When Mac first passed away, I think everyone's first thought was "Why". Sometimes you just can't help it. I wondered why I wasn't good enough to be a Mom, or what I had done to cause this to happen. I wondered why I had gone through the entire 9 months of pregnancy, only to have a life with Mac cut short because of a cord accident. I wondered why God would do this to me? Why does he not love me enough to keep me from feeling that pain. I think everyone tends to do this when life gets tough.

Today though, I say this...

Why did God love me enough to trust me with his choice spirits and allow me to have Oakland on this earth to raise? What did I do to cause this to happen- be lucky enough to have two amazing kids. Why did I go through the doubts and hurt thinking I wasn't good enough when I know now what I do? Why would God do this to me? Why does he LOVE me so much that he would let me feel pain so that when Oakland was born, I know the hurt I could have felt and can feel the gratitude, pure love, and happiness towards our kids.

A wise women once said, "We can ask "why?" and "if only..." all we want, but it won't change the reality that Mac just wasn't meant to stay with us. No matter what would have happened differently, the outcome would have remained the same. God does not make mistakes. Mac was simply not meant to be here. He was too perfect to stay. His spirit was so pure that he had to be called home before enduring the trials and pains of this world. He fulfilled his earthly mission in the short time he was here and has returned to his heavenly home."

I say, "We should ask "why?" about the good things in life every day, because Heavenly Father loves us enough to bless us on a daily basis. No matter what does happen in our lives, God does not make mistakes. Some things are meant to happen, to teach us and to help us grow. We need to strive to be perfect. Our family needs to look up to Mac and his spirit that is so pure and live through the trials and pain of this world so we can be with him again some day. We need to fulfill our earthly mission in the time we have so we can also return to our heavenly home."

Why am I and my family healthy?
Why do I get the opportunity to raise such an amazing little girl?
Why do I have such a great job?
Why do I have a husband that loves me?
Why do I get the chance to see snow and smell rain?
Why do I get the privilege to live in a day where there are wondrous things happening in the church?
Why do I deserve this? Why is this happening to me? HOW did I get so lucky...

Original post by Me

Mommy Josh

I know the title of this post is a little interesting so let me explain... Josh has been the main care giver to Oakland for the last 4 weeks! And has done an amazing job!! The week after I had Oakland, I started noticing a pain in my leg that I just chalked up to sore muscles from walking around the mall with Josh the day before. I let it go until my right leg was three times bigger than my left and black and blue! I went in to the ER and was admitted with a blood clot that ranged from my abdomen to just above my knee.

I was in the hospital for a just under a week... As you can imagine, this was SO insanely hard. I just had a new baby that I wanted to be with more than anything in the world and couldn't. I was trying to pump my milk so that I could continue nursing when I got out. I was worried about Josh having to take care of this week old baby. I was worried about myself and in a ton of pain. Oak could only come visit for short periods of time because we didn't want her to get sick from all the germs that were in the hospital and I had a hard time holding her because of all of my IV's and the pain in my stomach.

After a week I came home but was on strict bedrest so Josh was still in charge of Oakland. A week later I made Josh take me back to the ER because the pain was getting worse and I felt like there was something wrong...sure enough the blood clot was not breaking up and had now extended from my abdomen to just above my knee, to my abdomen all the way down to my ankle. Our only option was to be admitted to the hospital again with no idea of how long I would be there this time.

I was having a really hard time staying positive and know a portion of that was being cooped up in a hospital and bed for the last couple of weeks. The only thing that kept me going was knowing how lucky I was to have a healthy baby girl waiting at home for me....

So after being in the hospital twice and on bed rest until about 4 days ago, I am finally starting to walk around!! I still have a hard time staying up for long periods of time and have to elevate my leg as much as possible after being up and moving but I am finally starting to be able to take care of myself and Oakland.

I always knew that I had a good man after Mac passed away and after all the help he gave me emotionally for that, but Josh just gets better and better every day. He took 100% care of Oakland for 4 solid weeks and put up with me bossing him around since I couldn't do anything for myself. He cleaned the house and kept up on the laundry and did his finals for school! I will never understand how I got so lucky to have him as a husband.

I also have to publicly thank my family and friends. From visiting me in the hospital and at home in order to keep my spirits up to helping take care of Oakland. From feeding Josh and I dinner to letting me invade their living room so that I could sleep comfortably and get some sunshine. For checking up on me and letting Josh hang out with them to get away from us nagging girls. :)

Life sure does throw a lot of curve balls at you and I haven't been ready for any of them!! I can tell you this though...I have learned something very valuable from every single hard situation that has come up but am ready to have a break for at least a little while and just hang out with my little 6 week old baby girl who is not so little anymore!!!

Now that I am back on track with life I will post some pictures of Oakland soon and updates on what her and Josh have been up to the last little while.

Original post by Me

Love...True Love

My little boy has changed my life in a way that I never knew was possible. I love him more than I ever knew you could love someone. And I miss him more than feelings or words can express. Now that I have Oakland in my life, I realize how much I actually did miss with him and it makes me cherish every last second with her. From changing poopy diapers, to feeding her, to watching her smile that crooked smile of hers, cuddling with Dad, and snuggling with me- I LOVE it all! During the entire hospital stay there were things that kept sticking out to me that were so different from the two deliveries. Here are just a few that were big deals to me...

1. Mac- just a "contraction" tracker was hooked up to me, Oakland- I got to listen to her heartbeat the entire time!

2. Mac- I had a hospital band. Oakland- I had a band indicating that I could take a baby girl to and from the nursery and Josh and her had matching ones.

3. Mac- they woke me up every 2 hours to check blood and blood pressure status. Oakland- they woke me up every two hours to a screaming little girl that wanted her Mom.

4. Mac- people came to the hospital to visit Josh and I and a little boy that would never grow up on this earth. Oakland- people came to the hospital to visit my sweet little girl that would be here forever!

5. Mac- I got to dress him once at a cemetary. Oakland- I got to dress her up in warm clothes to take her home

 

 

 

6. Mac- I was heartbroken. Oakland- I was ecstatic!

 

 Josh and I decided that on the way home from the Hospital we needed to take Oakland to Mac's grave to say hello. We found the nicest little surprise announcing Mac being a big brother! It really struck Josh and I that Oakland would be the luckiest girl to grow up with a big brother that would always be looking out for her. We sat in the car and just cried. Tears of pure joy that we had one too perfect little boy and a perfect little girl. I always wondered if I could love her as much as I love Mac, and that day I got my answer...I love both of my kids SO insanely much and feel lucky to be their Mom.

 

Original post by Me

 

 

Introducing Oakland

I am the luckiest girl alive right now! I'm sitting here blogging while my Husband and new baby girl are cuddled up on the bed watching a movie. Not at a funeral. Not crying tears of pain and hurt. This time, I got to bring a healthy little baby girl right in to my home. I have never been happier in my entire life!! Here are a couple of pictures but there are so much more that I wasn't sure how long it would take me and I wanted to make sure I got some posted soon!

These are the first pictures of Josh and I with Oakland (story and feelings to come in a later post but you can probably get close to them with these pictures.)

 

I had to add this picture because of the meaning it has for Josh and I. When I delivered Mac, this was something I would never have with him...him hold my finger and open his eyes at me. That was one of the first things Oakland did for me. She opened her eyes and looked right in to mine and then reached up and took hold of my finger like a reassurance that she wasn't going anywhere. This picture is when Josh took her to get bathed and I adore it!

 

Original post by Me

She's Here!

Josh and Cali have graciously deemed me the privilege of being the first to announce via blog the arrival of Oakland Mae Hinckley! I just returned from the hospital and she is absolutely gorgeous! I will let Josh & Cali share with you the details of Oakland's birth on their blog in a few days, but I at least wanted to get some pictures posted of the little beauty for you all to see!

 

 

 

Just 45 minutes old! I'm sure Mac had a lot to share with her before sent her here to earth. What a little blessing she is!

 

Original post by Erin

 

Mac's Walk

October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month and some time during the month the Share organization holds a "walk of remembrance and hope". We went last year for the first year and really enjoyed it so went again this year. They normally hold a little ceremony to start it off and had someone sing a song that I don't know the title or most of the lyrics but I wrote down a few that really hit me. "Heaven is your home and it's all you'll ever know." "You'll kiss our tears away when we come home to stay." "You'll just have Heaven before we do".

Then a lady got up and gave a little talk- she had lost one of her twin daughters and then years later a son during her pregnancy with them. She said that the thing that stuck to her the most is how your world seems to stand still but everyone around you keeps moving. Josh brought this up to me again today and said that he has been thinking a lot about that because you really do feel that way. You can't think or focus on anything else except for that even though people are still going to work and school and living their every day lives.

I don't know if you can see this first picture but they make shirts and will put your babies names on it. Mac's is the last name on the first row and then the second picture is Josh and I walking around the cemetery with everyone else that came to the share walk.

Thank you for everyone that came! We really appreciated your love and support and for taking time on your Saturday to be there with us. I think through all of what we have been through I have relied on my family and friends- not only for moments of support like this but even simply letting me talk about Mac or counting him as a nephew or thinking about him during the day.

I don't really know how to explain it but when people are so willing to come be with us during something that may seem small to them, it changes my life. Mac passing away made my life go in a completely different direction than what I had EVER planned and the support of others makes me realize that direction isn't bad, just different.

 

The last part of the walk is that everyone gets a balloon to write a message for their baby and then they read the names of your child off and you release their balloon. I wish you could see the last picture better- it's such a humbling sight to watch all of the hundreds of balloons float away. We did a balloon release at Mac's funeral, so that always reminds me of him and has a special place in my heart.

 

 

Original post by Me

Mac is going to be a BIG Brother!!

You heard me right… I’m pregnant! I have so many feelings about this topic that I don’t even know where to start, so I’ll just start with the details. I am 17 weeks along and we have been to 3 Dr. appointments, all of which have been terrifying, exciting, breathtaking, and crazy. I have to say that my Dr. has been amazing and totally understanding of the situation. He knows that my nerves are totally out of wack and is doing everything he can to help me get through that part of the pregnancy. He isn’t the same Dr we had when I delivered Mac but at the first appointment he just sat down with us and talked about everything. It made Josh and I feel so good and I trust him completely now. That same appointment he let us do an ultrasound so that we could see AND hear the heartbeat- our baby just looked like a little peanut at the time and while I was nervous for that appointment, I think I was more nervous to find a Dr. that I liked and just verifying that the test was right!

At our second appointment we just listened to the heartbeat, talked about how we were doing, and our Dr. told us that he would be willing to take me 2-3 weeks early depending on my nerves, if I developed preeclampsia again, and if the babies lungs were fully developed. I was telling Josh that I honestly was nervous for those appointments, but it was never the beginning of the pregnancy that scared me because that went so smoothly for me. This last appointment was another story.

I went in yesterday, right on my 17 week mark and the two days before I started to get really…. Afraid and anxious. I just kept telling Josh that I needed everything to be ok. I needed the reassurance that we’d made it 4 more weeks. I realized that I was starting to get attached to this little one and didn’t want to, afraid of loving so much and so hard- then losing so suddenly. I know the chances of the same thing happening are so unlikely but I had the worst anxiety and ended up crying all night, afraid for the next morning. When we got to the Dr. I was still just so nervous- it took everything I had to hold back tears, I just needed to see or hear a heartbeat. I’ve realized that Ultrasounds are my biggest fear now.

 

Josh kept telling me to stop bouncing my knee or doing whatever I was doing because it was making him so nervous. When the Dr. came in he just started to look for the gender to see if we could tell what it was, and I was not even slightly interested because I hadn’t seen the heartbeat yet. As soon as he showed it to us- a wave of relief came and I just started balling. I turned to Josh and said “good thing”- he laughed but we both knew that I was not kidding. Lol.

That brings me to our next bit of good news…IT’S A GIRL!!!!!

I have pictures, but don’t have a scanner to get them on to my computer so will post them shortly. Because I’m only 17 weeks, we didn’t get to do the full ultrasound so that’ll be our next appointment- when I’m 21 weeks but our Dr. did do a couple of measurements, enough to tell us that she’s in the 66 percentile for height so far and is measuring within 5 days of her due date- December 17^th. Which means that she’s healthy!!

 

I kind of thought that getting pregnant would, not replace Mac, but I think we all thought it would take away some of that pain… I can tell you that it didn’t take away any feelings about what happened. I still miss Mac, I still wish he was here, and I still cry for him. What it has changed though is the chance that I get to be a Mom- here on this earth. I’ll finally get to have that baby that I’ve been waiting for and that I expected to have a year ago. I am glad that we are having a little girl too because her and Mac are two different people, different spirits- she’s not here to replace him in any way and I’m nervous that if I had a boy, he naturally would. I am excited to be a Mom of a little boy and a little girl!!!

 

Original post by Me