The first time I saw this shirt on Tahnie's Instagram account, I literally cried.

It was everything I had been trying to sum up about my life the last 2 years. Even before that actually, the last 6 years. After losing Mac it hit me how quickly you can lose life. Lose the day you think you have tomorrow. That every day you are here, living a life with your family and friends is a miracle. Blood clots proved to me that no one is exempt from medical issues, unexpected illnesses or diseases. Health is a miracle. Life is so precious and can be cut so short. That lesson was engrained in my very soul when I lost Quincy and should have lost my own life. And how do you recover from so much loss? How do you recover from knowing that you should have died?

After the holiday's I always feel like I have to re-find myself. I miss the kids, I question if I am fulfilling this second chance at the life that I have been given, am I doing everything I can with the knowledge and love I've felt from my Heavenly Father?  I once heard that it's easier to keep yourself together then to build yourself back up if you lose it. This is very true for me. I have lost myself many times over the years; sobbed, wondered how I would get through it, wanted to have pity on myself. And those are not only some of the darkest times I can remember but it was incredibly hard to get out of that funk.

But when I remember that every person in my life may not be there the next? I may not be here tomorrow? Those days are valued very high. I know it's a privilege that I can not take advantage of. Today is a miracle. Tomorrow should be considered unexpected. And every day you live should be an amazing event.

http://todayisamiracle.bigcartel.com/

I have lived miracles. Miracles in child birth, in modern medicine. Miracles with adoption and unexplained events in the medical world. And this one phrase, Today is a miracle is what will carry me through 2015. I want to always remember Mac and Quincy, the good that they have taught me. I will always miss them but I want to miss them with a smile on my face because of what I have accomplished since they were introduced in my life. I need to remember that miracles happen, every day. I get discouraged when wondering if adoption will happen again for us but then I think of everything that took place to get Camden here and I know... a miracle.

My kids are miracles. My own life is a miracle. Today is a miracle...

Tahnie's insights below created the shirt that is now my very favorite piece of clothing and my 2015...

God blessed the broken road...

Sunday morning was a dream. I sat at the table, listening to Oakland and Cam giggling at each other while Josh made breakfast...In the background Rascal Flatts was singing "Bless the Broken Road..." I was in awe as I realized how God led me to each of my children through a very broken road, in my eyes. There have been many moments when Josh and I have reflected back on situations dealt to us and realized that without everything that happened, we would not have each of our children. How can I not be grateful for that?

This time of year is always bittersweet for me. Maybe the magic of the season brings me closer to the spirit, which in turn makes me feel closer to my two angel babies? It might be watching the other two enjoy the enchantment of it all that makes me yearn to see those babes I miss so much? I always feel that emptiness and wonder how I can honor them each holiday. I have a longing to show them how much I love them. All that magic and enchantment is always marked by elements of sadness.

But then days like Sunday happen and I realize, I can't do this but I'm doing it anyway. I am legitimately content. There are hard times and moments when I cry huge mommy tears for the losses I have suffered. But my eyes have been opened to the good things in life that I probably would not have paid attention to before. Mac and Quincy would want me to be happy and love life, regardless of their death. My Heavenly Father has blessed my life, every road I have taken, the detours, the rocky roads, directed me which fork to take, and helped me climb every hill.

So I am going to face their absence this season with; smiling when Cam throws ornaments like baseballs, hide that stinkin elf on the shelf, sing Christmas carols at the top of my lungs, eat all the yummy treats that make it into my house, smile as much as humanly possible, spread some Christmas cheer, maybe even build a snowman with the kids (despite my "love" for snow)... And all of you? Give your kids a big hug for me on Christmas, I am really missing mine. And please be safe (if and when it actually snows!!)

Pregnant and Infant Loss Awareness

October is one of the months that plays with my emotions. There are some days and some times that I just really miss those two boys of mine. October 11, 2012 was the date my Dr. was going to induce me with Quincy. October 15 is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day and the entire month is set up to remember those who have lost babies and children way too soon. Days and months like this, I hurt for those Mom's that have been through similar situations and wonder how they are holding up. And I always think, "what would Mac and Quincy look like" "what would they be doing now"....

This year my prayers were answered in a round about way with Quincy. I am LDS and so I hold a calling in my ward, Nursery Leader. About midway through the year, the Primary Presidency moved some of the younger Nursery kids up to my class (we have 3 nurseries because there are so many kids ages 18 months to 3 years!). One holds a really special place in my heart because her Mom and I were pregnant at the same time, due the same month. Little Miss Saylor always comes and sits on my lap first thing. She hugs me throughout the class and always seems to know just what I need from a little friend Quincy's age. She'll hold my hand and tell me funny things that makes her nose crinkle. I am lucky to be able to watch her grow up and have a small taste of what Quincy would be doing... There are two other boys that also celebrate their birthdays in October and I watch them every Sunday in wonder! Saylor likes the books and bubbles, Rafe likes cars and ring-around-the-rosie, Noah loves to run and get his hands on any toy! Would Quincy wrestle with the boys? Would he want to sit on my lap the whole time? Would he share his snacks with the other kids? Would he be naughty? :) I am grateful for a Bishopric who didn't know this need of mine, but followed the spirit and I was placed in this calling at the perfect time!

Happy 2nd Birthday Saylor, Noah, Rafe and Quincy!!

On Quincy's due date, the 11th, I just made sure we were hanging out as a family. We went shopping in the mall (which is really fun with Oakland but not so fun with Josh and Camden. Haha) then went to Texas Road House with my parents and Brother for dinner. Spending time with loved ones on those hard days is the only thing that gets me through them. I am always tempted to stay home and watch tv all day but once I get out and moving, the days always turn out to be the best!

On October 15th, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day, I was having a really emotional day. I was aching for women I had met who had lost children, three just this year. I was realizing the holidays were coming and I wouldn't have Mac and Quincy there. I was kind of putting myself in a rut of pity. And then two of my best friends saved me from some simple texts that meant the world to me and reminded me that I wasn't alone...

Stacie

I have been blessed with who the Lord placed in my life in every situation I have gone through. Friends and family members who have played significant roles in getting me through the hard times with a smile on my face. I love that about our Heavenly Father. He gives us trials and hardships to overcome but he also gives us resources to help push us through. Man, am I grateful to know the separation from my boys is temporary and the fact that I am able to hug and love on Oakland and Camden every single day. To cap off a hard couple of weeks, I had a girls night out with some of the most caring, hilarious, talented, compassionate, thoughtful, crazy ladies you will ever lay eyes on!!

 

Missed those of you who couldn't make it, let's do this again soon!!!

 



 

Why do the hardest days seem to last the longest? And the difficult weeks never end?

The past 2 weeks my emotions have been literally thrown all over the scale...

Panic. Helplessness. I watched a dear friend go through the devastation of losing her baby at 16 weeks gestation. A little boy, named Sky. When I first found out, I could still hear the echoes from the days I lost both of mine. It was overwhelming to want to help her so intensely but know she may want the space. I wanted to hold her and sob but then I needed to show strength. I know that you don't ever recover, you just survive so my heart was breaking for her. I wanted to take it all away. I didn't want her to suffer, or have to feel the want of a baby. There is still so much I want to tell her, mostly about my testimony. Our Heavenly Father knows that we are touch enough. And that little boy is lucky to have her as his Mom because she is exceptional.

Anxious. Then Oakland started preschool. I have to admit that I rely way too much on her 4 year old self. She has pulled me through my hardest days and given me the comforting words I've needed when I have been down. She has allowed me to cry on her shoulder while assuring me that everything would be ok. It is hard for me to let her go for those 7 1/2 hours a week because she is my best little friend and my emotional stability. Can I get through those hours without her?

Sad. Another dear friends, friend lost her 15 month old daughter. I don't know them personally but ache for them. I want to donate all the money in the world to help with medical and funeral costs to help ease the stress, however, know that will not free them from the pain in the hearts. #bubblesforellie

Excited. Grateful. I met the dispatchers that took part in saving my life. Have you ever had someone actually be the reason you are alive today? It is an overpowering feeling. And I had almost every single one in the same room as me this past week. Josh, who was home, called 911 and did CPR. Courtney, who walked Josh through CPR, ensuring the lack of neurological damage I have today. Yvonne, who immediately requested air support, guaranteeing my Girls the time they needed to get me the appropriate medical help. Amanda, who's quick decision to intubate me secured my quick transport to the hospital and again kept my brain in tact. Windi, who used her knowledge to suggest an AFE and then save me emotionally, to this day. This week, I will write a detailed post about that day, but it was beyond anything you could imagine. And very emotional.

Scared. Another friend has been holding her breath the past 15 weeks about her pregnancy. My mind has been going crazy with fear until this past week where she learned that her 1 in 4 chance of losing her baby was leaning towards the happy outcome. She has already lost two little ones that hold a very special place in my heart because of what their Mama has taught me and the friendship we sparked because of them.

Happy. Every moment was worth it because I have people who genuinely care about me and who I would do anything for. I know we will be with our families again. I know that my Heavenly Father loves me and will always be there during my hard times. I know that no matter the emotional roller coaster we are on, our Savior understands and will help us through it. Helen Keller once said, "Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming it." These weeks have proven that to me- there are some strong families and women in our midst.

Birthdays

Since the loss of Mac and Quincy, I have received 6 phone calls telling me of others who have suffered the loss of a child. Mostly friends or family wanting some insight on how to help...

Now I must say that everyone's situation is different, everyone's feelings are different, because everyone's baby is a special individual. And every one of those sweet spirits are important in this world in their own way. They touch our hearts in the most tender ways. When seeing pictures, holding their adored bodies and meeting their parents it brings back floods of memories.

When called, I mostly give advise for the day of, days to come, funeral and immediate feelings the parents will deal with, as far as I have experienced. But my birthday was this past week so in connection with that, I want to share my thoughts on having someone close to you lose a loved one- especially children.

Both of my boys birthdays are in June, so when that month rolls around I am pretty much considered useless to the human race. Their birthdays are hard for me to deal with, I re-live the worst moments of my life. I replay the looks on my families faces as they each enter the room. Emotions fill my heart and make it hard to breath at times. But what is worse than that are the days leading up to their birthdays. The anxiety I feel about one specific topic is unbearable....

I am terrified that no one will remember.

These two boys left such an enormous impact on my life, they are my kids and there are limited memories that I have of each of them. I feel guilty for expecting others to remember their birthdays, or Quincy's due date but I honestly am horrified of the day that rolls around and no one texts to tell me they are thinking of them, or that I will be alone in my feelings of want for them. I don't want others to feel it as an obligation, I just honestly pray that they will never be forgotten. I cherish them and I think like all Mom's, we want others to adore our kids as well. I'll never be able to post their accomplishments or new haircuts. I'll never be able to have others admire their kindness or success in sports. All I have is their birthdays.

Now some of their birthdays have gone by without a hitch or were planned in advance. On Quincy's first birthday, we were bringing Camden home from the hospital. On Mac's fourth birthday, I was just out of the hospital and my family threw me a surprise party at his grave. On Mac's second birthday, I spent it with both sides of my family at the lake enjoying the sun. But on some birthdays, I know nothing is planned and inner turmoil takes over.

But along with every birthday, I have been blessed with someone who followed the spirit. There is simply no other explanation for it. This year was no different. The day before my AFE anniversary my friend, Stacie, called and left me a message. "I know you probably already have plans but in case you don't, we should go on a hike!" What she doesn't know is that I hadn't answered the phone because I was having a full on break down. She saved me that day.

We hiked Ensign Peak, which was Stacie's idea, so that we could overlook the hospital that saved my life. What I didn't even realize is that it would also show the path the helicopter took to get to my house!

Kim, Stacie, Sarah and the kids seriously took my mind off of the hardships of that day. We laughed while we hiked (ok some of us tried really hard to just control our breathing- ME!), they all sacrificed their day, others went along with something they wickedly hate to do, and one may have injured their face. But for me, it was a memorable anniversary to add to my list with people that I truly LOVE!

 

We may have looked insane, hiking with 9 kids under 5!

 

After we got to the top, Stacie pulls out this tribute and by the end we were all in tears. Every time I read it, I end up in tears. It pretty much speaks for itself....

 

 

I will never be able to thank them all properly for that day, but I hope that they will always know the enormous place in my heart they will remain forever. The day may have been just another day for them, but the emotions I feel about it can not be described in a simple post. They are my friends. Good people through and through.

 

 The following day, Quincy's birthday, my Mom and I went to Liberty Park with the kids to do something fun. Something Quincy probably would have enjoyed.

 

 

 Being with my family is a choice way I will always want to spend the boys birthdays. And we have a tradition on their birthdays to go on a big ferris wheel to sing Happy Birthday to them when we get to the top! And then take a goofy picture.

 

 

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McKallister's birthday rolled around and first thing in the morning was a knock at the door. I am sure flower delivery ladies get all sorts of reactions when they drop off a beautiful bouquet of flowers but I do not think she was prepared for the flow of tears that greeted her!

 

 

Our long time friends Jory and Lace have done this more than once, but every time it hits an emotional nerve. The flowers, to me, are more for Mac then they are for Josh and I and they prove me wrong- someone will always remember Mac! This was just what I needed to jump start my day and somehow these amazingly kind hearted friends knew that. And then the texts, messages, calls flooded in. And I was reminded how lucky I am to have certain people in my life.

 

Mac shares a birthday with an extraordinary friend's little boy, who was born a year after. So on that day I got to hang out with more friends and Oakland got to "celebrate Mac's birthday", Mickey Mouse style.

 

 

Mac's death was personal for Sarah, so I know she never minds but man does it show me how good people are that she allows Oakland and I to be there on her son's birthday and knowing that she doesn't care that Oak believes part of the celebration is for Mac, makes her astonishingly great.

 

I have been blessed beyond words for my family and with the friends that I have- some as close as family. So instead of some very harsh and sad days haunting my future, I will be comforted by these very tremendous people in my life and the memories they created for two very cherished boys.

 

So back to my advise... just be the person that remembers. Send them a text or call them to make sure they aren't alone that day. And not just in this situation, but in all situations. Just be a friend. Be the friend that you want for yourself on hard, lonely, crazy days. Be a friend they will remember for the rest of their life.

Tornadoes

I have never seen a tornado in person. I am sure that I don't understand the intensity of those even seen on movies or TV. You can read about them and know that they are nature's most violent storm but there are family, friends, other amazing people who have actually had to live through such a heartbreaking ordeal. They cause fatalities. They devastate neighborhoods in seconds.

Now think of your own devastating tornadoes. The tornadoes of life. It may be divorce, loss of a loved one, sickness, a car accident, losing a job, cancer. It could even be breaking up with a boyfriend, not being able to keep up on the housework, failing a class. There are so many different degrees of tornadoes; F0-F5 and they can have a halting effect on each individual person.

But in life there is not a national weather service to determine where your tornado fits on the scale. Maybe it would be easier if there was a report stating that you are currently going through an F4 tornado. But life isn't that simple. We could both experience that same tornado but I walked away with minimum damage and your home got destroyed. Every single trial, mishap and hardship is like this.

I have met some amazing women and families that have lost children; as a stillborn, after living a few hours or even well into their childhood. And every single one of us deal with it differently. It's torn apart relationships, it has brought others together. I am part of a support group for those that have experienced an AFE in their life. It's shattering. Our storms range from both Mother and child surviving to families losing both to permanent neurological damage to children suffering as a result. Going through the adoption process; I have met many that have had failed adoptions, successful adoptions, or even waited years.

Four enormous things that I have learned through these events and am currently trying to do....

1. We never know what storms someone else is going through.
    The thing about trials, is that not all of them are outwardly noticeable like a tornado cutting through your neighborhood. There have been times when friends of mine have been going through the hardest times of their lives and I did not even know. We all have stories of when we really didn't think we'd make it to the next day and someone dropped off a plate of cookies or sent you a text just because. Now I can attest that life is busy. There are days that my kids don't even make it out of their pajamas. But everyone can do something. I want to be that person that lightens someone's day, even just a little bit. I want to be that person that is kind to everyone, no matter how kind (or not) they are. I want to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. I want to smile at a stranger every single day.

2. Happiness is a choice.
     Now I'll tell you what... it is not an easy choice. There are days that I could stay inside all day. In my bed. But I notice the days that I serve my littles or the people in my life, are days that I'm not all that depressed. As we lose ourselves by serving others, we discover our own happiness. We see the joy that we bring to those who are in need and that joy can't help but bounce back on us. Now there may be some times that it goes unnoticed, anonymous or even the people we intended it for won't be grateful. But just the act of turning away from our own internal battles and turning towards someone else can help us truly feel joy.

     I have a distinctly different point of view than most because I have lost two very precious souls in my life and escaped death. There is not a day that goes by that I can't count my blessings. I've been given the gift to see the world as such a beautiful place. I can't take things for granted because I almost lost it all and I cherish my kids on earth because I have two in Heaven. Now, obviously, I am no where near perfect and I'm not saying the days aren't hard sometimes but I am grateful for the knowledge I have to repent and try again to be kind the next day or influence someone on a positive note. And I can truly say that I am happy.

3. Know your limits but stretch them.
    I still feel like there are times that my body is just not where it should be after my AFE. I'm still recovering physically and emotionally from losing my boys. So I do have to set limits for myself. I know how hard I can push myself every day but I never overdo it. I have learned to say no when necessary and then make up for that 10 fold on the good days. However, I now love to try new things and stretch myself outside of my comfort zone.

    For instance, if you knew me when Josh and I first got married you would probably describe me as quiet, kind but someone who stays in the background. Josh and I taught a marriage and family prep class for our church and I'm pretty sure I said two words the entire time- and that was when Josh was out of town on a baseball trip. I just didn't like putting myself out there, it made me very anxious. I didn't go out of my way to make new friends, or welcome new members. I tried to stay in as much as possible. Now I realize how short life is. How I only survived some days because of my neighbors and friends. One smile would change my entire day. A new face would remind me that there are so many good people in this world where tornadoes happen. Honestly, I stretch myself every day to be a constant happy, welcoming person. And it's making me a better, happier person.

4. Love your body.
  I'm sure you have all heard the saying that you are a tiger and have earned your stripes? AMEN! Love everything about yourself- your scars, layers, structure, feet. I love reading different articles that have come out on this subject. Our bodies are some seriously exquisite things. Mine has grown 3 beautiful kids. Mine fought to keep me alive. Mine manages the pain of blood clots. Mine has scars and extra skin and love handles and veiny legs.

But I am grateful for it because I am here today. Those lovely love handles remind me that I have amazingly gorgeous kids. The scars remind me every day that I survived, I am a warrior. And most of all, my Heavenly Father loves me and trusts me with this body. He wants us to be happy in all our uniqueness. He is proud of what our bodies do and look like. And he loves us, he wants us to love ourselves!

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Everyday there are hundreds, thousands of tornadoes in your life, family and neighborhood alone. Be conscious about those around you, choose to be happy, stretch yourself to be a better person every day and LOVE the way you look and who you are! This world is great. Today is great. You are alive and beautiful!!!

The Blank Mind

I have tried to write this post for exactly one week. Most of the time I just sit here. Other times I try to look up words that may describe how I have been feeling... but there aren't words. I may make one up.

Saturday morning I woke up on the other end of the phone. This time the phone call wasn't about me, but I wish it was because no one should ever have to lose a baby. The call I got was about a neighbor I grew up across the street from, Sonja. She was due with her fifth baby on the 9th of this month and last Saturday they were unable to locate the heartbeat of her sweet son Daniel. I went and saw her in the hospital, I visited her later in the week, I attended the funeral. 

I needed her to know that she wasn't alone, I wanted to help. I wanted to hold her kids. I therapeutically shopped for anything that may comfort her. My Mom held me up- literally- as I watched Sonja's heart break and mine all over again. I don't sleep at nights. It's all back. The memories, feelings, hurt in my chest. Not that it ever went away...but it's just back in the front of my heart.

Sonja's family is amazing. Her Sister is battling cancer, her son battled cancer, had his leg amputated and that boy still smiles and runs! Everytime I see him, I fall in love with my life. Her other kids are so sweet. They are kind and they have gone through things no one should have to. Her daughter is weeks younger than Mac and Sonja let me hold her in the hospital when she was born. Something that I will never forget and touched me more than she knew.

She is stronger than me. She spoke at Daniel's funeral, she has already blogged about what happened. This week has been full of emotions. But this I know. Everything that happens to us, good or bad, is a part of us. But it doesn't get to define who we are, we get to decide that.

My Sister-in-law came over the other night for a homework assignment but what she did for me, again, I don't know how to express. She let me talk, about my feelings, about all the repercussions, about Oakland. I'm not good at thanking people in person because I get choked up and stumble over words.

 I remember my parents, Josh and Oakland- at most every visit they came to in the hospital, after the first few days. Other visits are scattered but a memory I have a lot of is of this Sister and Brother-in-law. I don't remember details but I remember them there. My first major outing, they were there helping with Oakland and I. She texts me all the time to check in on me, and always follows up with how I'm doing- always at the right time. She does this with everyone in the family- she's great and I love her.

Josh and I are getting close to having our names published on lds family services site for adoption! So if you know anyone that is expecting, I would love to meet them.

On one last note. I attended my last scheduled doctors appointment on Monday. I have had one at least every week for the last 5 months. I'm off Coumadin, my blood thinner. They'll be running tests to see if I have any other clotting disorders to determine if I have to be on thinner the rest of my life. So... I have to wear a compression sock. :) I have chronic pain in my right leg and headaches because of the lacking blood flow. But I am here, alive, and enjoying every moment with Oakland and Josh. I am deciding how the good and bad will define me.

 

Original post by Me

Photo's by Melanie Isaac Photography

 

Live all the days of your life...

Tim McGraw sings a song... "Live like you were dying". I'm sure most of you have heard it, I heard it plenty before my accident. But today, it made me cry. Hard enough that I had to turn the radio off in order to drive. The situations in my life have taught me to love life no matter what the circumstances. And not only love life, but actually live all the days of your life. This song is me. I'm not living like I'm dying, but I'm living like I got that second chance. It made me realize all the things in life I wanted. Don't wait!

Be a better friend, a better son, a better worker, a better Mom. Quit your job if you hate it, go back to school if you want to. Be happy with your life and have no regrets. Do the next right thing, help a neighbor, think about someone else every day before you think of yourself. Write thank you or love notes, be spontaneous, kiss, create memories that you would be sad if you didn't have. Turn off your phone while talking to your kids, actually play with them.

My sister will love me for quoting Dumbledore so... he tells Harry, "It is not our abilities that show what we truly are. It is our choices." It doesn't matter what has happened to you, it matters what you do with what has happened to you. Live your life like you got a second chance. Trust me, there is no other way to live...

Original post by Me

Banner vs. The Hulk

Sometimes I can't write. The emotions I feel are too strong to share and I'm pretty sure I've shed more tears in the past 5 years than I have in all my life. Today is one of the "dates" I'll remember for the rest of my life. I would have been induced two weeks early with Quincy. Today. I told myself I wouldn't think about it and it wouldn't hurt but it does. My heart hurts... This month will be hard, Quincy's due date, pregnancy and infant loss awareness month, General Conference. That's when I'm glad for my 'seen and unsean rescuers'. Family, friends, acquantinces, books, talks, all of it has a huge impact on my life right now.

I consider myself the Hulk. (Yes, I will quote him later and yes, Oakland is in love with him). In the Avengers Banner talks about how he has control over his anger, his... transformation? Anyways, later on he says, "That's my secret Captain... I'm always angry". On days like this I feel my secret to not bawl my eyes out every second of the day is just that... I'm always on the verge of tears, I'm always sad. I've learned to contain it, hide it, but it's normally always there weighing on my mind. Right after Dr. Banner says that, he transforms into the hulk- it's a super awesome part! Well, you just watch out because on my "days" I can transform from Dr. Banner to the "crying, sobbing, hysterical Hulk" within a matter of seconds. So how do I make myself feel better?

 

With this sweet thang! See original post for pictures.

 

Marjorie Pay Hinckley said, "Everything you are learning now is preparing you for something else". I keep this quote on a journal that I carry everywhere with me. I know it to be true. I think the Lord has put different trials in my life to help me with those that seem larger than I can handle. I hope to be able to look forward with hope, rather than look backward with despair as Elder Bowen reminded me in Conference.

“The Lord takes many away, even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth; therefore, if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and we shall soon have them again.” -Joseph Smith

11 week update

I realize that I have not done a very great job at updating on how life has been the past few weeks. Mostly because I have been enjoying every possible minute I can with Oakland! But here is a rundown of everything;

Oakland- Is still my little guardian. She makes sure I don't work too hard. Every morning Josh reminds her that she needs to take care of me and she does an exceptional job. She has taken over my jobs of doing the dishes and vacuuming and does quite well for a two year old! Her stutter is going away, she only does when she is overwhelmed (meeting someone new or around a lot of people), she still asks a lot of questions. Most of them are really hard for me to answer. Partially because she is two and I don't know what detail to go in to, other times because I don't know the answer for myself yet. She LOVES to tell people about the two brothers she has in heaven and we are working on explaining adoption to her. She went back to my Mom's this past week so that I could return to work and has ended up sleeping in my bed every night since then because neither of us want to part when I get home. :)

Josh- Honestly, I can never read this guy. :) He is just strong for me. I realize that he is in my life to keep me going. He's so positive and has such a great outlook on life. He's still working hard at Alder Construction and loves every minute of it. I think we are both just really glad to have each other at this point!

Me- Physically; I'm almost back to normal! I sneezed the other day and it didn't even hurt my stomach. :) I walked away with a few scars, but I kinda like em. They remind me of how lucky I am. I have the one on my stomach from the hysterectomy, one on my neck and leg from when they put in and took up the ivc filter, my arms are covered from various IV's, and I have a big one on my neck from the pick line. My heart, brain, other organs are undamaged as far as we can tell. I have had some trouble with short term memory loss so I write stuff down a lot. We are still working out my blood clots, I get my levels tested once a week to evaluate the blood thinner I am on. I'm hoping to only be on that for 3 more months and then we can run some more tests to determine if it will be a life long thing for me.

Emotionally; Let's just say it depends on the day, no hour, ok minute. Some nights it takes me a really long time to get to sleep so I only end up with a few hours before Oakland wakes up for the morning. Other times I have nightmares through the night but I can't recall them once I'm awake. And then there are the days when I am just so exhausted that I sleep like a champ. I've always been really great at crying so that happens frequently. Oakland stopped asking me what was wrong and instead just holds my hand or lets me cry to her. But then there are my happy moments. Happy to be alive, happy to have friends/family that I do, happy about who Oakland is, just really happy with my life!

Other; I went back to work this past week, only on a part time basis. I miss Oakland SO much while I'm gone. We thought it would be good to save some money for... Adoption! We are hoping to be assigned a case worker really soon and then the process will begin. I'm really excited. A lot of people have asked if it's too early, but I am not trying to replace Quincy. Of course, I want a baby. I want Oakland to have siblings to play with, I want our family to grow and I want a ton of kids! Josh and I both feel really good about the timing, and everything has gone smoothly so far, so we are hopeful. So... If anyone knows an expecting Mommy out there, I would love to meet her. :) I know that is a huge sacrifice and when I think of birth parents, I cry every time. Having nephews that were adopted and meeting their birth Moms is such a humbling experience for me. They are the most selfless ladies I have ever met and I have such a great love and respect for them.

I'm so grateful and overly satisfied with life right now. The next post will be all pictures so that everyone doesn't just get tired of my blabbing and can see how stinking cute Oakland is!

Original post by Me

Get To

A man by the name of Frank lives by two simple words. These words have been my past month and a half, even though I didn't realize it until I heard them. I know when you experience life changing moments, you live differently for a time. I hope I can always live my life around these two words as it has made me happier than I could realize- even being hospitalized, bed ridden, sore, sad, hurt, and scared.

Get to.

They remind us to be grateful for everything. "Instead of saying, 'I have to go to work today', Frank tells himself, 'I get to go to work'. Instead of saying, 'I have to get groceries,' he gets to. Instead of saying, 'I have to take the kids to baseball practice,' he gets to. It works for everything". I have done this most with small tasks that are harder for me than I think they should be. I get to. And aside from the smaller things- I get to watch Oak grow up. I get to be a mom and all that comes with it, cleaning, cooking, laundry, taking the kids to practice, shopping for them. I get to teach Oakland how to pray, serve, love. I get to have two perfect little boys...I get to adopt.

Every day I'm getting stronger. I don't sleep as much, I get to help Oakland with a few things throughout the day and even have done some laundry by myself. I know they seem so small but to me they are huge steps. Josh and I have "story time" each night because I am so curious about everything. When did people arrive at our house- police chief, paramedics, air med, our Bishop, his wife who took Oakland for us- what was Oakland's reaction, who did he call first after 911, how he made the decisions he did, who spent the most time with him at the hospital, was he scared... The more I learn, the more I realize how close I was to not coming back. A lot of people know more about the situation than I do, I simply don't remember. From being sedated, maybe. Maybe from being protected as most things you would not want to remember. My body went through a lot.

I got a miracle. And I'm not wasting a minute of it.

Original post by Me

My Life... Forever Changed

Josh turned to me the other day on the ride home from one of my hospital visits and just started laughing! I asked him what was so funny and he said, "You are not even supposed to be alive right now and here you are, holding my hand..."

I don't quite know how to put in to words what has been going on the last month. I feel a whole bunch of emotions that I don't know how to place, I'm still focused on my physical health, I'm worried about everyone around me, and I still don't have a great memory of the events that happened. I remember Saturday night at the lake with my family and then dinner that night with Josh and Oakland, after that I couldn't say what happened until around Thursday. And even then, it's foggy. Everyone says that is a good thing- that I don't remember- but it's frustrating. I have a hard time watching my family re-live it. I wish I could take those memories away from them.

I watch Josh talk about everything and wonder how I got so lucky as to have him and the respect I feel for him. He literally saved my life and then was there with me during every hard moment I had to face from there on out. My parents dropped everything they had going on to be with me at the hospital, to make sure I wasn't scared, to talk to me, to help me. I think of family that watched Oakland, checked in on Josh and I. Neighbors that made meals, everyone that helped out with the yard sale, cards we received, flowers, things to cheer me up and make my hospital stay so much better. Prayers, fasting, blessings, service... all I can do is cry. Out of thankfulness, out of loving admiration, how I will always cherish those people.

My past few weeks have been filled with words like; amniotic embolism, cardiac arrest, flat line, blood clots, loss, transfusions, surgeries, IV's, cat scans, x-rays, ultrasounds, ICU, oxygen, medication, blood work, healing, scared, seizures, unstable, needles, life flight, nurses, doctors, emergency, physical therapy, bruises, and hurt.

They have now turned in to; miracles, blessing, prayers, love, affection, unforgettable, appreciation, fondness, respect, friendship, tenderness, family, memories, caring, help, support, cherish, adore, eternity, consideration, unselfishness, service, trust, the spirit, sacrifice, and commitment.

I still have such a long way to go, both physical recovery and emotionally. I miss Quincy, Mac, not being able to have anymore children. I want them both so bad. I want to have a baby to hold and love. I'm scared of what the future will bring. But then I think of all my friends and family and know I can do it. If Josh and Oakland can be as strong as they have been through all of this, I can pull through. I'm not saying it won't be tough. But I have the greatest little family. I'm so in love with Josh. I think the world of Oakland. I'm crazy about my two little boys. So... somehow I know we'll get through. While Josh was in awe over me being alive, able to hold his hand- I'm just grateful that I have the privilege to live another day, watch Oakland grow up, be able to kiss Josh anytime I want. My outlook on life has forever been changed. I hope I can make it for the good.

Original post by Me

Happy 4th Birthday McKallister!

The day was a rough one for Cali (and probably Josh, but he had work to take his mind a bit away from reality).  We first took Oak to a friend's party out by their house.  It's amazing how just driving in the car can wipe Cali out, so when we got home at lunch time she slept the rest of the afternoon away!  But her honey Josh had planned a birthday party for Mac; he had invited family and friends on the down-low to meet at Mac's park at 8 pm. 

 

 So when Cali and Josh pulled up...

 

 

...this is what she saw!...

 

 

 

There was a very bitter-sweet singing of Happy Birthday...

 

 

...then the releasing of balloons so McKallister and Quincy had something to play with in heaven. 

 

 

and with a beautiful sunset to end the day...

 

...we got to be reminded again of our angel baby on his special day, and now he has his little brother with him forever!!

 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY McKALLISTER!!  WE LOVE YOU!!!

 

 

Original post by Natalie