I visited Mac the other day and decided he needed some decor. I had a great time visiting with him and spooking the place up.
Original post by Natalie
Happy Halloween Mac!
Sunday, October 12, 2008
On Saturday my family attended the annual Walk to Remember which is put on by Share Parents of Utah (a pregnancy & infant loss support group). We attended in honor of baby Mac and had such a wonderful time.
We all signed a balloon that was released in honor of baby Mac.
As each babies name was read, their balloon was released. This is Mac's balloon soaring into heaven.
This event was such a great opportunity for Josh and Cali to gain strength from the many others who have been through what they have. They are so amazing!
I thought these roses were so beautiful. They gave them to each mother of an angel baby.
After the walk my family all met up at McKallister's grave to visit and eat pizza.We're so glad that we got to participate in this event. Baby Mac's death has been a means of bringing our family so much closer together. We love Mac so much and can't wait to meet him someday. Thank you Josh and Cali for allowing us all to take part.
Original post by Erin
Saturday, September 27, 2008
McKallister would be three months old today...such an adorable cute age!! I wanted to thank two people in my life who have been amazing enough to name my baby after. First my Grandpa Scott. His middle name is Vance, so that's where Mac's middle name came from. I have grown to have such a love and appreciation for my Grandpa that no one could imagine. Anyone that knows my Grandpa can say that he is one of the most amazing people they have ever met!! Grandpa thank you for loving me for who I am and always commenting on how beautiful I look- even when I don't think I'm even pretty, thank you for putting a smile on my face when I'm feeling down, thank you for always tickling my knees to get me to laugh- even when I pretend I'm not ticklish anymore, thank you for taking pictures of my tummy every Sunday to see how big I got when pregnant, thank you for allowing my husband to spend countless hours in your shop using your tools and wood, thank you for showing me how to love everyone- no matter who they are, thank you for teaching me how to learn from a trial harder then anyone could imagine and stay positive when times are tough, and most of all- thank you for being my Grandpa Scott.
Second- Tyler McCallister. (I hope that's how you spell your last name, we switched up the spelling a bit:) ) Tyler served his mission with Josh and was an amazing friend. When they got home Tyler came on Josh and I's first date, so technically I've known Tyler as long as I've known Josh! Everyone calls Tyler "Mac" as well so that's where we got my Mac's first name. I've gotten to know Tyler's family a little bit and they are all amazing people! So much Love just radiates from them that I am so grateful they let me name my son after their last name. Tyler and his wife Laura came to the hospital after we lost McKallister and drove all the way from Cedar to come be with us. They stayed and entertained Josh, helped us carry stuff down to the car, and brought us comfort through their happy spirits. The two of them seemed to know exactly what to say to us, exactly how to make us smile, and were so caring! Later they invited us to Tyler's grandparents cabin to get away from the world- I can never thank them enough for that weekend. I was still sore from just having a baby and they treated Josh and I so well- making us dinner, letting us relax, and everything that is included in the best get-away vacation. You two are an amazing family and we love you so much!! Thank you for allowing us to be your friends. :)
So today I find myself asking..."How could I have ever expected less than a PERFECT son, after naming him after two amazing men."
Original post by Me
Second- Tyler McCallister. (I hope that's how you spell your last name, we switched up the spelling a bit:) ) Tyler served his mission with Josh and was an amazing friend. When they got home Tyler came on Josh and I's first date, so technically I've known Tyler as long as I've known Josh! Everyone calls Tyler "Mac" as well so that's where we got my Mac's first name. I've gotten to know Tyler's family a little bit and they are all amazing people! So much Love just radiates from them that I am so grateful they let me name my son after their last name. Tyler and his wife Laura came to the hospital after we lost McKallister and drove all the way from Cedar to come be with us. They stayed and entertained Josh, helped us carry stuff down to the car, and brought us comfort through their happy spirits. The two of them seemed to know exactly what to say to us, exactly how to make us smile, and were so caring! Later they invited us to Tyler's grandparents cabin to get away from the world- I can never thank them enough for that weekend. I was still sore from just having a baby and they treated Josh and I so well- making us dinner, letting us relax, and everything that is included in the best get-away vacation. You two are an amazing family and we love you so much!! Thank you for allowing us to be your friends. :)
So today I find myself asking..."How could I have ever expected less than a PERFECT son, after naming him after two amazing men."
Original post by Me
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Josh and Cali finally got the results of Mac's autopsy back and they've given me permission to share the results here because I know that many of you have been following their story and have been interested to know exactly what caused his death. Here's what the autopsy stated about the cause of death:
"Autopsy examination revealed the cause of death to be an umbilical cord accident. Specifically, the umbilical cord was excessively long and, consistent with the clinical history of a tight nuchal cord, there was a prominent ligature mark on the neck. In addition there was significant cerebrovascular congestion and hemorrhage, secondary to vascular obstruction from the nuchal cord, and systemic evidence of fetal stress."
Josh and Cali seemed to receive the results with great calmness and strength, but that shouldn't surprise us because they have truly been beacons of strength throughout all of this. These results have helped re-confirm in their hearts and each of our hearts that it truly was God's will for Mac to leave us. We sure love him and will miss him!
Original post by Erin
"Autopsy examination revealed the cause of death to be an umbilical cord accident. Specifically, the umbilical cord was excessively long and, consistent with the clinical history of a tight nuchal cord, there was a prominent ligature mark on the neck. In addition there was significant cerebrovascular congestion and hemorrhage, secondary to vascular obstruction from the nuchal cord, and systemic evidence of fetal stress."
Josh and Cali seemed to receive the results with great calmness and strength, but that shouldn't surprise us because they have truly been beacons of strength throughout all of this. These results have helped re-confirm in their hearts and each of our hearts that it truly was God's will for Mac to leave us. We sure love him and will miss him!
Original post by Erin
11 weeks 5 days down...My lifetime to go!
Josh and I have successfully gotten through almost 12 weeks without my perfect little son and I realized that I am finally starting to come out of the worst part of it. We received the autopsy results back- which I was extremely nervous for and I find myself relieved with what they determined. I guess what most everyone was interested in was the results-
"Autopsy examination revealed the cause of death to be an umbilical cord accident. Specifically, the umbilical cord was excessively long and, consistent with the clinical history of a tight nuchal cord, there was a prominent ligature mark on the neck. In addition there was significant cerebrovascular congestion and hemorrhage, secondary to vascular obstruction from the nuchal cord, and systemic evidence of fetal stress."
I, however, found myself more interested in reading the details...McKallister was perfect! He was in the 99th percentile for weight, his heart was the exact weight it was supposed to be (18.8 g), his lungs were fully developed, his feet were big, and his eyes were the perfect measurement apart. I was amazed and relieved that not only was he so perfect in spirit but there was not a flaw in his perfect little body. I am so proud of him! I think that everyone has that oppurtunity to be proud of their kids first step, the first time they say mom, or that first day of kindergarten...I will never get those same experiences with Mac but I do get different experiences that I am equally proud of.
I am terrified to get pregnant again- I'm not gonna to lie- but I have felt more peace and have gained a knowledge that there is a plan for everyone and God knows what he is doing more than I can ever understand. I still cry every day, still have nighmares, and still wish with all my heart I could just be a Mom but I also sang in the car for the first time in 11 weeks the other day, and laughed so hard I cried last week. My heart aches, and hurts 24/7 but I am finally feeling strong enough to move on with some normal life! Yah!!
We get to go see a specialist to talk about the results with him next Tuesday- I hope that he can help us understand some of these super long terms!! Thank you all again for your love and support through all of this. I am such a lucky person to have the family and friends that I have. I love you all!!
Original post by Me
"Autopsy examination revealed the cause of death to be an umbilical cord accident. Specifically, the umbilical cord was excessively long and, consistent with the clinical history of a tight nuchal cord, there was a prominent ligature mark on the neck. In addition there was significant cerebrovascular congestion and hemorrhage, secondary to vascular obstruction from the nuchal cord, and systemic evidence of fetal stress."
I, however, found myself more interested in reading the details...McKallister was perfect! He was in the 99th percentile for weight, his heart was the exact weight it was supposed to be (18.8 g), his lungs were fully developed, his feet were big, and his eyes were the perfect measurement apart. I was amazed and relieved that not only was he so perfect in spirit but there was not a flaw in his perfect little body. I am so proud of him! I think that everyone has that oppurtunity to be proud of their kids first step, the first time they say mom, or that first day of kindergarten...I will never get those same experiences with Mac but I do get different experiences that I am equally proud of.
I am terrified to get pregnant again- I'm not gonna to lie- but I have felt more peace and have gained a knowledge that there is a plan for everyone and God knows what he is doing more than I can ever understand. I still cry every day, still have nighmares, and still wish with all my heart I could just be a Mom but I also sang in the car for the first time in 11 weeks the other day, and laughed so hard I cried last week. My heart aches, and hurts 24/7 but I am finally feeling strong enough to move on with some normal life! Yah!!
We get to go see a specialist to talk about the results with him next Tuesday- I hope that he can help us understand some of these super long terms!! Thank you all again for your love and support through all of this. I am such a lucky person to have the family and friends that I have. I love you all!!
Original post by Me
Monday, August 18, 2008
Monday, August 11, 2008
So I've been having a hard time writing what I want to about this experience and so I just thought I'd share what we have been doing and how we have been handling everything. On the day that Mac would have been one month we got together with our family and had a little Birthday party for McKallister. We went up to his grave and had cupcakes and sang happy birthday, and then just played and hung out together. I have been so grateful for my families support and being so willing to come to things like this...it's helped me more then anything else.
The next Tuesday I decided I was ready to clean out his room...good thing for Mom's and Sister's! My sister being the photographer she is of course took pictures for me of things I had set up in Mac's room or items that he would have used. That was amazing for me and I am so glad that she has the talent she does. My Mom really did all the packing away for me. I just handed her clothes, toys, stuffed animals, picture frames, shoes, diapers, bath toys, etc. and she organized them and seperated them into boxes. After she was done with that I decided that I just couldn't part with taking the crib down or the changing table so that is still set up in his room. I didn't think it would be hard to pack everything up because he hadn't used any of it yet...but I guess I never realized how much I visualized how everything would have been. I imagined myself changing him at night into cute little pj's with his baseball lamp turned on, or trying to make him smile in his crib with a little stuffed animal. I even imagined changing all those poopy diapers and honestly miss the chance to do that...
My family and friends in the last month and a half not only showed their love through staying up for countless hours to comfort Josh and I, traveling miles to see a nephew and cousin, delivering flowers to brighten up my room and mood, created a blog in memory of Mac, offered blessings of comfort, made blankets for me and McKallister to share, allowed me to share in the sealing of their son, entertaining me while Josh is at work, babysitting Alex so my Mom and Dad could be with me in my time of need, visit Mac’s grave, take off work to be with us, smiled and laughed when I didn’t know there was anything good in this world but they were there for us no matter what it cost them, they were our friends, they lent a listening ear, prayed for us, and think of McKallister as family.
Even though I never saw Mac alive I felt like we were best of friends and I know so much about him. I wanted to share some of the things that I remember about Mac so that you can see not only pictures but the kid behind the pictures…
Mac always had the hiccups and did not like them! He was playful- he was always moving, kicking, and rolling around, he even played pick- a-boo with us at the first ultrasound! He was terrified of zerbits (ya know, when someone blows a raspberry on your stomach to make a toot sound) whenever someone would zerbit one side of my tummy he would try to “escape” out the other side. He loved warm showers. Whenever my front would be facing the shower my stomach would be all out in front and huge, when I’d put my back in the shower I could feel him move to my back and my stomach would shrink down like there wasn’t anyone in there. If I laid on my side he would lay on the couch or bed too so that my side not touching the couch or bed was completely flat and he didn’t like when I laid on my back and would kick my spine every time I did. I will cherish and remember every trait he had while he was alive because those are the only memories I will ever have of his movements.
I find myself fighting to get past every week, day, minute, hour and second without my little one. I have faced every emotion, whether it is anger, overwhelmed, frustration, sadness, confusion, loneliness, scared, wanting, emptiness, patience, comfort, loved, hated, happiness and heartache. I still have an empty feeling every day and struggle that I will never know what it feels like to comfort my baby at night, play in the sunshine with him, kiss his chubby cheeks every day, or get him in and out of the car. It kills me to have never felt his big ol’ hands hold my finger tight, see his eyes look at mine, hear his baby cry and laugh, and I will never be able to see him smile at me. When the day ends I realize that I feel so alone and lost without Mac. I find myself promising Heavenly Father that I will be a good Mother and that I will try my best to raise my kids in the gospel and pray He will send me another little one that I can keep for this short time on earth. I beg Him to help me get past this trial and learn all that I can from it and to help me stay positive. I plead with him to help me get through one day without feeling scared and alone. But after all of those feelings I feel comfort, peace, love, and even though I miss my McKallister more then I can possibly explain I feel a small peaceful feeling. I will never be able to hold Mac again but I will always be able to feel his tender love surround me.
During this past month I faced something that I never even imagined. I questioned, I withheld, I screamed, I sat in silence, I searched for an explanation, I wished, I cry…no sob, but in the end I have learned how to love stronger, I have gained a knowledge of the atonement, I have learned how to pray from my heart, I realize that I have the honor of being with my family for eternity. I have built a foundation to qualities such as patience, faith, fortitude, and humility. I have studied the prophet’s teachings, scriptures, and talks more deeply. This has been an experience that I will never forget and even though I wish with all of my heart that it didn’t happen, I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I LOVE McKallister more than I ever imagined I could love someone and He taught me so much about family. I owe my little guy everything and am so glad that he is happy.
We got the preliminary results back from the Dr. at my 6 week appointment and learned that he had an abrasions on the left side of his neck. From those results they would assume it was a cord accident. His umbilical cord was also 82 cm long when they are normally 60 cm so that would help support that theory. I have not gotten every detail from the autopsy back yet, I should get them back shortly. I think that I would be ok if it was a cord accident because that is not something that my body did or that my health did...I'll be sure to update everyone once we know the cause of death for sure.
Thank you everyone for your prayers and comments on or blog. Thank you every family member that has "put up with us" the last month and a half and for all of the generous things each of you has done for us. Thank you everyone who offered a smile or a hug when I was feeling down and I just want to say a big thanks to Josh...I honestly have to say that Josh has been my biggest support system and I am so glad that he has been willing to stay up with me at nights, or be the shoulder I cry on. He has cheered me up when I thought I was as low as it got and never stopped loving me. I am so glad that I married him and that he is the man he is. Basically THANK YOU to everyone that has been my friend during this time...you are all amazing and have helped Mac fulfill his mission and for that I owe you all so much.
Sorry this is such a long post and that I just kind of ramble...I'm not so good at composing my thoughts and creating even a sentence that makes sense! :) Thanks again and you'll be hearing from me shortly!
Original post by Me
The next Tuesday I decided I was ready to clean out his room...good thing for Mom's and Sister's! My sister being the photographer she is of course took pictures for me of things I had set up in Mac's room or items that he would have used. That was amazing for me and I am so glad that she has the talent she does. My Mom really did all the packing away for me. I just handed her clothes, toys, stuffed animals, picture frames, shoes, diapers, bath toys, etc. and she organized them and seperated them into boxes. After she was done with that I decided that I just couldn't part with taking the crib down or the changing table so that is still set up in his room. I didn't think it would be hard to pack everything up because he hadn't used any of it yet...but I guess I never realized how much I visualized how everything would have been. I imagined myself changing him at night into cute little pj's with his baseball lamp turned on, or trying to make him smile in his crib with a little stuffed animal. I even imagined changing all those poopy diapers and honestly miss the chance to do that...
My family and friends in the last month and a half not only showed their love through staying up for countless hours to comfort Josh and I, traveling miles to see a nephew and cousin, delivering flowers to brighten up my room and mood, created a blog in memory of Mac, offered blessings of comfort, made blankets for me and McKallister to share, allowed me to share in the sealing of their son, entertaining me while Josh is at work, babysitting Alex so my Mom and Dad could be with me in my time of need, visit Mac’s grave, take off work to be with us, smiled and laughed when I didn’t know there was anything good in this world but they were there for us no matter what it cost them, they were our friends, they lent a listening ear, prayed for us, and think of McKallister as family.
Even though I never saw Mac alive I felt like we were best of friends and I know so much about him. I wanted to share some of the things that I remember about Mac so that you can see not only pictures but the kid behind the pictures…
Mac always had the hiccups and did not like them! He was playful- he was always moving, kicking, and rolling around, he even played pick- a-boo with us at the first ultrasound! He was terrified of zerbits (ya know, when someone blows a raspberry on your stomach to make a toot sound) whenever someone would zerbit one side of my tummy he would try to “escape” out the other side. He loved warm showers. Whenever my front would be facing the shower my stomach would be all out in front and huge, when I’d put my back in the shower I could feel him move to my back and my stomach would shrink down like there wasn’t anyone in there. If I laid on my side he would lay on the couch or bed too so that my side not touching the couch or bed was completely flat and he didn’t like when I laid on my back and would kick my spine every time I did. I will cherish and remember every trait he had while he was alive because those are the only memories I will ever have of his movements.
I find myself fighting to get past every week, day, minute, hour and second without my little one. I have faced every emotion, whether it is anger, overwhelmed, frustration, sadness, confusion, loneliness, scared, wanting, emptiness, patience, comfort, loved, hated, happiness and heartache. I still have an empty feeling every day and struggle that I will never know what it feels like to comfort my baby at night, play in the sunshine with him, kiss his chubby cheeks every day, or get him in and out of the car. It kills me to have never felt his big ol’ hands hold my finger tight, see his eyes look at mine, hear his baby cry and laugh, and I will never be able to see him smile at me. When the day ends I realize that I feel so alone and lost without Mac. I find myself promising Heavenly Father that I will be a good Mother and that I will try my best to raise my kids in the gospel and pray He will send me another little one that I can keep for this short time on earth. I beg Him to help me get past this trial and learn all that I can from it and to help me stay positive. I plead with him to help me get through one day without feeling scared and alone. But after all of those feelings I feel comfort, peace, love, and even though I miss my McKallister more then I can possibly explain I feel a small peaceful feeling. I will never be able to hold Mac again but I will always be able to feel his tender love surround me.
During this past month I faced something that I never even imagined. I questioned, I withheld, I screamed, I sat in silence, I searched for an explanation, I wished, I cry…no sob, but in the end I have learned how to love stronger, I have gained a knowledge of the atonement, I have learned how to pray from my heart, I realize that I have the honor of being with my family for eternity. I have built a foundation to qualities such as patience, faith, fortitude, and humility. I have studied the prophet’s teachings, scriptures, and talks more deeply. This has been an experience that I will never forget and even though I wish with all of my heart that it didn’t happen, I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I LOVE McKallister more than I ever imagined I could love someone and He taught me so much about family. I owe my little guy everything and am so glad that he is happy.
We got the preliminary results back from the Dr. at my 6 week appointment and learned that he had an abrasions on the left side of his neck. From those results they would assume it was a cord accident. His umbilical cord was also 82 cm long when they are normally 60 cm so that would help support that theory. I have not gotten every detail from the autopsy back yet, I should get them back shortly. I think that I would be ok if it was a cord accident because that is not something that my body did or that my health did...I'll be sure to update everyone once we know the cause of death for sure.
Thank you everyone for your prayers and comments on or blog. Thank you every family member that has "put up with us" the last month and a half and for all of the generous things each of you has done for us. Thank you everyone who offered a smile or a hug when I was feeling down and I just want to say a big thanks to Josh...I honestly have to say that Josh has been my biggest support system and I am so glad that he has been willing to stay up with me at nights, or be the shoulder I cry on. He has cheered me up when I thought I was as low as it got and never stopped loving me. I am so glad that I married him and that he is the man he is. Basically THANK YOU to everyone that has been my friend during this time...you are all amazing and have helped Mac fulfill his mission and for that I owe you all so much.
Sorry this is such a long post and that I just kind of ramble...I'm not so good at composing my thoughts and creating even a sentence that makes sense! :) Thanks again and you'll be hearing from me shortly!
Original post by Me
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