. Watching and crying. And all Josh could do was focus on me and the operators reassurance. After what seemed like an eternity, there was commotion in the background. "I'm up here!! We are up here!" The Sheriff was there, someone else to help with the rescue efforts. The Operator hung up hearing "Ok, I'm going to go take care of my little girl".

The Sheriff didn't want Josh to stop compressions and found Oakland in her bedroom. Holding her close and hugging her tight, this man has every ounce of my heart. Some day I will be able to thank him for protecting my most precious gift. When the paramedics got there, Josh was able to take the necessary steps.

First things first, respond to Oakland's persistent nudges, "Dad...Daaad...DAD!" "What Oakland?" "I want some Tootie Frooties". "Oakland, Just a minute". "No Dad, I need them NOW!". Kids are so resilient and I'm grateful for their little minds and the little things that make them happy and keep them occupied when times get tough...like tootie frooties.

Second, call a neighbor to take Oakland out of this chaotic scene that she should never have been apart of. Call my parents to tell them that I stopped breathing, they were working on me and he'd call when he had more information. Call his parents to come get Oakland and tell the rest of his family.

While he was doing that, the paramedics had gotten me conscious and on the stretcher. Bishops wife, Amy, had rescued Oakland and Bishop Rowley was there but all Josh and him could do was watch. A neighbor shared his accounts with me later, "I ran up to your house that day out of pure concern for our new friends, because my wife saw the ambulance from our house....When I saw Josh come down the stairs, I knew something was seriously wrong. I asked if you were ok, he said, "I don't know." Bishop Rowley told me what he knew of the situation, and as we talked, I realized how serious it actually was. I knew I was in the way, so I felt I just needed to get out of the way. As I went to leave, they brought you down on the stretcher, so I quickly moved aside. As I watched them work on you, I witnessed what true love really is. Josh rarely took his eyes off of you. The look of concern on his face I will never forget. As you screamed in pain, Josh would call out your name, and assure you that you would be ok."

Captain Kurk (fire chief) was in awe when his fire truck and crew got to the scene. Multiple cop cars, ambulances, neighbors. He knew things were bad by how many had responded and it only got more crowded as the cops had to section off our road in anticipation for the helicopter that was coming. There wouldn't be any room for it though, too many people were crammed on our tiny street.

Back at the hospital, the operators had worked together to assemble an air med team who were airborne only 5 minutes after receiving word.  My crew consisted of a high risk obstetrics nurse, a pediatric flight nurse and the pilot.  Once landed in a nearby field, the fire chief transported my girls directly to my house, through the crowds. Amanda, the pediatric flight nurse recalled, "As we pulled into the subdivision, we could see a knot of EMS providers surrounding Cali's stretcher outside on the lawn and bloodcurdling screams reached us as we exited the vehicle; I looked for law enforcement to help contain what I thought was a distraught family member, but no such person was in evidence. Instead, we saw Cali, a tiny 120 pound women shrieking, kicking out of the spider straps on the backboard and vomiting violently. Those helping her struggled to keep her from hurting herself and my years of emergency nursing and EMS experience made me wonder if we had a substance abuse problem on our hands. Windi's OB instincts, however, immediately put amniotic fluid embolism (AFE) at the top of her list."

We have since joked on Josh's response as Amanda snapped at him "What kind of drugs is she taking". Josh in total innocence replied, "Um... prenatal vitamins and enoxaparin" (blood thinner). Because of my hostility, they immediately decided to intubate, in order to transport me (and my flight crew) to the hospital safely. Josh stood beside Amanda, as she knelt at the head of the stretcher, holding my head in her hands. "Cali. Cali. Look at me, Cali. Calm down, Cali". But I continued to thrash while staring straight through her. Windi completed a rapid OB assessment, Quincy's fetal heart tones were present and good. There was no sign of bleeding but my once cute little belly was very hard, getting harder by the minute, which is a sign of intra-uterine bleeding.
 
Once I was intubated and sedated, they moved me towards the aircraft and talked to Josh about my history as we went. Josh told them about Mac being stillborn at full term, Oakland our second and my DVT's after having her. He then asked Windi what could be causing this and she mentioned her theory about an AFE, and Josh could hear her grave tone. He asked her if he could ride along and after sizing him up said, "Um you're a little Big!" (Josh is 6'6" and 270 pounds). As the aircraft departed, Josh ran back home to jump in the car. He called our families to tell them I was being flown to the University of Utah hospital and to meet him there. As Josh drove he googled "Amniotic Fluid Embolism" and was convinced he would arrive at the hospital to see that he had already had his last moments with me alive.... To be continued.

Banner vs. The Hulk

Sometimes I can't write. The emotions I feel are too strong to share and I'm pretty sure I've shed more tears in the past 5 years than I have in all my life. Today is one of the "dates" I'll remember for the rest of my life. I would have been induced two weeks early with Quincy. Today. I told myself I wouldn't think about it and it wouldn't hurt but it does. My heart hurts... This month will be hard, Quincy's due date, pregnancy and infant loss awareness month, General Conference. That's when I'm glad for my 'seen and unsean rescuers'. Family, friends, acquantinces, books, talks, all of it has a huge impact on my life right now.

I consider myself the Hulk. (Yes, I will quote him later and yes, Oakland is in love with him). In the Avengers Banner talks about how he has control over his anger, his... transformation? Anyways, later on he says, "That's my secret Captain... I'm always angry". On days like this I feel my secret to not bawl my eyes out every second of the day is just that... I'm always on the verge of tears, I'm always sad. I've learned to contain it, hide it, but it's normally always there weighing on my mind. Right after Dr. Banner says that, he transforms into the hulk- it's a super awesome part! Well, you just watch out because on my "days" I can transform from Dr. Banner to the "crying, sobbing, hysterical Hulk" within a matter of seconds. So how do I make myself feel better?

 

With this sweet thang! See original post for pictures.

 

Marjorie Pay Hinckley said, "Everything you are learning now is preparing you for something else". I keep this quote on a journal that I carry everywhere with me. I know it to be true. I think the Lord has put different trials in my life to help me with those that seem larger than I can handle. I hope to be able to look forward with hope, rather than look backward with despair as Elder Bowen reminded me in Conference.

“The Lord takes many away, even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth; therefore, if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and we shall soon have them again.” -Joseph Smith

11 week update

I realize that I have not done a very great job at updating on how life has been the past few weeks. Mostly because I have been enjoying every possible minute I can with Oakland! But here is a rundown of everything;

Oakland- Is still my little guardian. She makes sure I don't work too hard. Every morning Josh reminds her that she needs to take care of me and she does an exceptional job. She has taken over my jobs of doing the dishes and vacuuming and does quite well for a two year old! Her stutter is going away, she only does when she is overwhelmed (meeting someone new or around a lot of people), she still asks a lot of questions. Most of them are really hard for me to answer. Partially because she is two and I don't know what detail to go in to, other times because I don't know the answer for myself yet. She LOVES to tell people about the two brothers she has in heaven and we are working on explaining adoption to her. She went back to my Mom's this past week so that I could return to work and has ended up sleeping in my bed every night since then because neither of us want to part when I get home. :)

Josh- Honestly, I can never read this guy. :) He is just strong for me. I realize that he is in my life to keep me going. He's so positive and has such a great outlook on life. He's still working hard at Alder Construction and loves every minute of it. I think we are both just really glad to have each other at this point!

Me- Physically; I'm almost back to normal! I sneezed the other day and it didn't even hurt my stomach. :) I walked away with a few scars, but I kinda like em. They remind me of how lucky I am. I have the one on my stomach from the hysterectomy, one on my neck and leg from when they put in and took up the ivc filter, my arms are covered from various IV's, and I have a big one on my neck from the pick line. My heart, brain, other organs are undamaged as far as we can tell. I have had some trouble with short term memory loss so I write stuff down a lot. We are still working out my blood clots, I get my levels tested once a week to evaluate the blood thinner I am on. I'm hoping to only be on that for 3 more months and then we can run some more tests to determine if it will be a life long thing for me.

Emotionally; Let's just say it depends on the day, no hour, ok minute. Some nights it takes me a really long time to get to sleep so I only end up with a few hours before Oakland wakes up for the morning. Other times I have nightmares through the night but I can't recall them once I'm awake. And then there are the days when I am just so exhausted that I sleep like a champ. I've always been really great at crying so that happens frequently. Oakland stopped asking me what was wrong and instead just holds my hand or lets me cry to her. But then there are my happy moments. Happy to be alive, happy to have friends/family that I do, happy about who Oakland is, just really happy with my life!

Other; I went back to work this past week, only on a part time basis. I miss Oakland SO much while I'm gone. We thought it would be good to save some money for... Adoption! We are hoping to be assigned a case worker really soon and then the process will begin. I'm really excited. A lot of people have asked if it's too early, but I am not trying to replace Quincy. Of course, I want a baby. I want Oakland to have siblings to play with, I want our family to grow and I want a ton of kids! Josh and I both feel really good about the timing, and everything has gone smoothly so far, so we are hopeful. So... If anyone knows an expecting Mommy out there, I would love to meet her. :) I know that is a huge sacrifice and when I think of birth parents, I cry every time. Having nephews that were adopted and meeting their birth Moms is such a humbling experience for me. They are the most selfless ladies I have ever met and I have such a great love and respect for them.

I'm so grateful and overly satisfied with life right now. The next post will be all pictures so that everyone doesn't just get tired of my blabbing and can see how stinking cute Oakland is!

Original post by Me

Prayers needed and answered

I have tried the past 3 days to write down what happened to Cali here on our blog and I just can't do it.  Either I get too emotional, or I just get the urge to touch Cali to make sure it's real that she's still with us.  Either way, I could never write as eloquently as Josh's sister, and she has kept the info up to date so I think for the whole story I will ask you to go here and read the details, and I will add the little antidotes that kept us laughing through the tears, and helped us realize it really is the little things that matter.  I will also share a few pics that will be repeats from Erin's blog, but I wanted to have them here as well.

Sunday afternoon; Air Med with Cali as the patient landing at the U of U.

First glance we got of Cali late Sunday night.  So many tubes and meds.  She was completely unaware we were there.  In fact, she still doesn't have any memories (as of Wednesday night) since Saturday evening at the lake by their home.

This is only 5 hours later on Monday morning.  We all had left and got a little sleep.  It was this morning that they had finally decided her problem had been a cardiac arrest caused by an amniotic fluid embolism.  This is also the morning we got the news that the baby would need to be sacrificed to save Cali's life.

 

And this is today!  Bad picture quality, but the therapists got her sitting up, standing up, shuffled over to a chair and then sat in the chair while the bed was remade.  Then they got her walking around the bed to get back in.  Quite a difference from death's door!

 

These are Cali's 3 heroes; Windi, Josh and Amanda.  These 2 ladies were incredible on Sunday night and have continued to show their support to Josh and Cali. 

We can't thank the emergency crews, the air med staff, and all of the hospital staff enough for their talent, their kindness and support we have felt and witnessed these past few days.

Now for a few of the little things that make the difference;

*  JO NOLAST - This is Cali's new nickname.  When a trauma patient comes in they are assigned a name and the blood bank reserves blood for them under that name.  Cali's name is Jo Nolast (we think the Jo comes from JOsh and the Nolast is from no last name).  But through this whole hospital stay, even on her arm tag, it says Jo Nolast.  It took us all about 12 hours to realize that this Nolast person was really Cali.  We just hope that Jo Nolast gets all the bills, too!

*  TOOTY FROOTYS - As it says in the other blog, Cali and Oakland were taking a nap together when the cardiac arrest occured.  It took Oak a few minutes to wake up but when she did she said, "Dad!  I need Tooty Frooty's!"  And if you know Oak, you know she can be pretty insistent.  Thank goodness, a kind neighbor gave her her cereal while she waited for Granny Goose to pick her up.

*  HOW YOU DOIN'? - If you have seen the TV show Friends, you know Joey.  I didn't know until last night at the hospital that Joey is Josh and Cali's bishop!!

I know there are other things I wanted to put in this blog, but I'm exhausted.  This is a quick run through and I will add more another time.

Thank you all for your prayers!  Miracles happen!

 

Original post by Natalie

 

Answered Prayers

The prayer power has never been tried to its full capacity…if we want to see mighty wonders of divine power and grace wrought in the place of weakness, failure and disappointment, let us answer God’s standing challenge, “Call unto me, and I will answer thee, and show thee great and mighty things which thou knowest not." ~ J. Hudson Taylor

Yesterday was a whirlwind of a day for Josh and Cali. To help Josh out, he's dubbed me the official updater, so I'll do my best to summarize because I know many people are anxious to hear the latest. Hopefully I've remembered all of the facts straight.

Like was mentioned yesterday, the doctor's determined Cali suffered cardiac arrest due to an amniotic fluid embolism. It is extremely rare for this to happen in pregnant women, but once it happens and you survive (survival is rare), it's almost certain to happen again within the same pregnancy. They determined there would be no way for Cali to safely finish her pregnancy. The baby up to that point hadn't been affected at all by what happened to Cali and still had a very strong heart beat and was doing great--however, he was not at a developmental stage to be viable and would surely be lost upon delivery.

Cali was thankfully allowed to wake up before the surgery so she could be a part of the decision regarding her baby. There was some initial concern Cali may have suffered some brain or neurological damage but all of those concerns faded when Cali woke up. She was fully aware of what was going on and could move all of her limbs just fine but was unable to speak because of the breathing tube in her throat. Fortunately Cali grew up learning sign language (she has an aunt who is hearing impaired) so she was able to communicate perfectly through sign. Cali's mom and Josh tried to explain to Cali what needed to happen in order to save her life but Cali didn't want to believe it and kept shaking her head in resistance. Then the doctors came in and Cali basically said to them "give it to me straight" and they indeed confirmed that terminating her pregnancy was the only way to spare her life. Cali was completely devastated, as you can imagine, but because there was no other way, she reluctantly gave her permission for the surgery to be performed.

The surgery went as expected and all of Cali's vitals were good as she came out of surgery. Unfortunately things suddenly turned for the worst as she was turned onto her side after surgery. When they turned her, she started hemorrhaging uncontrollably from her uterus and her heart rate skyrocketed through the roof. The doctor's knew they needed to act fast and rushed her back into surgery to try to stop the bleeding. Cali had already lost a person and a half worth of blood through all of this and this new turn of events did not look good. Our family was on pins and needles as we waited in the waiting room and pleaded with Heavenly Father to spare her life. About two hours later, the doctor's emerged from the operating room to tell us that Cali was stable but that they ended up having to remove Cali's uterus in order to stop the bleeding. It seemed to be causing all of the problems. Once they removed the uterus, they were able to get the bleeding under control and gave her clotting factors to help the bleeding stop.

As of this morning, they've been able to remove the breathing tube and Cali is stable for the time being. She was able to call Oakland on the phone and talk to her for a little bit. Josh says she smiles every once in a while but doesn't remember anything short term. Her long term memory is still there and the doctor's think her short term memory should come back as the meds start to wear off. I'm sure this is only the beginning of a very long recovery road for Cali--physically and emotionally--and we're not entirely out of the clear yet, but God has truly answered the bulk of our prayers thus far and we feel so blessed to still have her with us.

We want to thank each and every one of you for your continued faith and prayers throughout this experience. Our family has felt them, Cali has felt them, and we know they've played a huge part in helping the doctor's know what to do to save Cali's life. The doctor's said what happened to Cali is so rare there are only four known cases like it before, so they haven't had much to go off of but they have truly been miracle workers.

We are all aching over the loss of her precious baby but are rejoicing that Cali's life has been spared. We ask for your continued faith and prayers as Cali begins her recovery. I'm sure it will be a long and painful process for her especially as she learns to cope with the loss of another child. My heart just aches for her. But if anyone is capable of enduring it, Cali is. She's proven that in the past.

As Cali quoted on her blog a few weeks ago: “… dark times and trials are important. Trials show us the beauty of God’s comfort. It’s through the comfort we receive from God during our difficult times that we learn how to comfort others. Sometimes the process of growing closer to our Heavenly Father comes along the path of heartache and pain.” I know Cali knows that is true. She is an amazing woman and mother and I feel so incredibly blessed to know her.

Original post by Erin

Prayers needed

Saturday evening we spent a relaxing evening with my side of the family at a small lake near my brother Josh & his wife Cali's house. We sat on a hill and ate dinner together while we watched family members take turns riding a paddle boat around the beautiful lake. Cali seemed perfectly fine and told us all things with her pregnancy were going well and that she was feeling good.

However, yesterday things turned for the worse. After church Cali and their daughter Oakland decided to take a nap upstairs on their master bed. While they slept, Josh made himself a pizza and took it down to the basement to eat while he watched TV. About 45 minutes later, he got a phone call from Cali, who was just upstairs, telling him in a breathless voice to come help her. When he got upstairs, he found her gasping for air and going in and out of consciousness. He immediately called 911 and followed their instructions to revive her until the paramedics arrived to take over. They worked on her for several minutes inside the house and then worked on her for several minutes outside the house until the life flight helicopter landed and was able to transport her to the University Hospital.

For those that aren't aware, Cali is pregnant with their third child. Baby Mac, their first child, was stillborn full-term. Oakland, their second child was born healthy, however after giving birth Cali developed a blood clot in her leg from her ankle up to her hip and has struggled with blot clots since then. I believe she has what's called Factor V. Doctors have been monitoring this pregnancy very carefully and she's been on an anticoagulant to prevent the blood clots from forming again--however, the doctors think a blood clot may be the cause of what happened, but they are still in the process of determining the cause of all of this. When I left the hospital last night, Cali was hooked up to all sorts of life support machines and had started bleeding uncontrollably and the doctor's told us if they were unable to get the bleeding under control, they would have to terminate her pregnancy in order to save her. The baby is not viable at this point, which means she would lose the baby if that were to happen. I can't even begin to imagine how difficult it would be for Cali to wake up from all of this and realize her baby is gone...especially after everything she's already been through with the loss of Baby Mac.

We just ask for your prayers on her behalf and on her baby's behalf. Cali is the most incredible woman and mother. She and Josh were the biggest support to us last week through our difficult time because they could relate more than anyone to the loss we were feeling. She and Josh have been through far more than their fair share of trials. Josh needs her. Little Oakland needs her. We need her. Please, please keep her in your prayers.


UPDATE: As of just a short time ago, the doctor's determined the cause of this was due to amniotic fluid traveling up into Cali's heart, which caused her to go into cardiac arrest. It may have also caused some type of neurological damage but they are doing some tests to determine the extent of it. They were able to stop the bleeding and her blood is clotting normally again. Sadly, they will need to take the baby in order to spare Cali's life and will be performing that surgery shortly. Our hearts are just breaking. We are praying and pleading for her recovery.

Original post by Erin