The first time I saw this shirt on Tahnie's Instagram account, I literally cried.

It was everything I had been trying to sum up about my life the last 2 years. Even before that actually, the last 6 years. After losing Mac it hit me how quickly you can lose life. Lose the day you think you have tomorrow. That every day you are here, living a life with your family and friends is a miracle. Blood clots proved to me that no one is exempt from medical issues, unexpected illnesses or diseases. Health is a miracle. Life is so precious and can be cut so short. That lesson was engrained in my very soul when I lost Quincy and should have lost my own life. And how do you recover from so much loss? How do you recover from knowing that you should have died?

After the holiday's I always feel like I have to re-find myself. I miss the kids, I question if I am fulfilling this second chance at the life that I have been given, am I doing everything I can with the knowledge and love I've felt from my Heavenly Father?  I once heard that it's easier to keep yourself together then to build yourself back up if you lose it. This is very true for me. I have lost myself many times over the years; sobbed, wondered how I would get through it, wanted to have pity on myself. And those are not only some of the darkest times I can remember but it was incredibly hard to get out of that funk.

But when I remember that every person in my life may not be there the next? I may not be here tomorrow? Those days are valued very high. I know it's a privilege that I can not take advantage of. Today is a miracle. Tomorrow should be considered unexpected. And every day you live should be an amazing event.

http://todayisamiracle.bigcartel.com/

I have lived miracles. Miracles in child birth, in modern medicine. Miracles with adoption and unexplained events in the medical world. And this one phrase, Today is a miracle is what will carry me through 2015. I want to always remember Mac and Quincy, the good that they have taught me. I will always miss them but I want to miss them with a smile on my face because of what I have accomplished since they were introduced in my life. I need to remember that miracles happen, every day. I get discouraged when wondering if adoption will happen again for us but then I think of everything that took place to get Camden here and I know... a miracle.

My kids are miracles. My own life is a miracle. Today is a miracle...

Tahnie's insights below created the shirt that is now my very favorite piece of clothing and my 2015...

God blessed the broken road...

Sunday morning was a dream. I sat at the table, listening to Oakland and Cam giggling at each other while Josh made breakfast...In the background Rascal Flatts was singing "Bless the Broken Road..." I was in awe as I realized how God led me to each of my children through a very broken road, in my eyes. There have been many moments when Josh and I have reflected back on situations dealt to us and realized that without everything that happened, we would not have each of our children. How can I not be grateful for that?

This time of year is always bittersweet for me. Maybe the magic of the season brings me closer to the spirit, which in turn makes me feel closer to my two angel babies? It might be watching the other two enjoy the enchantment of it all that makes me yearn to see those babes I miss so much? I always feel that emptiness and wonder how I can honor them each holiday. I have a longing to show them how much I love them. All that magic and enchantment is always marked by elements of sadness.

But then days like Sunday happen and I realize, I can't do this but I'm doing it anyway. I am legitimately content. There are hard times and moments when I cry huge mommy tears for the losses I have suffered. But my eyes have been opened to the good things in life that I probably would not have paid attention to before. Mac and Quincy would want me to be happy and love life, regardless of their death. My Heavenly Father has blessed my life, every road I have taken, the detours, the rocky roads, directed me which fork to take, and helped me climb every hill.

So I am going to face their absence this season with; smiling when Cam throws ornaments like baseballs, hide that stinkin elf on the shelf, sing Christmas carols at the top of my lungs, eat all the yummy treats that make it into my house, smile as much as humanly possible, spread some Christmas cheer, maybe even build a snowman with the kids (despite my "love" for snow)... And all of you? Give your kids a big hug for me on Christmas, I am really missing mine. And please be safe (if and when it actually snows!!)

Do we thrive off the crazy?

I always heard that the first year of marriage is the hardest.  The honeymoon period starts to fade, you are trying to develop a lifestyle together, and learn the art of negotiation. This may be comparable to the first year after having a baby. You are both exhausted, finances change and your attention shifts from each other to that of a new cuddly baby. Maybe it's the second year when reality has set in or not going as you imagined. Or the fifth?

Josh and I have been married for almost 8 years and it's possible that this year has challenged our relationshp in new ways and may just be our hard year. Weird right?

Year 1: Josh was traveling for baseball and distance made the heart grow fonder. The entire year was bliss.
Year 2: I was pregnant with Mac and could not have been happier, after we had him our relationship grew more than I can explain. We attached to each other and Josh was the reason I got through most of my days. We had lost a baby together and relied on each other to work out those tough feelings. He doted on me every moment, knowing the emotions I was going through and I had his constant attention.
Year 3: I was pregnant with Oakland and after having her, felt like we were in heaven. Knowing what it felt like to not be able to bring a baby home; we cherished the nights we were up with her, every diaper change and were grateful for the time we got to be together as a family. While dealing with blood clots, Josh stepped up to the plate and waited on me hand and foot. There was never a moment where he wasn't asking how I was doing, what he could do for me, reassuring me everything would be alright.
Year 4: We were in heaven with Oakland, the 3 of us bonded above any normal first child circumstance and Josh and I even battled over it being our turn on some of the hard first child moments. We bought our first house, Josh got his first (real) job, and we were on cloud nine living this perfect new baby, new house (we even got a dog), two income life.
Year 5: Josh was called to the bishopric of our ward. It reminded us how lucky we are to have each other around because he was gone more than usual. We prayed a lot together regarding the hard decision to get pregnant again and listening to all the medical and high risks of the pregnancy forced us to talk about some really emotional decisions that pushed us together.
Year 6: I was pregnant with Quincy and Josh turned in to the nicest nurse you could ask for. He gave me daily shots in my stomach (blood thinner) and was more than sympathetic to my every day needs. When we had the scare of miscarrying Quincy early on in the pregnancy he once again was at my side for anything and everything I needed. When I suffered the AFE... he saved my life. Nothing will bring you closer to a person than the moment you almost lose everything you have with them. He had to be my everything and physically take care of my needs. It made me so appreciative for him and because we almost lost each other, we were twitterpated all over again. I was so smitten, that I couldn't look at him without smiling. With Quincy gone too, Josh walked on egg shells around me. Always making sure I was comfortable and happy. Asking how I wanted to handle every situation, afraid of my emotional state.
Year 7: We went through the adoption process with each other and got Camden. It was the most magical thing to experience and made us realize how incredibly much we were meant for each other and how our kids were meant for us.

Now let's talk about this year... There have been no high pressure situations. No tragedies or dramatic action. No high anxiety situations. Nothing crazy taking place. Not much of anything taking place. I feel beyond exceptionally lucky to not have our minds on constant alert... but we are having to learn the art of communication outside of highly intense settings. Now don't get me wrong, Josh and I have an amazing relationship and something I find quite special but we are having to find reasons to dote on each other- and not because the other is sad or confined due to illnesses. We sometimes have to take time to be with each other because work and kids and life have just become busy.

I am realizing that the best years of marriage are the ones where you don’t let said life come in between you. We are learning the art of having a relationship off of the ordinary. We are attaining goals with each other on plain days of life rather than some of the hard days we have seen. Our life is devoid of tension so I'm having to acquire the skill of showing Josh fondness, to compliment him and tell him all the things I love about him. To praise him for the hard work he does so I can stay home with the kids. Whether your moments are currently crazy or uneventful, don't let life get in the way and LOVE that man or women you share it with. Remember all the times they rescued you from a bad day or comforted you when no one else could. Life is definitely all about learning... I'm still taking it one step at a time.

Pregnant and Infant Loss Awareness

October is one of the months that plays with my emotions. There are some days and some times that I just really miss those two boys of mine. October 11, 2012 was the date my Dr. was going to induce me with Quincy. October 15 is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day and the entire month is set up to remember those who have lost babies and children way too soon. Days and months like this, I hurt for those Mom's that have been through similar situations and wonder how they are holding up. And I always think, "what would Mac and Quincy look like" "what would they be doing now"....

This year my prayers were answered in a round about way with Quincy. I am LDS and so I hold a calling in my ward, Nursery Leader. About midway through the year, the Primary Presidency moved some of the younger Nursery kids up to my class (we have 3 nurseries because there are so many kids ages 18 months to 3 years!). One holds a really special place in my heart because her Mom and I were pregnant at the same time, due the same month. Little Miss Saylor always comes and sits on my lap first thing. She hugs me throughout the class and always seems to know just what I need from a little friend Quincy's age. She'll hold my hand and tell me funny things that makes her nose crinkle. I am lucky to be able to watch her grow up and have a small taste of what Quincy would be doing... There are two other boys that also celebrate their birthdays in October and I watch them every Sunday in wonder! Saylor likes the books and bubbles, Rafe likes cars and ring-around-the-rosie, Noah loves to run and get his hands on any toy! Would Quincy wrestle with the boys? Would he want to sit on my lap the whole time? Would he share his snacks with the other kids? Would he be naughty? :) I am grateful for a Bishopric who didn't know this need of mine, but followed the spirit and I was placed in this calling at the perfect time!

Happy 2nd Birthday Saylor, Noah, Rafe and Quincy!!

On Quincy's due date, the 11th, I just made sure we were hanging out as a family. We went shopping in the mall (which is really fun with Oakland but not so fun with Josh and Camden. Haha) then went to Texas Road House with my parents and Brother for dinner. Spending time with loved ones on those hard days is the only thing that gets me through them. I am always tempted to stay home and watch tv all day but once I get out and moving, the days always turn out to be the best!

On October 15th, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day, I was having a really emotional day. I was aching for women I had met who had lost children, three just this year. I was realizing the holidays were coming and I wouldn't have Mac and Quincy there. I was kind of putting myself in a rut of pity. And then two of my best friends saved me from some simple texts that meant the world to me and reminded me that I wasn't alone...

Stacie

I have been blessed with who the Lord placed in my life in every situation I have gone through. Friends and family members who have played significant roles in getting me through the hard times with a smile on my face. I love that about our Heavenly Father. He gives us trials and hardships to overcome but he also gives us resources to help push us through. Man, am I grateful to know the separation from my boys is temporary and the fact that I am able to hug and love on Oakland and Camden every single day. To cap off a hard couple of weeks, I had a girls night out with some of the most caring, hilarious, talented, compassionate, thoughtful, crazy ladies you will ever lay eyes on!!

 

Missed those of you who couldn't make it, let's do this again soon!!!

 



 

This little light of mine...

....I've gotta let her shine.

Oakland wasn't born yet when we had Mac, she was 2 1/2 when we had Quincy, and 3 1/2 when we got Camden. For a long time she was really confused about pregnancies, babies, adoption, why some got to stay and others didn't. I remember having multiple conversations where we would cry together. She would ask every pregnant women if their baby was going to heaven with Mac. Then she would randomly tell strangers that two of her brothers were dead, most of whom would look at me with big questioning eyes. She had conversations with women, asking if they were going to give us their baby. I'm sure people wondered what I was teaching her. I wondered if it was the right thing to be teaching her about.

But then I realized something... Mac plays a huge role in our family so we talk about him a lot, we visit Mac's park, we know other families who have lost babies. She was present when I had my AFE, she watched Josh perform CPR on me, she understood that Quincy passed away like Mac. She suffered the failed adoption with us, she thought she had a sister, she held her and loved her. Then Oak witnessed the miracle of adoption. She sees my scars and knows that "Mom's tummy is broken", she wonders when we will "get" another baby. I blame myself that she had to grow up way too fast.

And then that realization makes me realize something else... She has portions of the gospel of Jesus Christ rooted in her. Her relationship with our Heavenly Father at this age is amazing. She believes she will be with her Brothers again and asks me all the time when Jesus will come again so she can be with them. She has learned a lot about agency and that everyone gets to make choices of their own and sometimes it effects others. She got to enter in the temple with us when we were sealed to Camden and I love that she got to feel such a strong confirming spirit at her age. She is learning to stay strong and positive in the face of trials. Her ability to know when I am having a hard day is inspiring but even more so is her constant want to serve those who are suffering. She listened to all four sessions of Conference this weekend because she wanted to know what the Prophet needed her to do so that she can see her Brothers and be with us forever.

The other night she said the prayer for our family and the first words out of her mouth were, "Please bless Mom to always be healthy and not miss Mac and Quincy so much".  Later she told me how much she missed them. We went to a pumpkin patch and she said that she wished more than anything that Mac could be there with her. And it dawned on me, she has learned to pray for others. While she misses them and wants to have them here, she also knows that I do and asked our Heavenly Father to bless ME!

 

I talk about her spunk and confidence often, she is loud and playful, she helps around the house, but more than that...she SHINES! This girl is going to accomplish amazing things in her life and I hope she touches many as she does so...she already has inspired me.

Birthdays

Since the loss of Mac and Quincy, I have received 6 phone calls telling me of others who have suffered the loss of a child. Mostly friends or family wanting some insight on how to help...

Now I must say that everyone's situation is different, everyone's feelings are different, because everyone's baby is a special individual. And every one of those sweet spirits are important in this world in their own way. They touch our hearts in the most tender ways. When seeing pictures, holding their adored bodies and meeting their parents it brings back floods of memories.

When called, I mostly give advise for the day of, days to come, funeral and immediate feelings the parents will deal with, as far as I have experienced. But my birthday was this past week so in connection with that, I want to share my thoughts on having someone close to you lose a loved one- especially children.

Both of my boys birthdays are in June, so when that month rolls around I am pretty much considered useless to the human race. Their birthdays are hard for me to deal with, I re-live the worst moments of my life. I replay the looks on my families faces as they each enter the room. Emotions fill my heart and make it hard to breath at times. But what is worse than that are the days leading up to their birthdays. The anxiety I feel about one specific topic is unbearable....

I am terrified that no one will remember.

These two boys left such an enormous impact on my life, they are my kids and there are limited memories that I have of each of them. I feel guilty for expecting others to remember their birthdays, or Quincy's due date but I honestly am horrified of the day that rolls around and no one texts to tell me they are thinking of them, or that I will be alone in my feelings of want for them. I don't want others to feel it as an obligation, I just honestly pray that they will never be forgotten. I cherish them and I think like all Mom's, we want others to adore our kids as well. I'll never be able to post their accomplishments or new haircuts. I'll never be able to have others admire their kindness or success in sports. All I have is their birthdays.

Now some of their birthdays have gone by without a hitch or were planned in advance. On Quincy's first birthday, we were bringing Camden home from the hospital. On Mac's fourth birthday, I was just out of the hospital and my family threw me a surprise party at his grave. On Mac's second birthday, I spent it with both sides of my family at the lake enjoying the sun. But on some birthdays, I know nothing is planned and inner turmoil takes over.

But along with every birthday, I have been blessed with someone who followed the spirit. There is simply no other explanation for it. This year was no different. The day before my AFE anniversary my friend, Stacie, called and left me a message. "I know you probably already have plans but in case you don't, we should go on a hike!" What she doesn't know is that I hadn't answered the phone because I was having a full on break down. She saved me that day.

We hiked Ensign Peak, which was Stacie's idea, so that we could overlook the hospital that saved my life. What I didn't even realize is that it would also show the path the helicopter took to get to my house!

Kim, Stacie, Sarah and the kids seriously took my mind off of the hardships of that day. We laughed while we hiked (ok some of us tried really hard to just control our breathing- ME!), they all sacrificed their day, others went along with something they wickedly hate to do, and one may have injured their face. But for me, it was a memorable anniversary to add to my list with people that I truly LOVE!

 

We may have looked insane, hiking with 9 kids under 5!

 

After we got to the top, Stacie pulls out this tribute and by the end we were all in tears. Every time I read it, I end up in tears. It pretty much speaks for itself....

 

 

I will never be able to thank them all properly for that day, but I hope that they will always know the enormous place in my heart they will remain forever. The day may have been just another day for them, but the emotions I feel about it can not be described in a simple post. They are my friends. Good people through and through.

 

 The following day, Quincy's birthday, my Mom and I went to Liberty Park with the kids to do something fun. Something Quincy probably would have enjoyed.

 

 

 Being with my family is a choice way I will always want to spend the boys birthdays. And we have a tradition on their birthdays to go on a big ferris wheel to sing Happy Birthday to them when we get to the top! And then take a goofy picture.

 

 

.........................................................................................

 

McKallister's birthday rolled around and first thing in the morning was a knock at the door. I am sure flower delivery ladies get all sorts of reactions when they drop off a beautiful bouquet of flowers but I do not think she was prepared for the flow of tears that greeted her!

 

 

Our long time friends Jory and Lace have done this more than once, but every time it hits an emotional nerve. The flowers, to me, are more for Mac then they are for Josh and I and they prove me wrong- someone will always remember Mac! This was just what I needed to jump start my day and somehow these amazingly kind hearted friends knew that. And then the texts, messages, calls flooded in. And I was reminded how lucky I am to have certain people in my life.

 

Mac shares a birthday with an extraordinary friend's little boy, who was born a year after. So on that day I got to hang out with more friends and Oakland got to "celebrate Mac's birthday", Mickey Mouse style.

 

 

Mac's death was personal for Sarah, so I know she never minds but man does it show me how good people are that she allows Oakland and I to be there on her son's birthday and knowing that she doesn't care that Oak believes part of the celebration is for Mac, makes her astonishingly great.

 

I have been blessed beyond words for my family and with the friends that I have- some as close as family. So instead of some very harsh and sad days haunting my future, I will be comforted by these very tremendous people in my life and the memories they created for two very cherished boys.

 

So back to my advise... just be the person that remembers. Send them a text or call them to make sure they aren't alone that day. And not just in this situation, but in all situations. Just be a friend. Be the friend that you want for yourself on hard, lonely, crazy days. Be a friend they will remember for the rest of their life.

Happy 4th Birthday McKallister!

The day was a rough one for Cali (and probably Josh, but he had work to take his mind a bit away from reality).  We first took Oak to a friend's party out by their house.  It's amazing how just driving in the car can wipe Cali out, so when we got home at lunch time she slept the rest of the afternoon away!  But her honey Josh had planned a birthday party for Mac; he had invited family and friends on the down-low to meet at Mac's park at 8 pm. 

 

 So when Cali and Josh pulled up...

 

 

...this is what she saw!...

 

 

 

There was a very bitter-sweet singing of Happy Birthday...

 

 

...then the releasing of balloons so McKallister and Quincy had something to play with in heaven. 

 

 

and with a beautiful sunset to end the day...

 

...we got to be reminded again of our angel baby on his special day, and now he has his little brother with him forever!!

 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY McKALLISTER!!  WE LOVE YOU!!!

 

 

Original post by Natalie