So when I was growing up and someone had lost a loved one they would always say that the Holidays are the hardest and I never knew why...this year that sentence has a whole new meaning for me.
I have been so emotional and honestly grouchy about everything and to everyone.
Sunday I was struggling with missing Mac. I went to my grandparents house and was hysterical, crying, and upset.
Tuesday, We went in for tithing settlement and on the page they give you it has all of your information, including kids. I swear it was like capital letters stating NO CHILDREN!!! It hit me so hard and when we got home I called my Dad in tears so upset that they would write that on the tithing settlement pages! I felt like they were rubbing it in that I didn't have kids here on this earth.
Thanksgiving was Mac's 5 month Birthday so of course that was hard for me. I wondered all day what I would be doing with him- would I let him try pumpkin or banana pie? Would he be fussy from not having a nap because of all the family and noise? Would my cousins fight over who got to hold him?
Friday Josh and I went in and picked out a headstone. We have wanted to pay for it now and have that be our Christmas present and then have them set it in June for his first Birthday. When we walked into the main office it was like nothing I could explain. I have never felt so sick in my life.... the only other two times I have been there was a few days after his birth when we were picking out a casket and then on the day of his burial. My stomach felt sick and all of the emotions I felt on that day rushed back to me. I felt anger, sadness, frustration, hurt. I was angry that we were picking out a headstone for my son's Christmas present.
On Saturday I started- ya know? (sorry to all the men that are reading this or those who are private about this matter- me, I'm very open and if I don't tell you- Josh probably will :) ). So right now I am the farthest away from being pregnant as I possibly could be. I have found myself questioning all day what I am doing wrong, why it is not my time to start a family here on this earth, what could I do different to have what I want the most, and how can I be unselfish about it.
Today, we went to one of our friends baby blessings and they asked Josh to be in the circle. All day today I have been on the verge of tears. You know that muscle that you use to hold back from crying? I call it my tear muscle- well it's been getting the biggest work out today! It took everything I had to hold back from falling apart right there in sacrament meeting. I felt jealous, sad, heartbroken, lost, hurt, and upset.
So this Holiday season I find myself....a wreck. However, I have also found myself grateful for those things that got me through each of these new trials.
My Dad for letting me cry and be angry on the phone. For raising my voice and telling him it's not fair. For comforting me and telling me that I accepted this trial and am stronger than he is. For him being the greatest dad ever.
My Family for keeping me entertained and my mind off the sadness of the day and hanging out with me. For blessing Mac and all he's taught us in the family prayer. For allowing me to cry and not ask why. For visiting his grave and being great aunts, uncles, cousins, and family to him. For comforting me.
Josh for holding my hand through "picking out a birthday present". For his laughing and saying that he wished Mac could pick out his own headstone. For taking me to his grave afterwards but being too cold, giggling and running away screaming behind him, "love you Mac". For putting up with me.
Sarah for asking me how it went when I got back to work. For knowing that I have hard days and always giving me the hugs that I need. For telling me that she still thinks about Mac. For being there for me. For being my Friend.
Taylor for letting me talk to her about the girl moments and agreeing with me that it sucks! For not judging me when I express my frustration. For not ever telling me that she knows what I'm going through and still cheering me up.
The Brady's for inviting Josh to stand in the circle. For showing their love and happiness towards their new baby girl. For allowing me to feel the spirit and joy for their new family. For smiling.
All of you that just read this really long post and the support, love, and friendship you have shown Josh and I.
Mac for being dang cute and completely PERFECT.
Original post by Me
One hard week...
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Alex and Mac want to wish everyone a very happy Halloween!!
(Mac has done some extensive decorating for the occassion. Every time I go up there someone has added something new to 'his tree' and Mac and all his pals are covered in a beautiful, golden carpet of leaves. It's absolutely beautiful, Mac!! )
Original post by Natalie
Monday, October 13, 2008
I visited Mac the other day and decided he needed some decor. I had a great time visiting with him and spooking the place up.
Original post by Natalie
Sunday, October 12, 2008
On Saturday my family attended the annual Walk to Remember which is put on by Share Parents of Utah (a pregnancy & infant loss support group). We attended in honor of baby Mac and had such a wonderful time.
We all signed a balloon that was released in honor of baby Mac.
As each babies name was read, their balloon was released. This is Mac's balloon soaring into heaven.
This event was such a great opportunity for Josh and Cali to gain strength from the many others who have been through what they have. They are so amazing!
I thought these roses were so beautiful. They gave them to each mother of an angel baby.
After the walk my family all met up at McKallister's grave to visit and eat pizza.We're so glad that we got to participate in this event. Baby Mac's death has been a means of bringing our family so much closer together. We love Mac so much and can't wait to meet him someday. Thank you Josh and Cali for allowing us all to take part.
Original post by Erin
Saturday, September 27, 2008
McKallister would be three months old today...such an adorable cute age!! I wanted to thank two people in my life who have been amazing enough to name my baby after. First my Grandpa Scott. His middle name is Vance, so that's where Mac's middle name came from. I have grown to have such a love and appreciation for my Grandpa that no one could imagine. Anyone that knows my Grandpa can say that he is one of the most amazing people they have ever met!! Grandpa thank you for loving me for who I am and always commenting on how beautiful I look- even when I don't think I'm even pretty, thank you for putting a smile on my face when I'm feeling down, thank you for always tickling my knees to get me to laugh- even when I pretend I'm not ticklish anymore, thank you for taking pictures of my tummy every Sunday to see how big I got when pregnant, thank you for allowing my husband to spend countless hours in your shop using your tools and wood, thank you for showing me how to love everyone- no matter who they are, thank you for teaching me how to learn from a trial harder then anyone could imagine and stay positive when times are tough, and most of all- thank you for being my Grandpa Scott.
Second- Tyler McCallister. (I hope that's how you spell your last name, we switched up the spelling a bit:) ) Tyler served his mission with Josh and was an amazing friend. When they got home Tyler came on Josh and I's first date, so technically I've known Tyler as long as I've known Josh! Everyone calls Tyler "Mac" as well so that's where we got my Mac's first name. I've gotten to know Tyler's family a little bit and they are all amazing people! So much Love just radiates from them that I am so grateful they let me name my son after their last name. Tyler and his wife Laura came to the hospital after we lost McKallister and drove all the way from Cedar to come be with us. They stayed and entertained Josh, helped us carry stuff down to the car, and brought us comfort through their happy spirits. The two of them seemed to know exactly what to say to us, exactly how to make us smile, and were so caring! Later they invited us to Tyler's grandparents cabin to get away from the world- I can never thank them enough for that weekend. I was still sore from just having a baby and they treated Josh and I so well- making us dinner, letting us relax, and everything that is included in the best get-away vacation. You two are an amazing family and we love you so much!! Thank you for allowing us to be your friends. :)
So today I find myself asking..."How could I have ever expected less than a PERFECT son, after naming him after two amazing men."
Original post by Me
Second- Tyler McCallister. (I hope that's how you spell your last name, we switched up the spelling a bit:) ) Tyler served his mission with Josh and was an amazing friend. When they got home Tyler came on Josh and I's first date, so technically I've known Tyler as long as I've known Josh! Everyone calls Tyler "Mac" as well so that's where we got my Mac's first name. I've gotten to know Tyler's family a little bit and they are all amazing people! So much Love just radiates from them that I am so grateful they let me name my son after their last name. Tyler and his wife Laura came to the hospital after we lost McKallister and drove all the way from Cedar to come be with us. They stayed and entertained Josh, helped us carry stuff down to the car, and brought us comfort through their happy spirits. The two of them seemed to know exactly what to say to us, exactly how to make us smile, and were so caring! Later they invited us to Tyler's grandparents cabin to get away from the world- I can never thank them enough for that weekend. I was still sore from just having a baby and they treated Josh and I so well- making us dinner, letting us relax, and everything that is included in the best get-away vacation. You two are an amazing family and we love you so much!! Thank you for allowing us to be your friends. :)
So today I find myself asking..."How could I have ever expected less than a PERFECT son, after naming him after two amazing men."
Original post by Me
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Josh and Cali finally got the results of Mac's autopsy back and they've given me permission to share the results here because I know that many of you have been following their story and have been interested to know exactly what caused his death. Here's what the autopsy stated about the cause of death:
"Autopsy examination revealed the cause of death to be an umbilical cord accident. Specifically, the umbilical cord was excessively long and, consistent with the clinical history of a tight nuchal cord, there was a prominent ligature mark on the neck. In addition there was significant cerebrovascular congestion and hemorrhage, secondary to vascular obstruction from the nuchal cord, and systemic evidence of fetal stress."
Josh and Cali seemed to receive the results with great calmness and strength, but that shouldn't surprise us because they have truly been beacons of strength throughout all of this. These results have helped re-confirm in their hearts and each of our hearts that it truly was God's will for Mac to leave us. We sure love him and will miss him!
Original post by Erin
"Autopsy examination revealed the cause of death to be an umbilical cord accident. Specifically, the umbilical cord was excessively long and, consistent with the clinical history of a tight nuchal cord, there was a prominent ligature mark on the neck. In addition there was significant cerebrovascular congestion and hemorrhage, secondary to vascular obstruction from the nuchal cord, and systemic evidence of fetal stress."
Josh and Cali seemed to receive the results with great calmness and strength, but that shouldn't surprise us because they have truly been beacons of strength throughout all of this. These results have helped re-confirm in their hearts and each of our hearts that it truly was God's will for Mac to leave us. We sure love him and will miss him!
Original post by Erin
11 weeks 5 days down...My lifetime to go!
Josh and I have successfully gotten through almost 12 weeks without my perfect little son and I realized that I am finally starting to come out of the worst part of it. We received the autopsy results back- which I was extremely nervous for and I find myself relieved with what they determined. I guess what most everyone was interested in was the results-
"Autopsy examination revealed the cause of death to be an umbilical cord accident. Specifically, the umbilical cord was excessively long and, consistent with the clinical history of a tight nuchal cord, there was a prominent ligature mark on the neck. In addition there was significant cerebrovascular congestion and hemorrhage, secondary to vascular obstruction from the nuchal cord, and systemic evidence of fetal stress."
I, however, found myself more interested in reading the details...McKallister was perfect! He was in the 99th percentile for weight, his heart was the exact weight it was supposed to be (18.8 g), his lungs were fully developed, his feet were big, and his eyes were the perfect measurement apart. I was amazed and relieved that not only was he so perfect in spirit but there was not a flaw in his perfect little body. I am so proud of him! I think that everyone has that oppurtunity to be proud of their kids first step, the first time they say mom, or that first day of kindergarten...I will never get those same experiences with Mac but I do get different experiences that I am equally proud of.
I am terrified to get pregnant again- I'm not gonna to lie- but I have felt more peace and have gained a knowledge that there is a plan for everyone and God knows what he is doing more than I can ever understand. I still cry every day, still have nighmares, and still wish with all my heart I could just be a Mom but I also sang in the car for the first time in 11 weeks the other day, and laughed so hard I cried last week. My heart aches, and hurts 24/7 but I am finally feeling strong enough to move on with some normal life! Yah!!
We get to go see a specialist to talk about the results with him next Tuesday- I hope that he can help us understand some of these super long terms!! Thank you all again for your love and support through all of this. I am such a lucky person to have the family and friends that I have. I love you all!!
Original post by Me
"Autopsy examination revealed the cause of death to be an umbilical cord accident. Specifically, the umbilical cord was excessively long and, consistent with the clinical history of a tight nuchal cord, there was a prominent ligature mark on the neck. In addition there was significant cerebrovascular congestion and hemorrhage, secondary to vascular obstruction from the nuchal cord, and systemic evidence of fetal stress."
I, however, found myself more interested in reading the details...McKallister was perfect! He was in the 99th percentile for weight, his heart was the exact weight it was supposed to be (18.8 g), his lungs were fully developed, his feet were big, and his eyes were the perfect measurement apart. I was amazed and relieved that not only was he so perfect in spirit but there was not a flaw in his perfect little body. I am so proud of him! I think that everyone has that oppurtunity to be proud of their kids first step, the first time they say mom, or that first day of kindergarten...I will never get those same experiences with Mac but I do get different experiences that I am equally proud of.
I am terrified to get pregnant again- I'm not gonna to lie- but I have felt more peace and have gained a knowledge that there is a plan for everyone and God knows what he is doing more than I can ever understand. I still cry every day, still have nighmares, and still wish with all my heart I could just be a Mom but I also sang in the car for the first time in 11 weeks the other day, and laughed so hard I cried last week. My heart aches, and hurts 24/7 but I am finally feeling strong enough to move on with some normal life! Yah!!
We get to go see a specialist to talk about the results with him next Tuesday- I hope that he can help us understand some of these super long terms!! Thank you all again for your love and support through all of this. I am such a lucky person to have the family and friends that I have. I love you all!!
Original post by Me
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