Josh and I have successfully gotten through almost 12 weeks without my perfect little son and I realized that I am finally starting to come out of the worst part of it. We received the autopsy results back- which I was extremely nervous for and I find myself relieved with what they determined. I guess what most everyone was interested in was the results-

"Autopsy examination revealed the cause of death to be an umbilical cord accident. Specifically, the umbilical cord was excessively long and, consistent with the clinical history of a tight nuchal cord, there was a prominent ligature mark on the neck. In addition there was significant cerebrovascular congestion and hemorrhage, secondary to vascular obstruction from the nuchal cord, and systemic evidence of fetal stress."

I, however, found myself more interested in reading the details...McKallister was perfect! He was in the 99th percentile for weight, his heart was the exact weight it was supposed to be (18.8 g), his lungs were fully developed, his feet were big, and his eyes were the perfect measurement apart. I was amazed and relieved that not only was he so perfect in spirit but there was not a flaw in his perfect little body. I am so proud of him! I think that everyone has that oppurtunity to be proud of their kids first step, the first time they say mom, or that first day of kindergarten...I will never get those same experiences with Mac but I do get different experiences that I am equally proud of.

I am terrified to get pregnant again- I'm not gonna to lie- but I have felt more peace and have gained a knowledge that there is a plan for everyone and God knows what he is doing more than I can ever understand. I still cry every day, still have nighmares, and still wish with all my heart I could just be a Mom but I also sang in the car for the first time in 11 weeks the other day, and laughed so hard I cried last week. My heart aches, and hurts 24/7 but I am finally feeling strong enough to move on with some normal life! Yah!!

We get to go see a specialist to talk about the results with him next Tuesday- I hope that he can help us understand some of these super long terms!! Thank you all again for your love and support through all of this. I am such a lucky person to have the family and friends that I have. I love you all!!

Original post by Me 

Cali's 21st Birthday

 

For my 21st Birthday the Hinckley family and I went to Seven Peaks Water Park. As a family they gave me this beautiful picture of Christ praying with a little boy. I remember Erin saying "I'm sure that Mac prays often for his mommy and daddy." This picture still hangs in my home, right by our front door...

Our last 3 weeks

So I've been having a hard time writing what I want to about this experience and so I just thought I'd share what we have been doing and how we have been handling everything. On the day that Mac would have been one month we got together with our family and had a little Birthday party for McKallister. We went up to his grave and had cupcakes and sang happy birthday, and then just played and hung out together. I have been so grateful for my families support and being so willing to come to things like this...it's helped me more then anything else.

The next Tuesday I decided I was ready to clean out his room...good thing for Mom's and Sister's! My sister being the photographer she is of course took pictures for me of things I had set up in Mac's room or items that he would have used. That was amazing for me and I am so glad that she has the talent she does. My Mom really did all the packing away for me. I just handed her clothes, toys, stuffed animals, picture frames, shoes, diapers, bath toys, etc. and she organized them and seperated them into boxes. After she was done with that I decided that I just couldn't part with taking the crib down or the changing table so that is still set up in his room. I didn't think it would be hard to pack everything up because he hadn't used any of it yet...but I guess I never realized how much I visualized how everything would have been. I imagined myself changing him at night into cute little pj's with his baseball lamp turned on, or trying to make him smile in his crib with a little stuffed animal. I even imagined changing all those poopy diapers and honestly miss the chance to do that...

My family and friends in the last month and a half not only showed their love through staying up for countless hours to comfort Josh and I, traveling miles to see a nephew and cousin, delivering flowers to brighten up my room and mood, created a blog in memory of Mac, offered blessings of comfort, made blankets for me and McKallister to share, allowed me to share in the sealing of their son, entertaining me while Josh is at work, babysitting Alex so my Mom and Dad could be with me in my time of need, visit Mac’s grave, take off work to be with us, smiled and laughed when I didn’t know there was anything good in this world but they were there for us no matter what it cost them, they were our friends, they lent a listening ear, prayed for us, and think of McKallister as family.

Even though I never saw Mac alive I felt like we were best of friends and I know so much about him. I wanted to share some of the things that I remember about Mac so that you can see not only pictures but the kid behind the pictures…

Mac always had the hiccups and did not like them! He was playful- he was always moving, kicking, and rolling around, he even played pick- a-boo with us at the first ultrasound! He was terrified of zerbits (ya know, when someone blows a raspberry on your stomach to make a toot sound) whenever someone would zerbit one side of my tummy he would try to “escape” out the other side. He loved warm showers. Whenever my front would be facing the shower my stomach would be all out in front and huge, when I’d put my back in the shower I could feel him move to my back and my stomach would shrink down like there wasn’t anyone in there. If I laid on my side he would lay on the couch or bed too so that my side not touching the couch or bed was completely flat and he didn’t like when I laid on my back and would kick my spine every time I did. I will cherish and remember every trait he had while he was alive because those are the only memories I will ever have of his movements.

I find myself fighting to get past every week, day, minute, hour and second without my little one. I have faced every emotion, whether it is anger, overwhelmed, frustration, sadness, confusion, loneliness, scared, wanting, emptiness, patience, comfort, loved, hated, happiness and heartache. I still have an empty feeling every day and struggle that I will never know what it feels like to comfort my baby at night, play in the sunshine with him, kiss his chubby cheeks every day, or get him in and out of the car. It kills me to have never felt his big ol’ hands hold my finger tight, see his eyes look at mine, hear his baby cry and laugh, and I will never be able to see him smile at me. When the day ends I realize that I feel so alone and lost without Mac. I find myself promising Heavenly Father that I will be a good Mother and that I will try my best to raise my kids in the gospel and pray He will send me another little one that I can keep for this short time on earth. I beg Him to help me get past this trial and learn all that I can from it and to help me stay positive. I plead with him to help me get through one day without feeling scared and alone. But after all of those feelings I feel comfort, peace, love, and even though I miss my McKallister more then I can possibly explain I feel a small peaceful feeling. I will never be able to hold Mac again but I will always be able to feel his tender love surround me.

During this past month I faced something that I never even imagined. I questioned, I withheld, I screamed, I sat in silence, I searched for an explanation, I wished, I cry…no sob, but in the end I have learned how to love stronger, I have gained a knowledge of the atonement, I have learned how to pray from my heart, I realize that I have the honor of being with my family for eternity. I have built a foundation to qualities such as patience, faith, fortitude, and humility. I have studied the prophet’s teachings, scriptures, and talks more deeply. This has been an experience that I will never forget and even though I wish with all of my heart that it didn’t happen, I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I LOVE McKallister more than I ever imagined I could love someone and He taught me so much about family. I owe my little guy everything and am so glad that he is happy.

We got the preliminary results back from the Dr. at my 6 week appointment and learned that he had an abrasions on the left side of his neck. From those results they would assume it was a cord accident. His umbilical cord was also 82 cm long when they are normally 60 cm so that would help support that theory. I have not gotten every detail from the autopsy back yet, I should get them back shortly. I think that I would be ok if it was a cord accident because that is not something that my body did or that my health did...I'll be sure to update everyone once we know the cause of death for sure.

Thank you everyone for your prayers and comments on or blog. Thank you every family member that has "put up with us" the last month and a half and for all of the generous things each of you has done for us. Thank you everyone who offered a smile or a hug when I was feeling down and I just want to say a big thanks to Josh...I honestly have to say that Josh has been my biggest support system and I am so glad that he has been willing to stay up with me at nights, or be the shoulder I cry on. He has cheered me up when I thought I was as low as it got and never stopped loving me. I am so glad that I married him and that he is the man he is. Basically THANK YOU to everyone that has been my friend during this time...you are all amazing and have helped Mac fulfill his mission and for that I owe you all so much.

Sorry this is such a long post and that I just kind of ramble...I'm not so good at composing my thoughts and creating even a sentence that makes sense! :) Thanks again and you'll be hearing from me shortly!

Original post by Me

Mac's funeral

On July 2nd little McKallister was laid to rest. I haven't posted about it until now because I wanted to wait until we had the chance to update Mac's blog with pictures and information so that I could refer you there to read about everything. So please click here and then scroll to the bottom of his blog to view the part about the funeral. Our lives have truly been changed forever because of him. We love him so much!

Original post by Erin

McKallister's funeral slideshow

The slideshow of Mac's funeral has finally been posted to his blog. You can click here to view it (the slideshow is towards the bottom of the blog).

I also just wanted to let you know that Josh and Cali are doing well. Every day is still very challenging for them. They say that some days are harder than others, but they are enduring each day like champions. Although their emotions are still too tender to get on here and update this blog themselves, they have been reading every comment left for them on this blog and Mac's blog and are deeply touched and comforted by each one. You will honestly never know how much your words of comfort and encouragement have come to mean to them. Please keep it coming their way. They told me they could have never faced this difficult experience without the strength and love they have felt and continue to feel from each of you and they thank you from the bottom of their hearts.

As sad as this experience has been for them, they are grateful for it. They have come to understand that Mac's mission here on earth was to bring people to Christ. They hope you will continue to help Mac fulfill his mission by sharing his blog/story with others. They love you and sincerely thank you. Please continue to send love their way. ~Erin

Mac's funeral

Last Wednesday, July 2nd, Mac was laid to rest. It was a very emotional day for everyone involved-- especially Josh and Cali. Prior to the grave side service, our families had the chance to spend one last time with little Mac. He looked so peaceful and absolutely beautiful! Cali had the special privilege of dressing him in his little white outfit before his precious body was placed in his little casket. The grave side service was unforgettable and was attended by hundreds of people, many of which did not know Josh and Cali but had been touched by their story. The service ended with the beautiful release of hundreds of red, orange, and yellow balloons. I will hold off on sharing more of the details here because they will be posted shortly on Mac's blog in addition to a video slideshow of funeral pictures I'm still in the process of gathering.

The amount of love and support Josh and Cali have received through this experience has been overwhelming! The prayers, emails, comments, financial donation's, cards, letters, gifts, visitors, meals, phone calls, and flowers have meant more to them than you will ever know. Thank you for your thoughtfulness, love, and generosity. ~Erin

Why?

Losing my little nephew has caused me to reflect a lot upon life and why things happen the way they do. Since Mac's death, I’ve had numerous conversations with people regarding what happened. As I’ve observed the reactions people have to tragedies such as death, I’ve found it interesting that the first thing people naturally seem to do is try to cast blame on someone or something. They ask “why didn’t such and such a person do this?” or “if only things had been done this way…” etc. Initially our family asked similar questions. It's a natural part of the grieving process to have those types of feelings. But after experiencing what our family has just experienced, I have come to find it somewhat saddening to talk to people who continuously dwell on the "whys" of Mac's death or any tragedy for that matter. It's sad because, to me, they seem too busy questioning things to open their hearts to what the Lord is trying to teach them through the experience. They seem to be, in essence, questioning God and his perfect plan for each of us.

Because of Mac’s death, I believe now more than ever that God truly is perfect. He does not make mistakes. He would not allow an innocent child or a righteous person to die unless it was truly that child’s or person's time. He sees the big picture and knows precisely what each of us need to experience in order to find our way back to Him.

After learning of Mac’s death, our families sat with Cali and Josh as Cali progressed through 14 hours of labor. During that time, we asked a lot of "why" questions and sobbed tears of bitterness and resentment in an effort to feel better about the unknown circumstances surrounding Mac’s death. In retrospect, thinking about the "whys" and "if onlys," even as part of the grieving process, didn’t help us feel better at all. It made us feel worse.

And then sweet little Mac’s precious body was born.

Words cannot describe the feeling that flooded the room (and hallway) as his little body entered this earth (I am in tears just thinking about it)! The feeling was sobering and absolutely incredible! As soon as each of us saw and held his little body, the "whys" and "if onlys" that had previously plagued our minds immediately ceased. We became encompassed by the love of God to such an overwhelming degree that we could no longer question the reasoning behind Mac's death. The veil was thinned and Mac’s mission became very clear.

In reflection, it wasn't until the "whys" and "if onlys" stopped, that our hearts became open to be taught all of the amazing things Mac came to this earth to teach. He came here as a little missionary to teach and bring people to Christ! His story has influenced so many people for the better and has changed hearts. I am grateful that our family was able to eventually get past all of the "whys" so that our hearts could be open to hear the great lessons Heavenly Father sent Mac here to teach.

I guess the reason it's sad for me to hear people still questioning the whys of Mac's death is because I have come to understand that it is no use questioning why. It won't change what happened and gets us nowhere. Peace amidst tragedy comes not through getting answers, but through faith and putting our trust in the Lord's plan completely.

Elder Hales has said, “I have come to understand how useless it is to dwell on the whys, what ifs, and if onlys for which there likely will be given no answers in mortality. Their faith and putting their trust in the Lord help them put the whys and ifs behind them and feel the comfort of the Spirit of the Lord."

Elder Maxwell has said, “ ‘whys’ are not really questions at all but are expressions of resentment.”

Through Mac's death I have learned that if we are too busy focusing on the “whys?” of life, we will never hear what God is trying to teach us through the trials we are blessed to endure. Through every trial is a lesson to be learned. Stop questioning God and listen. God loves us and knows what He is doing. His plan is perfect. Have faith in it.

I have to end by thanking Josh and Cali for the example they have been to me and to so many others. They are enduring this trial with a strength that I could only ever wish to obtain. I know this has been and continues to be one of the most grueling trials they have ever had to face, but they seem to understand the purpose of it and have chosen to use it to praise our Father in Heaven and to bring others to Him.

A friend of ours (thanks Lindsay!) shared this awesome quote on her blog by Elder Maxwell, that I feel applies perfectly to Josh and Cali. He said, "The very act of choosing to be a disciple can bring to us a certain special suffering...If we are serious about our discipleship, Jesus will eventually request each of us to do those very things which are the most difficult for us to do... Sometimes the best people have the worst experiences, because they are the most ready to learn."

Josh and Cali truly are among the best of people and have opened their hearts to learn all they can from this very difficult trial. Thank you Josh and Cali for your faith and example. I feel very honored to be your sister. I love you guys!
Original post by Erin